Goethe and the empty-nester

Well I’ve finally done it.  I kicked myself out of my comfortable little nest.  I’m on my own – no more safety net, no more training wheels.  This is it.  My own two wings (or one wing and a prayer!).  There are times when I feel like I am plummeting hell bent towards the ground and then I straighten out and fly right, maybe even soar for a bit, then, in a stomach-twisting descent, head for certain demise – only to find that I actually can fly.  I just have to commit to it.

I speak of course of my decision to go out on my own, business-wise.  In the past, I always had partners or worked for someone as their chief cook and bottle washer … in short, I always had an out.  I wasn’t the buck stop.  I simply never believed I could do it without someone else being in the driver’s seat. 

I am also realizing it runs much deeper than that.  This week while I spent hours painting baseboards, I used each brushstroke as a meditative metronome to sit with this.  What I learned about myself is that I automatically assume that everyone else is superior to me (and therefore better than me).  It speaks to my deep inner picture that I am not enough.  I will go to great ends to not look stupid or incompetent.  And it gets me into trouble.  I find myself in conversational cul-de-sacs that I can’t get out of.

Well, I can’t do that any more.  I am the boss of me.  And I have to make some hard decisions.  And I am going to have to say no when I need to say no, no matter what it makes me look like.  Then I will be able to say YES! when it feels completely resonant to me.

One of my favourite quotes that I read often (especially these days) is from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy – the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth – the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

What I have found since I committed to Presence, is that unforeseen incidents do indeed occur – some of them not so pretty, but all of them incredibly helpful – if I choose to experience them in that way.

Love Buns

P.S.  I loved your post about the apples Marty.  I can’t wait until we have a chance to talk about that some more. It really helped me with my ruminations this week.