Sunday, December 29, 2013

My new bestie.

It’s the post-Christmas week and I am in a state of gratitude for all the kindnesses extended, the meals proffered, the gifts thoughtfully chosen, and the extra couple of pounds I packed on due to a spate of delicious baking that kept being replenished in front of me. Yes.  It’s true.  I am grateful for those extra pounds.  They’ve caused me to take a look at myself in an entirely different way – as has my recent participation in Throwback Thursday on Facebook as well as a hilarious comment that both Marty and I made at exactly the same time while enjoying a lovely dinner last week – when deciding if we were going to use the pool during our upcoming trip to Dallas, we both said – at exactly the same time – not me!  I’m too fat!

Yikes.  That was a mean thing to say to myself.  Would I ever say that to anyone else? To be honest, I should be grateful to have maintained a physique that many women my age would be happy to have. And then, I posted a picture of myself on Faceplant – I think I was about 22 in the photo – and I had a huge response to it with words like “you’re just as beautiful now as you were then” and other comments like that. Well here’s the thing… I thought I was so ugly back then.  And when I looked at my picture, I actually felt horrible for treating myself with such disdain and judgment in those days.  And I realized that I still do it as a matter of habit.  I looked at a few more pictures from that era and saw a beautiful little face, with a huge beaming smile, love of life sparkling from my eyes, and I couldn’t believe that she was me! I felt I needed to apologize to her for my contempt.

Well, here it is a few decades later, and I recognize that I’ve always been my own worst enemy in that regard. And part of my quest for a partner has been anchored in wanting to have someone by my side as if to say “she’s worthy enough, beautiful enough, good enough” to be in a relationship with someone.

What utter hogwash. I can’t believe I’ve subscribed to that notion for so long.  I have a ways to go with this, but now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I catch myself whenever some disparaging thought bubbles to the surface and I replace it with thoughts of appreciation for me – my new best friend.

And then there’s the looming New Year (and New Moon on the same night!) when the best-laid intentions are struck. Resolutions from my past were pretty typical (exercise more often, meditate every day, practice my guitar, read more, drink less, blah, blah, blah) and also coming from a “if I do this, things will get better” place. (That’s code for “someone will ask me out on a date if I do everything right.”) I’m going to change that up a bit this year.  What if I were to just notice when I’m being contemptuous or judgmental of myself, and take a moment.  Ask myself if this is true and in present time.  Be kind, and treat myself as I would any dear friend.  I’m pretty sure this will have a far greater impact on my life than struggling to maintain promises that are made for the wrong reasons.

Someone will ask me out.  Or they won’t.  But it won’t be because of 5 extra pounds or because I didn’t maintain my resolutions.  It actually doesn’t matter as much as it used to.  And it doesn’t mean what I used to think it meant.  And besides, I have a new best friend and she’s lovely.

Branded by friendship,

Love Buns.

P.S.  Here’s a cute one for you…

1 comment:

  1. You are a very fine writer. I may have to begin at the beginning!
    Love Ted