Sunday, September 23, 2012

Breaking All The Rules

I am not a fan of rules. As a matter of fact breaking them is part of my nature, you know that adolescent “You are not the boss of me….don’t tell me what to do”, way of reacting. So some may find it strange that in the book I am writing on internet dating I am creating a map for empowered and pleasurable interaction that you may consider rules.

It’s not that I don’t encourage following one’s intuition (the antithesis of rule following) its more that in the realm of romance, until one decides to wake up to the internal program we are wired with, often ruled by fairytales, projection and past experience, some external guidance could be helpful.

Think of it as a handbook of healthy guidance that considers male/female dynamics, as well as encourages you to get clear about your criteria when picking a partner. And you can’t get clear about what you want if you are not clear about who you are and what you are offering. I am my own guinea pig for this project as I observe my mental gymnastics in this field fraught with cultural conditioning. I am called to get very real and accountable, owning my own patterns of resistance…all implemented to avoid the pain of being hurt.
I see my process as one of dismantling the old and metamorphosis in the now. The working title of this book says it all. How To Turn Finding The One Into Finding Yourself.

And so my new adventure begins. We started communicating on my birthday.

 Rule number 1. Invite all of your senses into the process. He is very sweet looking, soulful, aware and lives just a few blocks away. In his profile he said he was looking for a woman who was true to herself. I resonated with that and with the depth of our exchanges. I felt tingles.

Rule number 2.  Talk on the phone. Ask questions and listen, really listen. Do an auditory check to see if there is a pull toward knowing more. This is not a date, say my rules. It is coffee to see if you want to have a date. Think of it like a process of discernment meant to ensure that you stay awake to what is driving you, as well as a rule to keep you safe.
Coffee was good…beautiful eyes. Check. He wants to set up a date for the weekend.

 Rule number 3. Do not take charge. You do not get to create the date. It’s important throughout the courtship process for masculine energy to feel like they are pursuing and leading. Your task is to stay inside yourself, soft and open and let him be in charge of making the next meeting happen. I used to have to work at this, now it has become natural. So far I am following my own rules.

Saturday dawns Indian summer sunny and as we rendezvous at the marina. 

Rule number 4.  Meet in a public place.  He then leads me into Stanley Park, a populated part.  Ok I suggest the exact spot on the sand but that doesn’t count as a rule break since he asked me to pick. He laid out a table cloth and a delicate spread of guava, figs and chocolate and offers red wine. Check, check, check. We had a lovely, soothing kind of day just sharing and meandering in conversation, soaking up sun until the tide turned and literally came splashing up to engulf my coral painted toes. He snaps a picture on his phone. Foot fetish? I hope so. Maybe my toes just look pretty? Maybe it’s not about me at all; he’s got a thing for tides? Wow, time had passed quickly.  He wants to walk me to my door and I let him.

Rule number 5.  Do not give out your last name or address on a first date.  Broken.
He offers to help me screw on the leg of my sofa that I had mentioned earlier was askew, I accept.

Rule number 6. Do not invite him into your home, do not meet alone. Broken.
We start with drinking water on the balcony until the words just magically slip out, “Would you like a cocktail?” 
Rule number 7. Broken. Avoid alcohol on a first date.

I lose track of which rule I am breaking as I continue to get to know him. He doesn’t get defensive when I ask probing questions.  He has an understanding of what to do in a relationship when there is struggle or conflict and he is just plain cute! And time plays tricks…suddenly it is dark and the sun has set. I realize I hadn’t enjoyed myself this much in ages. Nor have I been this authentic and vulnerable since Toronto with Paul. Not only is it dark out, the clock reads 10:30 pm and I realize I am hungry and I offer him a meal.

We barbeque a feast and before you know it it is 5 am. What!! The whole night had passed as we cocooned on the balcony talking. Yes…talking. That is one rule I will not be breaking. I will tell you more next time.

In retrospect I realize how lovely it feels to have no expectation or future flashing fantasies about all this. I was in the present moment, alive, laughing and loving the mystery of that alchemical connection that can occur between two people.
I think that is the key to breaking rules that were set up to keep you empowered. Make sure you ARE empowered and not being driven by a desired outcome.  Maybe I need to add that to the book under construction.

We have continued to see each other. Each time just as easy as the last. That is new for me. Feels like progress in the melting of my fairytale romance program, a program filled with good guys and bad guys.

 I do not know what this interaction with this human being is for. I do know I feel good and soft and open inside and when he says there are only two goals worth having, unconditional love and absolute vulnerability….he means it. I believe him.

So I surrender to radical curiosity and to honoring my goal, the only one I feel is worth having… from the core of who I am, owning all the parts of me that are a barrier to love.

Wish me luck.

Branded by surrender,

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