Awakening

Surrounded by men on my recent journey to France I learned a few things. They kiss by 3’s in the south and only on 2 cheeks in the north. But they kiss…each other!   How lovely!

And almost every Frenchman I met in the countryside has great biceps that definitely were not sculpted in a gym. But I digress. I want to talk about the generous nature of men and in particular my dear friend Aarin who enticed me to take my recent trip to France and a new friend James who welcomed me into his home so graciously.

Words like never and always are infuriating to me. Use them frequently enough and you will find me poking holes at your generalizations trying to pluck out that one exception that dissolves the rest. And so when at a wine tasting Aarin was using exactly that kind of vocabulary talking about the grapes we sampling, I was momentarily taken aback.

I have spent my life blowing up boxes. Was I being now asked to enter another one, albeit a tasty one?  Was acceptance of some of the extremely rigid rules of growing grapes the price of admission to the club? I decided to stretch my thinking.

What if breaking rules simply because they were rules was actually an act of adolescent rebellion? Perhaps you first have to know what the rules are in order to decide to ignore them. 

And what if rules are not inherently bad or constricting but can actually create standards that offer consistency in a world of massive variables.

When I look at all the rules in wine making AND all the exceptions to the rules it makes my head spin. 

So where do I learn more? Cue the music. Enter James Dunstan, writer and wine importer who lives part of the year in Vacqueyras in the beautiful Southern Rhone part of Provence. Wine has been produced in this region since the 15^th century and the photo above depicts just how charming the village is. 

James has become my hero of the grape and his knowledge of wine and passion for quality seems to surpass famous American wine critic Robert Parker's penchant for high scores.  James was not only a fountain of information, he invited us into a world of mouthwatering sensations that while focused on wines also included music and conversation and superb taste treats from the local countryside.  His gift pairs his love of musical tracks with the perfect libation, and we reveled in this ambiance at his glorious home.

I tend to translate names into verbs when I am struck by the remarkable in a person’s character.  So while ‘Do a Grace Kelly’ means to take the high road, and ‘Do a Buns and Marty’ means you jump both feet into the next adventure that presents itself, ‘ Do a James Dunstan’ means you are going for the best. Be it a gorgeous wine, a simple luxury, a decadent treat or creating a moment that will resonate in memory, his taste for quality and a full bodied experience of sensual pleasure is to be appreciated.  Check out his blog at www.jamesdunstan.jp 

There is a lovely wine we enjoyed later in Paris called  L’Empreinte de Saint Mont 2011 . Its label reads. ‘ Laisser dans le temp une idee precise du plausir.’   It means, know the moment that pleasure enters.   This motto reflects my experience at James’s table. Pleasure and gratitude seeped into my pores. The delight was auditory, gustatory and held the resonate zing of meaningful connection.  This is how to live! 

Thank you gentlemen.  My heart says "Merci beaucoup."

Branded by the senses:

Authentically Yours,

Marty

The Auditory Effect

Flying to Phoenix via San Francisco we missed our connecting flight. You know that choice point we are often faced with... get verklempt, contracted and upset or open to the possibilities in a new albeit unforeseen event trusting the universe has another adventure in store for us.

Well come on, it's Buns and Marty. You know what we chose.

We linked arms with a fellow traveller named Guy and as he maneuvered our entry into the first class lounge we made the moment of connection more important than stressing about the future. Here is the thing about aligning with expansive choices, they ripple out and generate more of themselves.

Three hours sped by as we enjoyed ourselves, setting our kids up for romance and planning their fantasy wedding. My son and Guy's  daughter sounded like a perfect match and as selfish yentas, we figured it would be fun to be in-laws.

Yes, it's all about us!
So there we were, bubbling in a soup of transparent sharing, feeling great and revelling in mutual discovery. Fun!

My initial connection with Guy was sparked by a recognition of being kindred spirits around our perspective on the service industry. My parents were in the restaurant business and I was raised with a 'customer is always right' attitude.  I received complaints and no matter how unfair or unmerited would proceed to make things better, with a smile.

