An homage to Elias Amidon. And Duncan too.

This year has really been my year to declutter, reorganize, simplify, and just make life more honest and clean. It started with cleaning out my garage and I had no idea where it would lead me… I quickly began to realize that it isn’t just about releasing the stuff I had put away for a rainy day, or the clothes that I never would wear again, or my receipts from the early 1980s. I led me to look at what needed to be cleared out of the far reaches of my mind.  You know… those little niggling things that you don’t realize are there, but at the same time, you know they are taking up space.

One of those pieces was around the eulogy I gave at my son Duncan’s Celebration of Life. Here I am over seven years later, and I still regretted that I hadn’t given credit to the man who wrote the poem that I read that day. His words gave such comfort to me, and I had searched high and low on the internet to find them again, to find his name, so I could at least silently thank him.

And then, lo and behold, I was asked last week to send my favourite poem to a friend who was collecting poetry and I knew I wanted to find this one. It had never occurred to me that I might have, way back then, emailed myself with the gist of what I wanted to say at his service. My meditation teacher had sent the poem to me… why didn’t I ask her for it?  She would have known his name… I went back to my January 2008 emails and I found a rough draft and there was the poem. And the poet’s name. I now could thank him publicly for the comfort and understanding he gave me.  That’s what I’m doing here…

Thank you Elias for your incredible ability to articulate what it most surely was like for Duncan. I am humbled by your words and full of gratitude for what you helped me understand and express that day.

Here is the draft that I found. It is not in its entirety but I wanted to give Elias’ beautiful words some context, should he ever happen upon this post.

No one knows how long we are going to be here.  Certainly Al, Sean, and I, and of course all of you had no idea how short Duncan’s life was to be. Often when someone dies, we regret not having said I love you enough times.  We regret not having said I’m sorry for something we had done.  We regret not doing more things together.  If I were to let myself succumb to those kinds of thoughts and feelings, Duncan’s passing would have been for nothing and I wouldn’t have been able to bear it.  Instead, I have been able to draw on the love from my son Sean, Al and his family, my family, and all of you.  And Duncan.

If I were to try and tell you all the highlights of Duncan’s life, we would be here for hours.  Instead, I want to tell you about some of the things that happened during the last month of his life.  He visited practically all his relatives back East at Christmas.  He had a ski day with his dad.  The last time I saw him in person, Al, Sean, and I all played music with him.  It was the first time that had happened.  He even sang in front of me.  Something he said he could never do.  The day before he died, he skied with Sean and friends.  Then he went to work for a while (and we all know how much he loved his work), and then off to a party with many of his close friends.  He came home and went to sleep.  I’d like to read a poem that helps me understand what happened next.

You waited until you were alone.

Death is a private thing.

You knew your last act was to a different audience.

As it entered you – oh how you must have danced!

Curving toward God, elegant, and alone.

Dear one, what is it like?

Tell us!  What is death?

Birth, you say, your voice swathed in wings.

I am born in the endless beginning, I am not.  I am.

You start turning into us, we who love you.

You weep in our sadness, you laugh when we do,

You greet each moment fresh, when we do.

So may your gift of loving enter our own and be with us that way, forever.

We are all grieving the loss of our beautiful Duncan.   But I don’t believe that I will never see him again.  I have already seen him.  Have you noticed…

And then I went on to talk about the amount of snow that had fallen since he had passed (Duncan was an avid skier) and I then followed my impulse to sing Amazing Grace to my boy. It was like I sang him to sleep. I cannot tell you how real and completely immersed in the “peace that surpasses all understanding” I was in that moment.

Thank you Elias. Thank you Duncan. You have both helped me open up space for the wonder that is yet to come.

Branded by gratitude,

Authentically yours,

Buns

P.S.  This song needs no introduction. It simply is...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE

Pack your bags, honey...

… we’re going on a guilt trip. Yes.  I do feel a tad guilty for taking so long to update you on the life and times of Buns for the past four months. Marty has been very patient (thank you) and I appreciate her posting a couple of installments to keep our blog alive and kicking.

I couldn’t believe it when I looked to see how long it had been since I last wrote.  What the hell have I been up to?  Well, lots.

