Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Capital “T” Truth

I can’t believe where my brain can take me if I just let it take over and do the driving.  Here I am, at the height of excitement about having manifested a self-contained little cottage (within walking distance of work), tenants for my condo (against all odds), and some interesting diversities that my store can incorporate to help out during the shoulder seasons.  In short, life is grand and the future looks rosy.

So now, down to business. I fire off an email to my future tenants, asking them if they would like me to leave them some dishes and other paraphernalia – they are a young couple just starting out and I have lots of extras.  I don’t hear from them for five days.  I have already started moving my stuff to my cottage.  I have committed to a lease.  My brain suddenly jumps into the driver’s seat and starts heading down the road of “they haven’t called back because they’ve decided not to rent your condo and they are afraid to tell you”.  I, now firmly established as a mere passenger, allow this to be the direction of my thoughts. There were a few moments where I recognized that these were exactly that – just thoughts, and that I really didn’t know what was going on in their world.  But for the most part, I was allowing this to be the destination.

And then I snapped out of it.  What I came to was this.  There was possibly some truth in this.  It could actually be that these two had come up against some insurmountable obstacle and had changed their minds about moving.  But rather than arguing with this possible reality, I began to sit with “so if it were true, what would I do?” And this was interesting.  It turned my worst fear into an opportunity to be creative about my next steps.  It became less fearful.  I made friends with the worst-case scenario. And all throughout this process, this little voice kept saying, “yes, this is what you need to do – and if you do it right, it will all work out”.  But I also knew in my heart of hearts, that this wasn’t quite it either.  Was the point of all this to manipulate the unknown in my thoughts so that I could make it turn out in my favour? 

No.  Not quite.  What I came to realize was that the point was to go through this process genuinely and actually be okay with whatever happened.  Not to do this so it would work out according to what I wanted.  But to surrender, submit, (and yes, both those words have charge for me), and lean into the comfort, strength, and absolute reliability of capital “T” truth.  This may sound like small potatoes to you, but for me, it was incredibly liberating.

Now I’m like a kid with a new toy.  I am finding all sorts of ways to play with this.  I have such gratitude for my teachers who have been sharing this with me for over ten years.  I know.  I know.  It takes a while to sink in.  Thank you. 

Oh, and by the way, my tenants emailed me at 2 o’clock this morning apologizing for not being in touch.  They had had an incredibly busy week, but were looking forward with great excitement to moving in to my place.  And I’m okay with that too.

Authentically yours,


Sunday, September 11, 2011


        When He touches me I clutch the sky’s sheets
                                the way other
                           the earth’s weave
                                     of clay
                       Any real ecstasy is a sign
                            you are moving
                                                                            in the right
                                                                 don’t let any prude tell
                                                                         you otherwise.
                                                                                                                           St Teresa of Avila

There are many mystics both from the east and west who have invited a sensual relationship with divinity. They make no apologies about using the word God.  For me it’s a struggle, having been raised catholic and witnessing so much hypocrisy around organized religion. So while I shy away from the word, I am drawn to the experience. My soul demands it and will not stop sighing until I have opened as fully as possible to translating the knowing of the divine, of love, into the physical.

My soul is non dogmatic by design…and practical by nature. I want to co-create this experience with another mortal that invites touch to render all obstacles, all closures and body contractions, mere illusion.  My divine co-conspirator will help me when I quicken with fear and I too will penetrate with certainty where he is wavering. There may always be areas of  fear in our perfectly flawed  humanity yet the nakedness of the heart will prevail.

 And isn’t it strange how very similar fear and excitement can feel in the body. The shift from one to the other is a mere thought away, a mere shift in perception.

Now imagine if you will, the reaction of revealing this desire over a chilled Martini on a first date, serious attention having been paid to the mammoth olives that glisten in oily shimmers of gin. The sunny patio radiates that particular west coast glow that makes us forget it ever rains.

The response will vary, from furrowed brow to raised forehead, to a blank stare of incomprehension, never fully reaching a total eye roll, the restraints of polite convention obviously still exuding their grip, we are Canadian after all.

In the past I would have considered toning this yearning down a bit, at least in presentation. I would have talked myself into holding back explaining to myself how with time and growing trust the proposal of ecstatic union might not seem so strange, so out of the box. Yet, knowing this intense heart state can be generated internally whenever I speak freely I am left softly unattached to the response I get. I have had to learn to cultivate this non attachment when speaking of something so profoundly relevant to my soul.
The choice is always mine to open or close, to act as love or act as fear. And that choice will ultimately define whether I am able to embrace the sky with abandon.
Besides, step one in the move toward ecstasy has to be congruence. Whatever is inside matches what is outside.

And oh, when two people are able to be so transparent, in spite of fears, well joyful freedom is only a sentence away.

