Message in a Bottle

 

 What a week! It felt like being hit with a tsunami of feeling so intense that fighting it was not an option. I had to learn to surf.

In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.” And jump into the watery depths of my emotions I did. While I always advocate going with whatever one is feeling, breathing into what arises and letting go, this time was different. Once I had dropped into myself fully I let my feelings be the priority and made space to completely express. I rode the feelings whenever they came up and dissolved with what I can only imagine the pleasure of surfing might feel like. One glorious wave after another, I rode epic fluctuations sometimes with fear, sometimes in agony, but always open and trusting. I accepted myself completely in the process and so the invitation to feel deepened even more.

The trigger was Buns relationship spring cleaning which included dissolving a business partnership that I thought we were both committed to. For Buns it felt like freedom once she moved past the discomfort of telling me. For me it felt like a loss of a dream. And yet I didn’t spend much time with the trigger. I chose to stay inside myself, riding the present moment and its emotional undulations. I gave up management. I let go.

 A girlfriend appeared at my door who I hadn’t seen in years and in the midst of catching up she said she has been sad since October. I said I am sad right now. It seemed the most nature thing in the world to hold each other in this place of acceptance and just cry.

Why are we so afraid of deep intense feelings? Why do we need to create stories about the feelings as if to justify or explain them? The bliss of this experience for me was the completely non judgmental contact of heart to heart depth with another human being.

My sleep after that gentle exchange was deep. My body’s communication was complete. I woke to find the waves had crested and subsided. I had cried myself out. Or perhaps IN.  It felt like I had cried myself into The Gap. I inhaled the stillness…the relief…the space. Joy started to bubble to the surface and I took a rich cleansing breath stretching into what felt like infinity. It was like waking up to sunshine and crisp air after a turbulent storm. And the space, oh the wonderful space both inside and out. A sense of possibility wrapped itself around me like the arms of a mother. My body felt new, my connection with the world powerful and my capacity for creativity increased. The melodramatic woe was gone as if a distant memory. If infants can cry themselves to sleep, I cried myself awake.

I believe bringing my messy unpredictable feelings to The Gap, especially in my daily meditations is what granted me a sabbatical from sadness and doubt and invited synchronicity to my door. I don’t have to aim my arrow at peace. In the stillness I am peace and I feel the beauty of this moment fully. And since that is where the juice of creation is, the universe decides to talk to me directly.

I check my phone messages. “Hi,” says a male voice. “My name is Guillaume and I was out in my boat today at Lasqueti Island and guess what I found… your message in a bottle.”

WHAT!!!!

As we moved into 2013 Buns and I did a New Years Eve ritual writing out individual visions for romance and sealing them into bottles. In the dark we threw our declaration out to the sea, surrendering desire to fate. Just a tad risky, right? I had included my phone number.

 We had a few hysterical moments laughing, picturing the bottles never making it out to sea but rather sweeping right back to shore and being found by a beachcombing local who would know us. We saw the headlines in the local community paper and howled about the potential embarrassment.

And now the universe sends me Guillaume. He says it is my destiny to come and visit his isolated magical island. I had never even heard of it. I find out it’s off the coast of Vancouver Island, not far from Texada. The idea starts to move through me and I feel the rippling of a new adventure.

 I am in no rush. I think the weather needs to warm up and I need to get good hiking boots. I Google Lasqueti Island and see that much of the population are artists and healers, grow their own food and live in cob houses. It will be like going around full circle since I had attempted this way of life in Prince Edward Island in my 20’s. No electricity, no mirrors and a herd of goats were going to be my panacea for the urban jungle of Toronto that had ceased to resonate for me. Perhaps it’s time to reclaim some more of my wildness in the wilderness.

Thanks universe. I am listening and learning once again that figuring it all out is NOT where my safety lies.

 Co-creation, my greatest desire is alive and well and always accessible in The Gap. Allowing, acceptance and trust that the universe always had my back, seems to be the highway to get there.

Branded by spaciousness,

Authentically yours,

Marty