So now when I am paying for a service and it is not up to par, I speak up. If I am met with attitude, defense, or lack of response I up the ante and ask to speak to a supervisor. Guy understood this and shared the same sentiment. Not everyone does and some people get downright uncomfortable when faced with this kind of assertiveness.

Yet when Buns shared that she too at times felt uncomfortable I decided to challenge myself with a little experiment. I call it The Auditory Effect. I decided that I would still speak up when service was not quite right but with a conscious commitment to a tone of sweetness and wrapped in a softer, friendlier package.

I had lots of opportunities to practice over the following days... no washcloths in the bathroom, no shower caps, poor lighting in the makeup mirror and runny egg whites with room service. Lots of reasons to complain and yet I stayed true to the concept of  having fun with this.  I would still say what I normally would but now it was sandwiched with a "hi, how are you doing" and some silliness and good humor.

I really got to experience people more clearly this way, validate them and let them know that I believed in their ability to make things right. I oozed gratitude and laughed often. So did Buns and soon we would both be in stitches as I played with my new tonal Pollyanna. And... I got everything I wanted and more. People went out of their way to accommodate and those that started cranky got turned around and became far more pleasant.

This one is a keeper.  I am going to take this auditory effect to mastery and soon my new habit  will become my new normal. I am not being fake either. I am finding the sugar in my essence and deciding to lead with it. It's like chocolate, almost everyone responds well to it.

How sweet it is being sweet in Phoenix!

Branded by evolution,

Authentically Yours,
Marty

Attitude of Gratitude

The word gratitude comes from the Latin ‘gratia’ meaning favor, charm and thanks. It is similar to the Sanskrit word ‘gmati’ meaning, he praises. Today I feel grateful. This warmth in my body is calling me to get creative and express it…give it away.

My son just got back from school and writing some grueling exams. I plan on grinding up some dark roast, making his favorite omlettee, maybe even frothing his cappuccino as he claims the sofa for a well deserved day of relaxation. In truth I am not into sports on TV but with gratitude as my eau de cologne I only see how his happiness fills me with joy. So I cater and think of simple ways to let him know he is cared for. In truth it is these little acts of kindness that grow my appreciation and nourish me at the same time. There are not separate doorways one called giving and the other receiving. They are one. In the very moment I give thanks, I receive it.

I am grateful for my morning brew, gorgeous dark beans with a hint of chocolate. I am grateful that my holiday dog is coming to stay today. I am grateful for this home and the huge canvas vision board I will finish today endowing it with artistic representations of my hearts desire. And the people...all of the beautiful lights that surround me. Just thinking about it cultivates more of this delicious feeling.


Melanie Beattie, a writer who first opened my eyes to the ache of co-dependency in relationship, writes, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”


And if you are not feeling well, if you are lost in the veil of suffering, gratitude is the quickest way I know to shift out of it. Make a list, make a call, send an email. Each action generates more of those delightful bubbles that can accompany the state of gratitude, the state of grace.


Yes, I do love that feeling of grace. It touches my vision of tomorrow with the gentle sweetness of a mother’s hand on her child’s brow. It includes hope and possibility and openness to surprises. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow but I trust that if I keep resonating with gratitude today whatever it is will support me to expand and grow. Maybe it will even make me laugh out loud!  Living in gratitude makes me feel unconditionally loved and that’s a feeling I cannot live without. I once read that when we practice gratitude it’s as if we are practicing feeling loved. That concept intrigues me and inspires me.

So I am going to go practice some more now and maybe even reach out to someone who has been on my ‘I am not so happy with you list’ in order to ripple out and radiate my true essence. Even the struggles have inherent wisdom and opportunity to stretch and grow beyond our littleness.


I will never forget the day many years ago when I called my ex husband after years of living in the war zone of legal issues. I survived those times with as much grace as I could muster and when I failed at that task I stick handled my fear like a psychotic hockey puck. 
The learning was tremendous and I woke up from the dream one day, dropped with a thud into a new knowing of my essential self and realized that EVERYTHING that had happened during those times of strife were necessary pieces for me to grow through.

