Musings on Spas, New Men and Horses

Ohhhh Buns. Not only am I thrilled that you are "Leaving On a Jet Plane" ... yes I am still singing that song ... I LOVE this piece around experiencing JOY directly.

Could we be any more alike, you and I? I too have noticed that much of my joy comes from going through what is in front of me, my challenges, my pain, my contraction or as you call it, flinching.

I am proud that I have learned to use whatever is presenting itself in me as a road or map to joy AND maybe you are right ... it's time for a more direct route ... a super highway... an autobahn ... new wiring that comes directly from what is good and translates into JOY.

I certainly have had those moments too and not necessarily big moments. Once while taking out the garbage I felt something deep inside light me up. "What is that?", I wondered, since nothing was happening to warrant such a huge sensation in me.

JOY... like a fountain overflowing with magenta and rising up in me FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. The more I allowed and invited the experience ... without content or explanation simply by breathing into it, the more I felt it.

That's what I want -- to unhook from events and even people and be my own inner fountain of cascading essence, extending Myself to the world. It's a powerful place.

I can choose to extend joy, love, unconditional positive regard no matter what is happening outside of me. As a matter of fact, extending that feeling when what I perceive is challenging is exactly when I teach myself and the world the truth about who I am.

I may be having a human experience that includes fear, sadness, disappointment -- the whole spectrum of feelings -- AND I can be connected to my core essence at the same time. What I choose to share is a choice that not only impacts my experience but ripples out to others as well. It's important to me to not negate the human variables, our shadow sides and layers as personalities but rather to express them with the understanding that I am NOT those feelings or thoughts.

That is really one of my favorite anchors, I have my feelings I AM NOT MY FEELINGS.

I have my thoughts, I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS.

Yet this leaves one called to answer the ultimate existential question.  "Who Am I? Who am I beyond my roles and personality?" It's a good question to answer.... oui?

And on a more sensual note, I wanted to share with you my day at the spa, a Moroccan Hammam called Miraj here in Vancouver. So divine and a perfect way to share intimate space.

I wrote (oh shoot, what am I going to call this new man ... I am sure I will be referring to him in the future and since we are keeping names out of the mix ... hmmm ... ok, got it ... inspired by Mr. Big from Sex and the City... I will call him Chicago ...)

So I wrote to Chicago about the spa and bravely sent a really bad, post- massage, bed head, in a spa robe, no makeup picture ... don't forget I am sending this to a man I haven't met yet (he comes to visit in a few weeks) and here is how I described the experience at the Hamman.

http://www.mirajhammam.com/

After the steam bath and the scrub with Moroccan black soap and eucalyptus essencial oil ...

After the deep massage where I surrendered all tension and thought, even of you my sweet ...

We rested on iridescent satin pillows reclining in the darkening twilight ... orange, turquoise, celadon, green ... lounging on the divan ... sipping mint tea ...

Dark chocolate melted in my mouth and Clementines burst with fragrant flavor scenting the air and remaining on my fingers after each succulent juicy section.

Sepia light entered through wrought iron bars over the arched windows casting patterns of delicate intricacies, swirls of eastern flowers changing shape on the rich clay walls ...

It was so wonderful to reconnect with my "sisters" and my friend, my once upon a time, mother in law. We cried, we laughed, we were silly and giggling girls ... all of us ... from 40 years to 83 years ... girls at heart.

I shared about you and how impressive I have found you. I told them you said hi.

Yes Chicago, I am breaking my own rule and including you in my life even though I haven't met you yet. And the cliche is, it feels like I have known you for ages. And it feels like you are teaching me something important around what it means to be a man of integrity.

Ha! Back to that trust piece around men again.

I told him to approach me as you would a skittish colt. He said I'm a city boy. I don't know anything about horses. Then he Googled it. He may or may not even bring some apples to the airport when we first meet. Dear Chicago, you are adorable! Don't bring apples. I won't bite since it would ruin my lipstick.

And so my dear Buns as I sign off, I think of you as your excitement keeps growing in anticipation of your connection once again with The Robert.

Bon chance mon ami. I know no matter what happens it will be real and you will shine, cause that's just who you are.

An Act of Unflinching Fearlessness

I am in! I will be your flinching buster as I hope you will be mine. Whenever you see me playing small call me on that too, OK? The only obstacles to magnificence and adventure are inside our heads and I commit to flushing them out.

I want to tell you my soul sister's story.

When I knew her many years ago, she was a wild child, a free spirit without a home, a rebel with many causes, exuberant fashion sense and a creative bent that while brilliant also left her feeling alone and dissatisfied with life....with herself.

She struggled with love... being loved, giving love, knowing love. She had a marriage that ended, two girls she raised on her own and lots of challenge and pain.

Finding spirit she found herself and long story short she blossomed into a woman of substance and faith. In her words, she said she decided after years of unravelling herself in therapy to learn to commit to one important lesson.... keeping her heart soft when it felt like closing. So similar. Perhaps women are being called everywhere to this task and in doing so will regain a sacred knowing of our deepest femininity and power.

Back to her story.

As she committed to this path she was internet dating. She wasn't on long before she received a nudge. Its like a wink but without text. Like fishing without a worm and most women don't respond. If a man can't write an email introducing himself properly its like a flag that they can't be bothered to step up and won't actually know how to lead.

And really, it doesn't matter how successful and independent we are don't we all love a man confident enough to lead.

This time she checked him out. He was cute and she decided to respond. Just as she was writing him his email to her came in. They meet at Starbucks, the internet daters salon of choice and she knows there is something...not sure what, but something.

And so it begins... the relationship, an often intense learning ground delivered by a very creative teacher. They are on again, off again. She remains steadfast and committed to keeping her heart open no matter what....he is wavering, afraid of commitment, unsure if this is the one.

Like in a storm she stands in her openheartedness accepting whatever his choice is, feeling her pain yet rather than blaming him for it using that intensity of feeling to propell her into knowing herself and living her life full out.

The more she keeps the focus on what she is doing, thinking, feeling inside herself, the more he returns questioning himself and yearning for her.

Finally this last go round of breaking up and getting back together he asks her to marry him. She hesitates.

One day he feels he has the flu, thinks he has caught a bug. She is alone at home wishing he would call, determined not to call him first....giving him space.

He is alone at home getting sicker and sicker.

When they finally get him to the hospital he is diagnosed with flesh eating disease.

WHAT! The words ring total terror in my heart. I can't even imagine the depth of anguish they had to go through.

Time was of the essence. They needed to sedate him and moved to surgery to remove his limbs. Flesh eating disease is caught from the same bacteria that gives people strep, the same bacteria can be eradicated with antibiotics in some and in others like this case becomes life threatening.

He had no idea.

He woke up 3 weeks later from sedation still thinking he had had the flu. They had to tell him more than once that his leg was amputated from the hip down on one side, from below the knee on the other, his fingers on one hand and his entire forearm and hand on the other.

They were worried he wouldn't survive.

She stayed by his side, in prayer and playing this song over and over.

When he awoke it was the only thing he remembered...this song...her love.

It's been 6 months. He is using a prosthetic and has taken his first steps. An athlete before all this he remains full of life force and spirit. They are planning their wedding ... bound in a love that is of the soul....a sharing of essence.

I met him this morning on Skype, funny, smart, irreverent, cracking jokes and teasing his woman. Talk about unflinching. I am inspired by these two, inspired and a little awed by their blind trust in love and each other.

The wedding is this June at a little vineyard in Ontario.

In this moment I am grateful for my life and the people in it, for you my friend, for new possibilities and for the grace of living life without flinching.