Saturday, August 25, 2012

I call him Rumi.

Did you know that I have my own personal Rumi? Because of him, I have had a major breakthrough.  And yes, it has felt more like a breakdown at times.  Where do I start? Like Marty last week, I’m reluctant to put this into words, lest some of it gets lost in the vernacular. Yet at the same time, for me it has been so profound that I know it is to be shared. I’m quite sure I am not alone in this.

A few months ago, I offered a friend of mine a place to stay while he sorted out his personal life. We have known each other for almost five years and have grown quite close on almost every level (read – no snogging) and we enjoy each other’s company immensely.  He is highly intelligent, creative, entertaining, a good cook, very kind, easy on the eyes, passionate about music, and comes with a surprisingly similar set of issues as mine.  We have always been drawn to each other in a magnetic way and that’s how I recognize that our relationship is karmic.  It’s perfect.  We make each other cry, we call each other on our shit, we listen well to each other, we hold space for each other while we process pieces, and we are constantly teasing out the truth behind the truth behind the truth.  In short, we don’t let each other get away with a thing.  And we are both evolving rapidly at the moment.  A spiritual fast track if you will.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

So what was he to show me?  He was out late one night and I had grown quite used to his being around.  Out of the blue came this desperate feeling of abandonment.  I couldn’t sleep.  I had this horrible sense of desertion that was so disproportionate to reality.  The next morning he could see that I was still upset and was quick to sit down and help me find out what it was all about.  What we realized was that he had inadvertently ignited that deep gut-wrenching feeling when you lose someone you love (e.g. my son Duncan).  It was a revelation that helped me get to our karmic core.

Over the next few days, I sat with this feeling and was able to come to a greater understanding of a past life that we shared.  This is where it gets difficult to put into words… and I do take a couple of quantum leaps here, so bear with me…

We clearly had met in a past life.  We were in a relationship where he couldn’t commit completely to me.  As a result, I carried a belief that no one would ever commit to being in a relationship with me. I wasn’t worth it.  Not good enough.  Blah, blah, blah. I continued to search relentlessly for what I had come to believe was impossible… someone to love me, truly, madly, deeply.

At the same time, I thought that if I ever committed to being in a relationship with someone, that meant I was losing out on the possibility of other love that might be better than what was in front of me.  A sort of quantity vs. quality kind of quest.  I saw commitment as being limiting vs. its being an opportunity to nourish something beautiful. 

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.”
Words of Paradise: Selected Poems of Rumi

Next came this.  What if I made a commitment to myself?  Mmm.  Now there was a thought.  And not just pay lip-service to self acceptance, but actually fuel a far deeper relationship with myself than I had ever considered attainable before.  At this point I was with reach of a huge piece… I could feel it…

If I could do that, I would not have to suffer loss of love because love would always be there. 

When that realization hit me, and then percolated throughout my body, I had a frisson of excitement. It has been a huge shift in my inner world that has helped to heal some pretty significant pieces.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Branded by karma,

Buns xo

P.S.  Just in case you’re reading this Rumi, I’ll be out late tonight.  It’s Marty’s birthday and we’re doing it up right tonight!


  1. Wonderful words. You write so beautifully, straight from the heart. It's a rare skill, well, for me at least. Hope you and Rumi collide on birthday night! xxx

  2. Hey Buns,
    I love how brave you are! Here is the Rumi vein that coarses through my heart most...."Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along."