I called and thanked him. He was floored and didn’t believe me but that is not the point. What I felt was real. I thanked him and felt my heart stretch. This is the person I truly am, bigger than all the judgments I had held around his bad behavior and instead able to see the pain and fear that was driving it. And the gratitude was the knowing that if he hadn’t made his choices, painful as they were at the time , I would never have reached this willingness to now be so vulnerable…all in order to live in grace.


Charles Dickens said it so very simply, “Reflect on your present blessing-of which ever man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”


What are you grateful for?

The good, the bad …the silly?

 Who can you say thanks to today? Where are you being called to stretch?

Sleigh bells ring…are you listening?  Yes, go ahead sing it out loud.

Authentically Yours,
Marty

Someone is watching over me ...

It’s Labour Day Monday, and I am experiencing mixed feelings today. I am nostalgic for the days when I would get the boys ready for school, see the excitement in their eyes for the start of a new year, and at the same time be amazed that the summer was over.  I have the flu and when I am compromised physically, I find it more challenging to weather the emotional storm that comes up.  I realize with a sharp stab in my heart that I will never help Duncan get ready for anything again. Having said that, there are lots of things that Sean and I will do together through the different stages in his young life.  And I treasure my moments with him (probably way more than he realizes!).

 Still, it could be a bit of a rough ride today. 

But then again, that’s simply a choice I make.  

If I look at what has transpired in the last two weeks, then I have to give my head a shake.  To wit, I got an email from someone whom I have only met once.  She came into the store last spring while visiting from Halifax.  She had come to Vancouver to take a weekend course.  She had a day to explore before she began, and had rented a car to get to her chosen points of interest.  She found herself browsing in the store and we struck up a conversation.  We clicked immediately and went on to talk about the wonders of synchronicity and being in the flow, and all those expansive topics of conversation that I am always happy to pursue. We decided to have dinner together that night, and the conversation continued.  It was mostly and Q&A session where she wanted to find out as much as she could about my spiritual practice.  (A month later, she was to send me a very precise recap of what I had talked about and her ability to synthesize the information was formidable.)  Well just last week, she, out of the blue, offered a sizable loan to me should I need it, interest free, and I could take as long as I needed to repay her.  I was stunned.  And grateful.  It was absolutely a clean give-and-receive situation.

And then, there’s my living situation. I love my home – I just wish it was closer to my business.  The other day, a former landlord told me that my favourite cottage in Horseshoe Bay was up for rent and he wanted me to consider taking it.   At first blush, it seemed an impossibility but I told him I would try to rent out my condo.  I needed to let him know in four days.  Right away, I was on the phone to several property managers, all of whom told me that it would take 60 to 90 days to place tenants.  I had this feeling though that it was truly meant to be and I had already begun to imagine how my furniture would look in my new cottage.  (It even has a pane-glass door leading out to a large deck from my bedroom – something that I have always seen in my dreams!)  So I went the craigslist route and rented my place out in one day. Of course I did.

(As an aside, I also had a reading from Natasha Rosewood who knew nothing of this but told me I would be moving in three weeks!)

So really, what have I got to complain about?  Absolutely nothing.  I believe that Duncan has been helping me get ready for my next chapter.  And I thank him.  xoxoxo

Authentically yours,

Buns

P.S.  I am also missing talking to The Robert.  It was a year ago this weekend that we reconnected.  If you are reading this my friend, know that I wish you a Happy Birthday filled with love.

Beauty in the Drum

Woke up with the Beatles singing in my head, with only a fraction of the lyrics but on a permanent spin cycle of repetition. Yay say it’s your birthday…dah…dah…dah…dah…dah…dah…dah…dah…well its my birthday too yah…..birthday…take a ch ch ch chance….birthday…
Have I given it to you too now?


My untested belief is that if I can make someone else sing it, it will leave my brain alone. 
I have tried to get numerous people to launch into the chorus. My favorite cranky Starbucks barista would have none of it. I live in the West End where people tell it like it is…clear and direct! It’s my mission in life to get him to crack a smile.

