Falling Uphill

My spark keeps wavering. Like a Bunsen burner it flares, I feel ME and then just as suddenly it dampens. I wonder what the heck this means. And I get nowhere. Like Sisyphus I long to get that boulder up to the top of my mountain and often experience the journey as a few days rolling up and then down it goes. Unlike the Greek myth I do not feel I am being punished by Zeus for being deceitful but there may be an element of blindness that keeps the process in motion.

I don’t really know what the rock represents. What am I rolling up this mountain? What the hell is the mountain? Who says I have to go uphill?  In not knowing am I deceiving myself?

Here is what I do know…the sensation.

This wavering pulse of energy when flowing bright is like radiant life force. I feel hopeful and full of possibility. Life is delightful and humorous with many random synchronistic punctuations. And just as suddenly I wake up immersed in a cloudy weight of meaninglessness. And like Sisyphus I am trying to regain lost ground, rolling that damn rock back up that mountain. Maybe the rock is my old structure, my old identity and I am not meant to roll that old girl uphill.

Could the weight of holding onto something archaic be generating this sensation of bringing me down?

How does one dissolve an identity that has served for years but no longer fits? Wish it was as easy as taking off your constricting clothes after a long day’s work and getting into jammies. Not a whole lot of thinking needed there. The desire for comfort is instinctual. This feels tight…take it off. This feels good…put it on. That’s clear.

 This process I am in the middle of …is not!

So what can I do but pay attention and keep accepting what arises? Ride it out and trust. Hey it’s a bit like being on a train clearly going somewhere but I have no real idea where. I know I can sense the destination though. That feeling that is me when fully in the moment and open as love. Both solid and light, full of bubbling possibility and the pleasure of connection with others and the world. Playtime mixed with purpose. Just like that dive into the stillness of a lake that is so much a part of my primal yearning for peace and freedom.

Surrender Dorothy. That’s what I tell my head so I can land myself back into the now.  Surrender and breathe. Just lean into it and fall.

Ahh….  

Branded by the exhale,

Authentically Yours,

Marty