It’s the post-Christmas week and I am in a state of
gratitude for all the kindnesses extended, the meals proffered, the gifts
thoughtfully chosen, and the extra couple of pounds I packed on due to a spate
of delicious baking that kept being replenished in front of me. Yes. It’s true.
I am grateful for those extra pounds.
They’ve caused me to take a look at myself in an entirely different way
– as has my recent participation in Throwback Thursday on Facebook as well as a
hilarious comment that both Marty and I made at exactly the same time while
enjoying a lovely dinner last week – when deciding if we were going to use the
pool during our upcoming trip to Dallas, we both said – at exactly the same
time – not me! I’m too fat!
Yikes. That was a
mean thing to say to myself. Would I
ever say that to anyone else? To be honest, I should be grateful to have
maintained a physique that many women my age would be happy to have. And then,
I posted a picture of myself on Faceplant – I think I was about 22 in the photo
– and I had a huge response to it with words like “you’re just as beautiful now
as you were then” and other comments like that. Well here’s the thing… I
thought I was so ugly back then. And
when I looked at my picture, I actually felt horrible for treating myself with
such disdain and judgment in those days.
And I realized that I still do it as a matter of habit. I looked at a few more pictures from that era
and saw a beautiful little face, with a huge beaming smile, love of life sparkling
from my eyes, and I couldn’t believe that she was me! I felt I needed to
apologize to her for my contempt.
Well, here it is a few decades later, and I recognize that I’ve
always been my own worst enemy in that regard. And part of my quest for a
partner has been anchored in wanting to have someone by my side as if to say
“she’s worthy enough, beautiful enough, good enough” to be in a relationship
with someone.
What utter hogwash. I can’t believe I’ve subscribed to that
notion for so long. I have a ways to go
with this, but now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I catch myself
whenever some disparaging thought bubbles to the surface and I replace it with
thoughts of appreciation for me – my new best friend.
And then there’s the looming New Year (and New Moon on the
same night!) when the best-laid intentions are struck. Resolutions from my past
were pretty typical (exercise more often, meditate every day, practice my
guitar, read more, drink less, blah, blah, blah) and also coming from a “if I
do this, things will get better” place. (That’s code for “someone will ask me
out on a date if I do everything right.”) I’m going to change that up a bit
this year. What if I were to just notice
when I’m being contemptuous or judgmental of myself, and take a moment. Ask myself if this is true and in present
time. Be kind, and treat myself as I
would any dear friend. I’m pretty sure
this will have a far greater impact on my life than struggling to maintain
promises that are made for the wrong reasons.
Someone will ask me out.
Or they won’t. But it won’t be
because of 5 extra pounds or because I didn’t maintain my resolutions. It actually doesn’t matter as much as it used
to. And it doesn’t mean what I used to
think it meant. And besides, I have a
new best friend and she’s lovely.
Branded by friendship,
Love Buns.
P.S. Here’s a cute
one for you… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye7PIyIcCro
You are a very fine writer. I may have to begin at the beginning!
ReplyDeleteLove Ted