Getting to know your sister in 200,000 easy steps.

Having just returned from a fantastic trip to the UK with my sister, her husband, and some of their friends, I am eager to preserve the memory of it as best I can.  While photo albums and little mementos will help, the experience of connecting with my sister “Gigio”, is one that will remain at the top of the list.

Her husband and friends all sing in a choir so for the first week, their days were full of rehearsals and Evensong every night at the beautiful Ripon Cathedral. That left Gigio and I (Topo) to our own devices.  And speaking of devices, we both decided to wear our FitBits for the trip to track how many steps we covered on our daily treks.  Turns out, we covered over 83 miles on foot which equated to a lot of talking, musing, and of course, giggling. We are, after all, sisters.

Our family of 5, (my being the eldest, and her being the middle child), was always a very boisterous household – 4 girls and a boy. My memories of our childhood are of an active, happy, healthy, creative, and positive time. What I don’t remember so well is nurturing one-on-one relationships with my siblings.  I am closest to my next sister through our singing, and having our kids at the same time.  She and I definitely stay in touch the most and we have always had a lovely relationship (notwithstanding the teenage arguments we used to have over clothes and boys!).  Each of my siblings and I enjoy each other immensely, but my deeper connection with them didn’t really happen until I moved out west and each sibling visited separately a few times. (I am so blessed that at least one of them always makes a point to be with me on the anniversary of Duncan’s passing… and I am very grateful for that.)

Still, this was different.  We were exploring new outer and inner territory together. We talked about everything from relationships to loss to kids to fashion… you name it… we covered it. What I loved about it was finding out just how much in common we had in terms of our likes and dislikes.  We loved shopping in the same kind of stores, had a similar level of interest in the museum side of the trip (e.g. we didn’t read every single word on every single plaque, but we stopped at the things that interested us and passed by those that didn’t). We thoroughly enjoyed the gardens, taking pictures, and walking until we dropped.  And if that wasn’t enough, we would watch Jane Austen and Charlotte Brontë miniseries to round out our British immersion.  And of course, we ended our daily agendas with a glass of chilled Pinot Grigio (a.k.a. Topo Gigio). Hence our new terms of endearment.

What I cherish the most is that we have reached a higher and more sustainable connection than it was before… I feel like I really got to know, understand and love her more deeply. I also got to know my brother-in-law much better and that has been a real treat for me as well.  (We’ve still to come up with a name for him!) And last, but certainly not least, I made some new friends that I know I will see again when I visit back east.

I’ve been home for a week now, and I already want to go back!  We were just getting started! I feel like I have found a new friend. Thank you Gigio for an amazing time. I loved every minute of it.

Feelin’ the love, one step at a time,

Topo  xox

P.S.  For those of you who would revel in a good romp around England, here’s a list of some of the places we visited...

http://www.branstonhall.com

http://www.ascothouse.com
http://abbeyhotelbath.co.uk
http://www.hotelpenzance.com
http://www.bletchleypark.org.uk
https://www.rhs.org.uk/gardens/harlow-carr
http://greatyorkshireshow.co.uk
http://riponcathedral.info
http://www.salisburycathedral.org.uk

  

Dragon tales and the water is wide.

Tomorrow my boy would have turned 30. I’d have to say that for the better part of each year since he passed, I am filled with joy and out-loud giggling when I think of him.  He was such a blessing in my life and we spent 22 amazing years together. But with the approach of May 23^rd each year, I can’t help but wonder… what would he look like now? Would he be married? Have kids? Be professionally on top of his game? Still be the life of every party? Be playing his guitar with friends and family? Calling me to ask for advice? Or just to tell me he loved me? (He did that a lot.)

I miss him.  Those are the three hardest words for me to say out loud. I can talk about him until the cows come home. I can look at pictures of him and smile with the memories but I find it incredibly painful to talk about how much I miss him. Maybe it speaks of how difficult it is to utter gut-wrenching truths. Are there other things that I find hard to say out loud? I’m going to have to think about that one.

On the other side of the coin, here’s what continues to delight me – I can’t say enough about all of you who stay in touch and include me in your life events… your weddings, new babies, career advancements, and in a couple of cases, recoveries.  To know that he continues to inspire you, pick you up when you are down, and sometimes actually show up in the form of a random song on the radio, or a mosquito flitting about your head, or in your dreams, just when you need him the most… I love hearing your stories.  Thank you from the depths of my soul for this… it keeps his spirit alive and well and it lets me know his love lives on in all of us.