Since October 25^th, I have spent time in Ontario with my family, Calgary with my son and daughter-in-law over Christmas, Palm Springs for a few days for work (somebody’s gotta do it), performed almost every week with my lovely songbird friends Karen and sometimes Tammy, read some great books for my book club, and have been able to make time for my meditation practice in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m missing out on something when I’m doing it (which was not always the case for me). On top of that, I have entered into a healthy aging competition where it is uber important to exercise, eat well, and feel lively and young(ish) while I go about my day.  Every day. Being a Gemini, it is a challenge for me to stick to a routine but I’m getting better and better at it each week.

What I am noticing is a big shift in how my life is unfolding.  Part of the regimen involves my not arguing with what needs to be done in a day.  Instead, I move through my tasks with less resistance and more gratitude that I actually have a reasonable body to work with, and a hunger to feed my spirit with quiet time, and an interest in living my best life out loud and truthfully.  

I also have to admit that while I thought about writing, I kept thinking that what I had to say might be boring.  And then I realized that for some of you it might actually be inspiring.  Even if this helps one person get that they can make significant changes regardless of their age, then this will have been worth it. Apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Shi(f)t happens.  It really does.  The fallout from my determination to make changes has been quite amazing.  I have attracted attention to my intuitive reading practice (without advertising), I have reached a stepping stone in my business where I spoke in front of a large room full of people about my aging process, I am having much more meaningful and truthful conversations without fear, and am generally feeling like a new woman. Not bad for a sexagenarian! (Love the ’60s!)

And, yes, I have a love interest who, at this point, would prefer to remain anonymous here. I have to respect that.  Suffice it to say that we are enjoying each other’s company immensely and I am learning how to be more open and transparent in each moment without attachment to outcome.  I love that he supports my desire to be real and authentic.

So where to from here? Well, now that I have a Gemini-friendly routine that I quite enjoy, I will write more often.  I will stay on course without trepidation (and where I quiver, I’ll fess up!).  I will have each moment to the fullest, regardless of content.

Have I said I love my life?  For those of you who inspire me, I thank you.  Some of you know who you are. Some of you don’t.  I will bookmark that last sentence for a future installment. 

With guilt-free love,

Buns.

PS 1: This is absolutely my favourite song to sing… You wouldn’t believe how I can belt this one out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhIXcHPF-Zo

PS 2: My girls.  http://www.reverbnation.com/fowlmouthmcphee

PS 3: How I am supporting my healthy aging!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PzIxCQ28wM

BEYOND

Yes it has been a while since our last installment. No excuses, we let living be the priority.  

 It wasn’t until our recent rendezvous at my favorite Vancouver haunt Café Medina http://www.medinacafe.com/

that I agreed to double post while Buns flies off to Palm Springs. How come when we are together synchronisity seems to bubble up in the most delightful ways?

Buns was diving into her mashed avocado on grilled focaccia with egg and Medina bacon in an apple gastrique, while I, waving my fork madly with passionate articulation was explaining the three stages of relationship.

First stage, think roles and defensive boxes. Participants are fighting to be right and blaming their partner for whatever they feel. 

Second stage, equality and democratic distribution of power. Most people live here and consider it fortunate if they do. No nasty arguments or the ones that occur are settled with civility and mutual respect. Negotiations are fair and consider both people. Compromise is handled graciously and with tact. 

So who wouldn’t want that? Well if you are one of the mad fools who are called to explore beyond the known, who want to live at your edge and invite spirit into your ménage a trois, then the third stage is calling.

The third stage relationship involves using every upset as an opportunity to evolve and stretch. You are both radically honest and transparent about everything. Instead of compromise there is agreement to a structure to work into one’s personal reactivity and keep the focus of exploration on self. That means that talking about content isn’t even relevant until the original wound that sits under the reactivity is explored. 

You don’t avoid wounds in this stage, you invite them, knowing they are not real. You feel them, go way back into their origin  and most importantly uncover what you made up about yourself or the world way back then with your child eyes and child brain. Then you can correct the past faulty belief that is still playing out in your current relationship. 

Why? Why go through all this?  In one simple word…intimacy. The depth of intimacy ( into…me…see) that is experienced when you return whole and raw to your lovers arms is beyond description. This is the alchemical marriage of masculine and feminine, self with other, self with self.

