Monday, January 19, 2015


Yes it has been a while since our last installment. No excuses, we let living be the priority.  
 It wasn’t until our recent rendezvous at my favorite Vancouver haunt Café Medina
that I agreed to double post while Buns flies off to Palm Springs. How come when we are together synchronisity seems to bubble up in the most delightful ways?

Buns was diving into her mashed avocado on grilled focaccia with egg and Medina bacon in an apple gastrique, while I, waving my fork madly with passionate articulation was explaining the three stages of relationship.

First stage, think roles and defensive boxes. Participants are fighting to be right and blaming their partner for whatever they feel. 

Second stage, equality and democratic distribution of power. Most people live here and consider it fortunate if they do. No nasty arguments or the ones that occur are settled with civility and mutual respect. Negotiations are fair and consider both people. Compromise is handled graciously and with tact. 

So who wouldn’t want that? Well if you are one of the mad fools who are called to explore beyond the known, who want to live at your edge and invite spirit into your ménage a trois, then the third stage is calling.

The third stage relationship involves using every upset as an opportunity to evolve and stretch. You are both radically honest and transparent about everything. Instead of compromise there is agreement to a structure to work into one’s personal reactivity and keep the focus of exploration on self. That means that talking about content isn’t even relevant until the original wound that sits under the reactivity is explored. 

You don’t avoid wounds in this stage, you invite them, knowing they are not real. You feel them, go way back into their origin  and most importantly uncover what you made up about yourself or the world way back then with your child eyes and child brain. Then you can correct the past faulty belief that is still playing out in your current relationship. 

Why? Why go through all this?  In one simple word…intimacy. The depth of intimacy ( into…me…see) that is experienced when you return whole and raw to your lovers arms is beyond description. This is the alchemical marriage of masculine and feminine, self with other, self with self.

Instead of avoiding upset, swallowing feelings or even just getting over them, you invite them as threads to follow, back home to yourself.

I was at the point of saying how juiced I am at having this level of depth in my future relationship when the room erupted with the opening bars of a song that has always roused my school girl heart into fantasy. I know it’s cliché and so old fashioned romantic, but as soon as I hear it I start to sing. 

As Buns joined in with her beautiful voice, her steadiness of pure harmony, we belted out a few verses, in the middle of the restaurant. Self-consciousness wasn’t on the menu.

 It felt like a sign. A song that is the essence of romantic fantasy pops up just as I am swearing allegiance to a third stage relationship and it’s need for radical honesty. Thanks universe. I hear you and no I won’t settle. I want my future partner to look in my eyes and think...there is no lie in her fire.

So what’s a girl to do until that brave partner in exploration appears? 

Well...practice. Luckly the skill set needed for this kind of evolution can be developed with anyone who is willing to fly into themselves and I have a new friend who is very comfortable flying into the flames. 

Phoenix into the ashes…here we go again.

Branded by the unknown,

Authentically yours,

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