Next week we celebrate him in the form that would delight him best… an afternoon and evening of amazing music with friends and family. It is truly my favourite day of each year as we remember the son, brother, friend, boy, and man our Dunc was.

For those of you who are able to join us, we will be hosting a big event at The Two Lions in North Vancouver, on Sunday, May 31^st.  Doors open at 4 p.m. and the music starts at 4:30.  We are fundraising for his music scholarship through admission by donation.  We hope to see many of you there again this year! (And yes, Sean will be in town!)

If you can’t attend, but are moved to help out, check out http://www.accesstomusic.ca/music/scholarship-trust/duncan-mcphee-memorial-scholarship/

Here are a few examples of children we have been able to help bring music into their lives…

$350 for a 14-year-old to study and be part of the Lion’s Gate Youth Orchestra in North Vancouver. The annual fee is $750. The family has 4 children, each of whom play an instrument and want to become professional musicians. The parents suffered financial losses due to the father’s bout with leukemia and could no longer afford to provide the children with lessons or pay for any music activities. We were approached by the LGYO for assistance as they saw an immense talent in this young musician so they waived the rest of the fee.

$500 for private lessons in clarinet and saxophone for young girl from the Philippines who lives with her single mother who is a home-care provider. This young girl wants to play in an orchestra. She has done so well that she was accepted into the Greater Vancouver Youth Music Academy. She is preparing to audition for the Vancouver Symphony Youth Orchestra next year.

$350 for a 9-year-old to attend Kamloops Interior Summer School Music Experience (KISSME) for the month of July. The child suffered physical abuse from her father (parents are separated) who would beat her if she sang at home or played her flute. Often he would put duct tape over her mouth until she promised not to play music. The child also has Asperger’s and became non communicative. The father is now serving a life sentence for child abuse. The mother informed the KISSME staff that she is now communicating and is part of her elementary school band and choir.

Oh Duncan, you do good work.

Love Mom.

P.S.  And as always, for your listening pleasure, I want to leave you with this lovely Dixie Chicks song that I am trying to learn so I can dedicate it to him one of these days… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwfaTcBNtWo

And… I can’t pass by an opportunity to throw in a little SRV… Dunc played this so well… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vo23H9J8o8

An homage to Elias Amidon. And Duncan too.

This year has really been my year to declutter, reorganize, simplify, and just make life more honest and clean. It started with cleaning out my garage and I had no idea where it would lead me… I quickly began to realize that it isn’t just about releasing the stuff I had put away for a rainy day, or the clothes that I never would wear again, or my receipts from the early 1980s. I led me to look at what needed to be cleared out of the far reaches of my mind.  You know… those little niggling things that you don’t realize are there, but at the same time, you know they are taking up space.

One of those pieces was around the eulogy I gave at my son Duncan’s Celebration of Life. Here I am over seven years later, and I still regretted that I hadn’t given credit to the man who wrote the poem that I read that day. His words gave such comfort to me, and I had searched high and low on the internet to find them again, to find his name, so I could at least silently thank him.

And then, lo and behold, I was asked last week to send my favourite poem to a friend who was collecting poetry and I knew I wanted to find this one. It had never occurred to me that I might have, way back then, emailed myself with the gist of what I wanted to say at his service. My meditation teacher had sent the poem to me… why didn’t I ask her for it?  She would have known his name… I went back to my January 2008 emails and I found a rough draft and there was the poem. And the poet’s name. I now could thank him publicly for the comfort and understanding he gave me.  That’s what I’m doing here…

Thank you Elias for your incredible ability to articulate what it most surely was like for Duncan. I am humbled by your words and full of gratitude for what you helped me understand and express that day.

Here is the draft that I found. It is not in its entirety but I wanted to give Elias’ beautiful words some context, should he ever happen upon this post.

No one knows how long we are going to be here.  Certainly Al, Sean, and I, and of course all of you had no idea how short Duncan’s life was to be. Often when someone dies, we regret not having said I love you enough times.  We regret not having said I’m sorry for something we had done.  We regret not doing more things together.  If I were to let myself succumb to those kinds of thoughts and feelings, Duncan’s passing would have been for nothing and I wouldn’t have been able to bear it.  Instead, I have been able to draw on the love from my son Sean, Al and his family, my family, and all of you.  And Duncan.

