Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Between a rock and a soft place.

I have been profoundly moved. 

The young woman whom my son was very fond of for many years, got married a couple of weeks ago.  I was a guest. It was a perfect day.  Held in the “church of the great outdoors”, the ceremony was natural, honest, authentic, and joyous.  Prior to his passing, I had harboured the hope that she and Duncan would be the ones standing at the altar of lifetime promises.  The man who she chose is wonderful and I am very happy for the two of them.  They make an adorable and solid couple. It is an absolute “meant to be” and I look forward to being witness to their evolving as a couple and family.

When I arrived at the ceremony, one of the attendants handed me a little rock that the bride had painted.  It had Duncan’s name on it and a little star.  It was so he could be there and sit with me.  I still well up with emotion at the beauty, depth and simplicity of her gesture.  I will never forget that tenderness.

So where did this all take me inwardly?  The entire weekend was held at a place where we as a family would go on summer trips with friends.  It was nostalgic being there even if there were no nuptials to attend. While I was thrilled on the one hand to be there, the weekend also served to nudge me into a deeper “thawing” of my still pent-up sadness. 

Rather than shy away from feeling what I was feeling (after all, haven’t I done all this already? Haven’t I done well processing my grief?), I let it in.  And what I found was that I didn’t harden around it so as to protect my aching heart.  I softened, and realized that I could have Duncan in such a bigger way if I just stop trying to manage my process.

That little rock sits by a picture of Duncan.  When I hold it, I swear he is telling me to stay soft and open.

And, just a couple of days ago, I had the luxury of spending some time with my 16-month-old godson.  What joy to have him scamper into my bedroom first thing in the morning so we could make a fort with the pillows and then snuggle in.  He brought back some treasured memories.

Ain’t love grand.

Branded by softness,

Buns xoxox

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