“It’s my birthday,” I say, waiting for my iced Americana, having sworn off lattes for the moment.   It’s the little things, after all.    Change your Starbucks habit, change your life, I always say. Well I don’t but maybe I should start, it seems a likely t- shirt slogan.
“I have the Beatles floating around inside my head…you know the song.”
“How many Beatles dearie? And don’t expect me to get in there with them. My head has voices enough.”
I buy the New York Times and settle in to enjoy some sunshine before heading to the beach for my B- Day BBQ. I feel happy and alive.


My friends are amazing. I am so blessed. A spot was scouted and secured early in the afternoon. Purple balloons marked the spot. I brought metallic beads to hang from the trees and cushions and blankets staked our territory on the dog friendly sands at the water’s edge. The food was tremendous including a cake invented in my honor which rocked my no sugar, no starch world and is now called The Tiara after the glistening crystals that adorned my head for the day.  The best part of any gathering for me is the co –creativity.  Old friends, new friends, each bringing their gift of spirit to celebrate and connect.

I was down pouring ( a term used to describe discreetly hiding wine as you fill glasses since you are not actually allowed to imbibe on the beach) on a rich green velvet cloth that covered a standing drum. I thought, I better not spill, since whoever owns that drum will be so upset. When I received the mahogany drum as a birthday gift I felt tears welling up. I have always wanted to drum and judge myself inadequate.
When I expressed my fears, the friend who was giving me the gift said,” If a person has a heartbeat they can drum.” Then with touching grace our eyes met and connected. “And you dear friend, have a huge heart!” I took a breath and softened, deeply touched.


The sun was beginning to set casting luminous shades of amber rays across the waters. The drumming circle was calling in the distance and we made our way over to join in dancing down the sun. I christened my drum rather shyly, much more comfortable dancing with my body that the externalized rhythm of my hands. I am ok with that for now.  I will grow bold as I continue to dare myself to stretch.


As light faded into dark and we adorned ourselves with glow in the dark bracelets I whispered a silent internal thank you. Even my holiday dog, Roxanne had her paws illuminated with florescent colors. She makes me smile with delight! 

You know, I think the west coast has seeped into my bones when I wasn’t looking.  I feel the energetic roots of nature and the elements, of music and harmony among friends, wrap me in a cocoon of contentment.

I anticipate much laughter as I gaze with pleasure at the coming year of transformation and adventure. And I will follow the advice of the immortal fab four on birthdays and take a “ch ch  ch chance…”


And darn if the song doesn’t begin its repetitive refrain again.


Authentically Yours
Marty

Sealed With A Kiss

Living in downtown Vancouver, mere blocks from the storm of post Stanley Cup violence I have been impacted. I watched with horror as mobs of youth hit the streets unleashing a rage that was an assault to witness let alone be swept up in.  I was worried. I knew my son had gathered with friends at a downtown hotel to watch the game and I didn’t know where he was.  His story, I later learned involved running from tear gas with his shirt over his head and thankfully he was able to duck into an alley. Those in the middle of the stampede were not as lucky. As St Paul’s Hospital set up outdoor areas to wash the victims clean of the noxious spray the rampage in the downtown corridor continued. Police cars burned, looters smashed windows and a crazed mayhem seemed almost other worldly. What city was this? What country were we in?

The next morning armed with brooms and trash bags the shards of glass and litter were swept away by city workers and citizens young and old.  They came from all walks of life united by a common desire to wipe away the stain of shame that had blanketed the city. 

 
The deafening response to the rioters was a call for retribution, punishment, revenge! They must pay!  The desire to find someone or something to blame was blatantly pervasive. It MUST be someone’s fault, the police, the media, hockey, testosterone, the suburbs, criminal gangs…oh heck… let’s throw in mothers who raised boys like that just cause they tend to be easy scapegoats.  If we don’t find the bad guy and make them pay we will never be safe!

