Sunday, July 8, 2012

Eye Am

Forgiveness is a word that is often misunderstood. People confuse the action with intent to justify or minimize the event or behavior of the offender but really forgiveness means to let go of the anger and the call for retribution or compensation that the offense may illicit.
We do not sanction the behavior nor make it acceptable but we let go of the energy of victimhood, of our own powerlessness in order to move forward with our lives. We forgive to free ourselves so the past does not triumph. We always have free will, choice in how we perceive and in whether or when we forgive.

That painful events and interactions with people will occur is inevitable.  How we respond is what ultimately either empowers us or perpetuates our state of victim.
And so with that I will share an experience I just went through, only days ago. I am consciously choosing to forgive the person and I am not quite there yet but my path is set. I want my own freedom more than I want retribution, that much is true, but to say that I understand or feel compassion toward Seattle would not be.

So Seattle, yes another geographically distant internet love interest. Hey, they are getting closer, what can I say?  I refuse to be geographically challenged in my interactions.
Well this one had all the bells and whistles. He was chivalrous, ex coast guard, talked like a man of honor with his deep Barry White chocolate tones and was adamant about his intolerance for people who did not keep their word. 

With my history of men who did not keep their word this was very attractive. He had an intriguing alpha male energy about him which I liked, possibly all the more because I have not had much experience with it. (Other than Chicago, remember him?)

More and more I am wondering if this longing to surrender to my femininity actually calls for a strong masculine, energy so solid and unwaveringly true that surrendering to it makes sense. In other words as a leader, which I have been most of my life I had to know where I was leading. And now inviting masculine/feminine polarity I long to experience being led. Of course in order to give that over to a man I would have to both know and desire the destination he is leading toward. That state you don’t wait for a man to tell you, that you must know for yourself.  This concept makes sense to me only when the direction is in surrendering to my own softness, deeper and deeper into my divine feminine heart.  If I have this all wrong I will own it but I still have not gone far enough in this process of letting go to the masculine to know for sure. So I stay committed to the learning curve here.

Seattle made bold proclamations, expressed attraction for me and a desire to connect again. He kissed me tenderly, touched me frequently, commented on feeling my beating heart as he held me and was eager to arrange our next rendezvous.  A final hug after our day soaking in delightful sunlight as we sipped and shared conversation by the water’s edge and he left to drive back to Seattle saying he would call that night to let me know he got back home.

 I did not lead any of this. I was open and felt giddy and girlish after, a smile on my face. A good sign, since if you knew me those are not qualities most would use to describe me. I liked it. I was so impressed that he was enough of a gentleman to make that three hour drive in his desire to connect.

And then the cliché began. Nothing! No call that night. The next day two calls from Washington but no message. I felt tricked, hurt angry at times but mostly sad that somehow this person who had declared how vital honesty and trust were to him and how he was a man of his word was now breaking that.

 I could not understand what makes a person deceive another.  Really, call me Polly Anna but I do not get it. If you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings by being honest ok, but then why proclaim attraction and indicate interest with kisses and anticipation.

Male incongruent behavior has been a pattern in my history. I realized that not only was this red flag familiar, in the past I would not listen to the warning and instead gloss over or entertain excuses. 

Now, this was over before it had actually even begun. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions had to be in alignment with your words, it was that simple. I realized I no longer was looking for a blessing in disguise. I invite a blessing that is straight up and true.

Now forgiveness is coming. I have moved through forgiving myself for believing him and am working on letting go of any resentment and ill will toward him.  It’s easy to fool oneself and simply say the words I let you go with love and kindness. One does not need apology after all to forgive. Yet I am being radically honest both because it is my nature and also because I know there are gems to mine in the process if one is being authentic. I want to claim those diamonds even more than a pair of studs from Cartier. So I admit there is a lingering ( not strong) but maybe 5 out of 10) urge to say just four words to him if he calls. Just four words and then hang up. Maybe saying them here will release me from the need or maybe I will say them.

                               “KARMA IS A BITCH!”
I leave you with a line from a Coldplay song. “Lights will lead you home, and ignite your bones……
And the fastest way I know to feel this ever-present light is to forgive.

I do.

Branded by romantic optimism:

Authentically Yours,

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