Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The S.S. Princess of Pain

A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.  I read this quote by Grace Hopper once and it has always stuck with me.

In the last couple of weeks, I came to realize that I definitely am here to pilot my ship through all kinds of stormy weather, while my dearest Robert prefers the harbour.  While I do not want to share the details, I had to tell him that I was continuing to chart my course and that I could not remain in safe harbour.  I just couldn’t.  My inclination in the past would have been to suppress what I needed so that I could maintain a relationship.  Fix it.  Mend the sails if you will.  In my heart of hearts though, I knew that I had to move on.  It wasn’t pretty.  I wasn’t very graceful.  I am still tossing and turning and reliving that awful moment of realization that I had to say something.  My timing wasn’t perfect (is it ever in a case like this?), and he was hurt.  Hence the moniker “Princess of Pain” which he has let me know since that he calls me that with a tad of amusement. 

I am deeply grateful to The Robert for being who he is and for being so willing to go beyond his comfort zone and have a long distance relationship with me.  Ironically it was he who made me realize it was time for me to move out of the safe harbour I had created around myself after Duncan died.  The Robert helped me relearn the excitement of living and loving and I will never forget that.

If I am to stick with the seafaring metaphor, some might say that right now I am up Shit Creek without a paddle … a job that I love ends in a month, my condo is for sale, some stressful times around Mother’s Day and Dunc’s birthday, and an aching heart.  Yes, some might say that. 

But if I’ve learned anything over the last three years, it is that I have an endless supply of life force energy … no matter what, if I choose, I can always summon up the strength and will to continue my journey.  (And I know it isn’t always going to look like a series of linked beer commercials!) 

And I am committed to being authentic.

Here’s another one of my favourite quotes … And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Authentically yours,



  1. I love how just at a moment of personal challenge and tears (it is me after all and challenge and tears do seem to go hand in hand) I read this blog and was able to match up. Maybe our ships can sail beside each other through the storm!
    Love s

  2. Dearest Princess,

    I want you to know you have given me immeasurable joy during our twisty, magical adventure together. And my heart sings knowing I have given you such a life-changing gift. That alone makes my hurtiness(tm) worthwhile.

    Although my pain at losing you is searing & palpable, and the world is veiled in blackness for me at the moment, I know I'll eventually come through this a better person for knowing you.

    You are without a doubt the most amazing woman I have had the honour of knowing in my life, bar none. You are truly beautiful inside and out.

    I have learned so much from you, you've opened up my heart and emotions in a way that noone else has ever done. I am indebted.

    When the tears dry, the wounds heal and I start to see daylight again, I will look forward to staying connected so we can take our relationship to a different level. You were, and still are, so very important to me I could not bear to have you out of my life forever. That would indeed be a waste. I will love you always, Buns. Very, very much.

    The Robert, xoxoxoauthenticallyyoursxoxoxox