If I were to try and tell you all the highlights of Duncan’s life, we would be here for hours.  Instead, I want to tell you about some of the things that happened during the last month of his life.  He visited practically all his relatives back East at Christmas.  He had a ski day with his dad.  The last time I saw him in person, Al, Sean, and I all played music with him.  It was the first time that had happened.  He even sang in front of me.  Something he said he could never do.  The day before he died, he skied with Sean and friends.  Then he went to work for a while (and we all know how much he loved his work), and then off to a party with many of his close friends.  He came home and went to sleep.  I’d like to read a poem that helps me understand what happened next.

You waited until you were alone.

Death is a private thing.

You knew your last act was to a different audience.

As it entered you – oh how you must have danced!

Curving toward God, elegant, and alone.

Dear one, what is it like?

Tell us!  What is death?

Birth, you say, your voice swathed in wings.

I am born in the endless beginning, I am not.  I am.

You start turning into us, we who love you.

You weep in our sadness, you laugh when we do,

You greet each moment fresh, when we do.

So may your gift of loving enter our own and be with us that way, forever.

We are all grieving the loss of our beautiful Duncan.   But I don’t believe that I will never see him again.  I have already seen him.  Have you noticed…

And then I went on to talk about the amount of snow that had fallen since he had passed (Duncan was an avid skier) and I then followed my impulse to sing Amazing Grace to my boy. It was like I sang him to sleep. I cannot tell you how real and completely immersed in the “peace that surpasses all understanding” I was in that moment.

Thank you Elias. Thank you Duncan. You have both helped me open up space for the wonder that is yet to come.

Branded by gratitude,

Authentically yours,

Buns

P.S.  This song needs no introduction. It simply is...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE

Pack your bags, honey...

… we’re going on a guilt trip. Yes.  I do feel a tad guilty for taking so long to update you on the life and times of Buns for the past four months. Marty has been very patient (thank you) and I appreciate her posting a couple of installments to keep our blog alive and kicking.

I couldn’t believe it when I looked to see how long it had been since I last wrote.  What the hell have I been up to?  Well, lots.

Since October 25^th, I have spent time in Ontario with my family, Calgary with my son and daughter-in-law over Christmas, Palm Springs for a few days for work (somebody’s gotta do it), performed almost every week with my lovely songbird friends Karen and sometimes Tammy, read some great books for my book club, and have been able to make time for my meditation practice in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m missing out on something when I’m doing it (which was not always the case for me). On top of that, I have entered into a healthy aging competition where it is uber important to exercise, eat well, and feel lively and young(ish) while I go about my day.  Every day. Being a Gemini, it is a challenge for me to stick to a routine but I’m getting better and better at it each week.

What I am noticing is a big shift in how my life is unfolding.  Part of the regimen involves my not arguing with what needs to be done in a day.  Instead, I move through my tasks with less resistance and more gratitude that I actually have a reasonable body to work with, and a hunger to feed my spirit with quiet time, and an interest in living my best life out loud and truthfully.  

I also have to admit that while I thought about writing, I kept thinking that what I had to say might be boring.  And then I realized that for some of you it might actually be inspiring.  Even if this helps one person get that they can make significant changes regardless of their age, then this will have been worth it. Apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Shi(f)t happens.  It really does.  The fallout from my determination to make changes has been quite amazing.  I have attracted attention to my intuitive reading practice (without advertising), I have reached a stepping stone in my business where I spoke in front of a large room full of people about my aging process, I am having much more meaningful and truthful conversations without fear, and am generally feeling like a new woman. Not bad for a sexagenarian! (Love the ’60s!)

And, yes, I have a love interest who, at this point, would prefer to remain anonymous here. I have to respect that.  Suffice it to say that we are enjoying each other’s company immensely and I am learning how to be more open and transparent in each moment without attachment to outcome.  I love that he supports my desire to be real and authentic.

So where to from here? Well, now that I have a Gemini-friendly routine that I quite enjoy, I will write more often.  I will stay on course without trepidation (and where I quiver, I’ll fess up!).  I will have each moment to the fullest, regardless of content.

Have I said I love my life?  For those of you who inspire me, I thank you.  Some of you know who you are. Some of you don’t.  I will bookmark that last sentence for a future installment. 

With guilt-free love,

Buns.

PS 1: This is absolutely my favourite song to sing… You wouldn’t believe how I can belt this one out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhIXcHPF-Zo

PS 2: My girls.  http://www.reverbnation.com/fowlmouthmcphee

PS 3: How I am supporting my healthy aging!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PzIxCQ28wM