 Many in the new age movement talk about connection but not so many are willing to start with themselves and radical self reflective honesty. And if you don’t start there then the energy gets tied up determining what to say or do show or tell instead of determining what IS and stating that.   How else can one move to this opening to ecstasy if we are still wearing masks or concerned about reaction and strategically holding back information.

 You don’t make love with your clothes on. You don’t achieve depth and true divine intimacy without getting emotionally naked! 
And yes, sometimes facing one’s fear is an inherent part of that process.
How has it happened that this is now my bliss? I have known for some time that when I accept and reveal myself in the present moment I  connect with my essence, my arrow is pointed straight for home. Yet my yearning to be met here actually got in my way and complicated the simplicity and surety that I already connected with myself this way, I am just having a lapse of consciousness.
 Too esoteric? Quite simply, my ability to accept and reveal all of myself in the present moment is in direct correlation to my experience of the divine.
It’s a simple concrete step, right? Stop hiding and flow with what is and you then feel the union that is present in every moment.
 My soul’s desire need not be guarded or delivered on some preordained schedule of dating etiquette. If it is too frightening to contemplate for some men, then off they go. I only want one in the end, one man who deeply understands and holds this sacredness of being with as much reverence as I do.
I am breathing deeply and letting the ecstasy indicate that I am on the right track. And ecstasy comes in many flavors and colors. While laughing, raucous passion is at the top of my list it also includes the silver silence of falling snow, the weight of dessert air drawing you into the most private parts of yourself, the surf with its constant sigh transforming tension into flow.

Or as my favorite mystic/poet Hafiz has said:

                       ONLY PUCKER AT CERTAIN MOMENTS?
                    Does God only pucker at certain moments
                                               of one’s life?
                                               No way!
                                     He is the wildest of us

Look, I even invited the word God, as an attempt to move beyond the shelter of linguistic discrimination.
So I will continue to pucker up to life, even in the moments that challenge. They too deserve a kiss in the knowing that they are all designed with a secret code to help me unfold.

Authentically Yours

Monday, September 5, 2011

Someone is watching over me ...

It’s Labour Day Monday, and I am experiencing mixed feelings today. I am nostalgic for the days when I would get the boys ready for school, see the excitement in their eyes for the start of a new year, and at the same time be amazed that the summer was over.  I have the flu and when I am compromised physically, I find it more challenging to weather the emotional storm that comes up.  I realize with a sharp stab in my heart that I will never help Duncan get ready for anything again. Having said that, there are lots of things that Sean and I will do together through the different stages in his young life.  And I treasure my moments with him (probably way more than he realizes!).

 Still, it could be a bit of a rough ride today. 

But then again, that’s simply a choice I make.  

If I look at what has transpired in the last two weeks, then I have to give my head a shake.  To wit, I got an email from someone whom I have only met once.  She came into the store last spring while visiting from Halifax.  She had come to Vancouver to take a weekend course.  She had a day to explore before she began, and had rented a car to get to her chosen points of interest.  She found herself browsing in the store and we struck up a conversation.  We clicked immediately and went on to talk about the wonders of synchronicity and being in the flow, and all those expansive topics of conversation that I am always happy to pursue. We decided to have dinner together that night, and the conversation continued.  It was mostly and Q&A session where she wanted to find out as much as she could about my spiritual practice.  (A month later, she was to send me a very precise recap of what I had talked about and her ability to synthesize the information was formidable.)  Well just last week, she, out of the blue, offered a sizable loan to me should I need it, interest free, and I could take as long as I needed to repay her.  I was stunned.  And grateful.  It was absolutely a clean give-and-receive situation.

And then, there’s my living situation. I love my home – I just wish it was closer to my business.  The other day, a former landlord told me that my favourite cottage in Horseshoe Bay was up for rent and he wanted me to consider taking it.   At first blush, it seemed an impossibility but I told him I would try to rent out my condo.  I needed to let him know in four days.  Right away, I was on the phone to several property managers, all of whom told me that it would take 60 to 90 days to place tenants.  I had this feeling though that it was truly meant to be and I had already begun to imagine how my furniture would look in my new cottage.  (It even has a pane-glass door leading out to a large deck from my bedroom – something that I have always seen in my dreams!)  So I went the craigslist route and rented my place out in one day. Of course I did.

(As an aside, I also had a reading from Natasha Rosewood who knew nothing of this but told me I would be moving in three weeks!)

So really, what have I got to complain about?  Absolutely nothing.  I believe that Duncan has been helping me get ready for my next chapter.  And I thank him.  xoxoxo

Authentically yours,

P.S.  I am also missing talking to The Robert.  It was a year ago this weekend that we reconnected.  If you are reading this my friend, know that I wish you a Happy Birthday filled with love.