Instead of avoiding upset, swallowing feelings or even just getting over them, you invite them as threads to follow, back home to yourself.

I was at the point of saying how juiced I am at having this level of depth in my future relationship when the room erupted with the opening bars of a song that has always roused my school girl heart into fantasy. I know it’s cliché and so old fashioned romantic, but as soon as I hear it I start to sing. 

As Buns joined in with her beautiful voice, her steadiness of pure harmony, we belted out a few verses, in the middle of the restaurant. Self-consciousness wasn’t on the menu.

http://www.wat.tv/video/dixie-cups-chapel-of-love-npfs_2ey2h_.html

 It felt like a sign. A song that is the essence of romantic fantasy pops up just as I am swearing allegiance to a third stage relationship and it’s need for radical honesty. Thanks universe. I hear you and no I won’t settle. I want my future partner to look in my eyes and think...there is no lie in her fire.

So what’s a girl to do until that brave partner in exploration appears? 

Well...practice. Luckly the skill set needed for this kind of evolution can be developed with anyone who is willing to fly into themselves and I have a new friend who is very comfortable flying into the flames. 

Phoenix into the ashes…here we go again.

Branded by the unknown,

Authentically yours,

Marty

Super Broads

It is as clear as the twinkle in the eyes of a bride that I am married to creativity. When I recall moments etched in bliss, I am always in tune with the mystery of the creative force. And my bridegroom has been very enticing lately, adding deadlines to the mix and heightening the intensity of the creative experience.

I am working on a project called Super Broads. It’s about four aging, female super heroes who are struggling with their declining powers. They come face to face with who they are, beyond the roles they play and answer the existential question…Who am I?  

While the costumes will have a comic book flair, the examination of identity will have depth and meaning, played deadpan and straight, yet in the guise of a Super hero’s romp.

 My co-creator Frances Flanagan delightfully keeps the laughs a plenty and our biggest issue is remembering the brilliant idea we just had. Literally if we don’t write it down immediately, it’s gone.  Alas, those declining powers. 

We are submitting the project to a film completion called Crazy 8’s.  The rules of the project make it all the more exciting. You have 8 days to create an 8 minute short film. The budget is almost nonexistent, although support with equipment, casting and post production facilities is plentiful.

We are so lucky to have Shona Miko Musgrave on board. Not only is she an award winning director and producer, she is a Super Broad herself.  Her powers include a technical understanding of the visual effects so important in this genre of story, as well as the many nuances of film production. Oh so happy for this addition to our ménage a trois. We will meet with our director this week and soon become four. I love how making a film feels like creating a new family every time.

 I’m dying to share more but perhaps the names of our characters will give you a snapshot. We are busting open the stereotypes around aging and all of our broads are over 50. There is Electrica aka Sparky with her power of Illuminating Truth, Storm Blue who manipulates the waters of the world, Honey Lips with the power of Seduction and Shifter the transformer of the group.  Guess who I am playing!

We hope the ‘aha’ moments in the film will resonate as much for our audience as they do for our super heroes.  The realization that the only battle worth fighting is the fight that is inside you, invites a new perspective.  Understanding that things don’t happen TO you, they happen FOR you and the next adventure is always a destination that generates joy, is like a stepping stone into change and reinvention. 

We don’t get to go through life without being poked and prodded by challenges but what makes the difference between the journey being expansive and growth promoting or contracting and fear based, is one’s attitude and willingness to drop ones mask and get real. To risk letting go of identification as the role one plays and rather dance emotionally naked into the present moment may be scary but invites a kind of juiciness not found in safe boxes.  Now, I said emotionally, not necessarily physically, for those of you thinking, what the f__ck is she advocating now.   Although of course you could do that too! 

Electrica has a Tiara that shoots light from its third eye. She also had a Mirror of Truth, that she uses regularly. Guess what…so do you.  When you hold up your mirror and look at your reflection, what do you see?  

If you are a Super Broad, authenticity and radical honesty is the only language you are willing to speak. There is only one answer.  It’s a collective one, appropriate for all women, everywhere.

BEAUTIFUL.

Branded by the Truth,

Authentically Yours,

Marty