Well, I am going to go against the grain.  Rather than look for blame I am looking for meaning. And when one looks for meaning, choice of perception is the critical element that must be brought to awareness. Honestly it is no different here than in intimate relationship. The same principles apply. Do I believe in accountability...absolutely.                                                                                                                            And those who broke the law should be held responsible for their actions. Yet we as a society, as a city, as individuals, miss the mark if we do not look deeply at the root of this eruption. Just as in personal relationship we miss the mark if we do not look deeply inside ourselves to explain the cause of any upset with another person. We miss our own expansion if we stop at attributing blame.

Most of the rioters were young males. Most were drinking and my theory is that the destruction sprang from an inner core of powerlessness and fear.  Look at bullies. Internally they are insecure and frightened and their need to avoid both that knowledge and the accompanying feelings of helplessness that it evokes often leads to brutal actions. What I saw in the crowd of yahoos was inner fear so painful and unthinkable that the drunken bravado of taking over the city streets gave some kind of respite from their internal pain.  Does this excuse their choices, not at all.  It does however invite some evolutionary thinking around how to best to heal this inner toxicity in our youth so that they can become whole, confident, loving and awake human beings who are a contributing force in our society.

‘To hell with that! Punish them,’ yell the masses.
 I say hold them accountable and TEACH them, work with them.

Imagine if along with every sentence for those found responsible for the destruction came a mandated support group where avoiding oneself was no longer an option.  A group, where waking up to their internal pain, the inner demons that prompted Wednesday’s outburst could actually result in growth and amends rather than retribution. Healthy shame would be encouraged for such inappropriate actions yet toxic shame which infiltrates the psyche and only breeds more reactivity would be released.
The difference is that with healthy shame you are saying, ‘what I did was wrong’ and you take action to make amends.  With toxic shame you say, ‘I AM WRONG ‘and you act it out again, needing the cover of blindness to avoid feeling the agony of this belief. 
I know this is not a popular opinion, especially when people feel victimized but one must ask how does healing occur.  And it is never with more vengeance or revenge or fear based reactivity wanting to lay blame.                                                                                                                                                                                     It starts with a soft heart and desire to understand. This is true in all relationships. If your perception is coming from a fear based reactive mind then that is what you will see. You will lay blame outside yourself and the intensity of that urge is in direct correlation to how much unresolved pain has been activated in you. Whenever we feel victim to someone else and their actions and lay blame as if they are doing something to you, we participating in a cycle of distorted thinking.  If we work on changing our own perceptual filter, softening our hearts and staying in charge of the only place we have any power…inside ourselves …then we become contributors to change and transformation. From that place we are called to gentle action that can ripple out and impact others in a positive way. Action must accompany thought yet deciding which thought one will be driven by is ultimately the difference between issueing an invitation to healing and union or discord and upset.

The morning following the riots as broken windows were boarded up and remnants of chaos still scarred the landscape, two police officers responded to a call. When they returned to their parked squad car it was plastered with sticky notes…notes of love and thanks for the bravery, courage and patience that the police demonstrated on Wednesday night. In many languages, with symbols and flowers, they were all an expression of inspired action.
After the game cars burned with pent up hate…today they are touched by words of gratitude and love.

The cruiser was carefully moved to the Cambie Police Station, sticky notes intact, where it now sits in front of the entrance, a white symbol of service and protection with tiny fragments of emotion fluttering about like wings of butterflies. People gently mill about touched by this essence of loving kindness. It is truly miraculous that we as a species are able to make such shifts in a heartbeat. It made me cry.
I was so inspired to add my voice to this spontaneous tribute of appreciation that I went inside the station to ask for supplies. The gal behind the counter was happy to share paper and tape, nothing officious about her as if a bond already existed between us even through the bullet proof partition.
 
I poured my emotions into the sticky and smoothed it onto the car.  People smiled in silent understanding. I was walking away my chest expanding with each satisfying breath. I felt good. I felt touched…and then that darned old impulse took hold.
I sprinted back and reapplied my lipstick with the help of my vintage compact. A 40’s pin up girl lounging on a chaise decorates its antique silver cover.  Alas, I wasn’t wearing red that day so the boys in blue got  Coral Blaze.

My heartfelt thanks…sealed with a kiss.

Authentically Yours
Marty