Honoring Love's Intelligence

I have been bitten by the real estate bug. On some days it’s the warm, foreign, cobble stone streets of an ancient city, kind of bug. On other days it’s the sound of surf and smell of night blooming jasmine that lulls me to deepen my inhale and imagine. And always I am writing and sipping on some local concoction, interacting with the sun.

In all the scenarios there is the element of the unknown, the allure of learning something new, a language that teases my tongue with its rolling complexity, cooking with unique ingredients that might be hanging on a tree outside my window and most importantly relating to people who think in a way that invites stretching with curiosity to truly understand. I am talking about foreign investment.

It’s the same way I view relationship really. The excitement and the challenge are directly linked to the sensation of expanding beyond my comfort zone…whether it’s my views intellectually or my heart emotionally or my body physically. The unknown, which to me is an essential element in living large, holds risks.

Without the risk factor we are living in comfortable boxes of habit and familiarity and while I can adore the sensation of sinking into a cozy arm chair that has held me for years as I read by the fire I also LOVE entering new territory where I am unable to exist in a twilight state, everything about it calls me to be vibrantly awake. I am committed to this state no matter what, using every opportunity, event or struggle to live boldly as love would regardless of whether I am in a foreign land or a relationship. And it seems to only increase the variables if you are joined by other collaborators.

When a co-conspirator joins the dance, the possibilities of new experiences double….triple…quadruple….and so do the challenges. That is where the growth really is, in staying centered in Self and connected to Other, always willing to stretch to understand their reality as much as one’s own. Buns and I enter this playing field frequently.

Even with so much similarity in our perception the electricity can fly. The key is to stay connected long enough so that what the reactivity is really about will arise and as long as you are facing inward it will. Reactivity is truly an inside job, an activation of something that happened in your past. Then sharing that revelation takes you another step into yourself since accountability will always do that.

Now if you are still connected and the other person meets you, receives you...wow…it feels like a kerplunk of the puzzle of deeper Self just drops into place. Feelings arise and we are home, whole and connected at the same time, a little preview of heaven. This lack of separation is the truth of our spiritual nature and we are practicing FEELING it in relationship especially when challenged.

So now let’s enter the arena of masculine and feminine polarity and how very differently those energies call to be honored.

I know I have alluded to it before in my Shall We Dance Post when I talked about the elements of the Tango that inspire me to open to relationship and I am sensing it again in myself…this longing, yearning, desire to NOT be the one in charge. It’s a slippery slope because in truth I am the only one who IS in charge, at least of my inner knowing and feelings and perceptions.

But the longing I refer to is from the most feminine core of me, to trust that a man who is living in his own purpose and with solid direction can open me to love more deeply that I can on my own. This is unknown territory for me and just as in foreign real estate I am drawn to imagining it…inviting it.

My life is full, I don’t NEED someone else to direct it, yet to truly surrender to the flow of the feminine inside me it is essential that I trust the masculine and let go of concern about direction. The river does not analyze the direction of its flow; all that matters is that it is in motion, a current of life force true to its own nature, true to itself.

The idea of placing my trust in another human being and saying I honor that your deepest wisdom will prevail, that you will ensure the direction is in alignment with our purpose and values while I surrender to the sacred water that swirls inside me…well that is still a concept that I have yet to live.

It frightens me as deeply as it calls me. At times I doubt my ability to do this; at times I doubt his ability to lead in a way that is clear, accountable and coming from his deepest core. I know lots of men who are leaders yet they have been taught by society that where they lead must conform to a successful social construct. That’s not what intrigues me.

I am interested in being led to unknown lands that I might not have thought of myself…IN MYSELF. I am not waiting for this in order to flow and inspire, I am fully committed to being the river because it is my true nature yet I know that the solid banks that hold the water, sometimes delicate and meandering, sometimes raging and powerful, are like strong loving arms that embrace me in both my gentle nurturing and my wild woman. And in order to offer this kind of holding, a man must know himself in a deep and meaningful way.

Below is a quote from David Deida, an author and teacher whose focus lands solidly around being true to one’s own nature, as well as letting that core truth guide one’s life and purpose. I love his perspective, and it informs my understanding of men and women. I have yet to surrender to the degree that he encourages a woman to do if she living true to her divine feminine.

I LOVE reading his take on men and how a man of purpose would relate to his woman. Fills me with butterflies of fear and excitement as well as a greater appreciation for true masculine presence. I think every man, young or old needs to read this book…women too since it will help you understand how we contribute to either inspiring or devastating romantic relationship.

From: The Way of the Superior Man

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

“In any given moment, a man’s growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear. He should not be too lazy, happily stagnating in the zone of security and comfort. Nor should he push himself unnecessarily, unable to metabolize his experience. He should lean just slightly beyond the edge of fear and discomfort. Constantly. In everything he does.”

http://www.deida.info/books/way-superior-man

Now this is a man I would trust! This man knows that neither fear nor reactivity is a call to stop, to fight or to flee, but rather a genuine invitation to radical Self inquiry and the challenge of penetrating his woman with Love.

Authentically yours,  Marty

What is this for?

Hey Buns,
Congrats on stepping into those risky exposed places in your relationship with The Robert…or in reality, with yourself. As scary as it can be I applaud your commitment to honesty. You too Robert. Can you hear me clapping? It’s a good sound.

I feel like I have been off the radar for a while now. Not hiding out so much as allowing myself an experience that invites all feelings without the need to change them. Not a problem when the feelings are happiness or joy. I can’t recall a time when I said to myself, I feel so flipping fantastic and full of life, wonder how long this will last. It is much harder to allow when the feelings that arise are grrr…and ouch…do you know what I mean?

I recognize my core nature as joyful and passionate. When I am feeling other, more uncomfortable feelings like helplessness or powerlessness it’s much more difficult to not try to get rid of them in order to return to the state I know and love. This is my challenge, to accept ALL feelings with an equal and welcoming reception. So I have been saying yes to grrr…and yes to ouch….and yes to NOT understanding things or trying to shift them.

The one question that keeps recurring throughout all of these growing pains (which is how I am viewing this period) is how long is long enough? And by the very nature of that question I insinuate that I want a shift and therefore perpetuate the experience. So while I know perfectly well how to change my state in terms of getting busy, getting passionate about a project, having a blast with friends, I am choosing to simply be with this particular state trusting that there is a reason for it, that information will arise in direct correlation to my openness, my surrender to not knowing, to being neutral about being uncomfortable and remaining curious about the whole dance. Yes, this too is a dance and one that my ego finds particularity grueling.

I am trusting that my state will shift and transform on its own if I receive myself here with compassion and grace. And I would not be honest if I did not say that every time I get a glimpse of the Me that I recognize as my Core, every time I feel that joyful essence bubbling up in me, I want to do a happy dance and launch into a refrain of She’s baaaack, like Jack Nicholson entering a room with maniacal glee in The Shining.

So how long is long enough? How long does one allow a feeling state that involves uncomfortable stretching and feelings? You know the answer…as long as it takes. Our egos do not like this. Certainly mine does not!
And as I veto the usual distractions knowing that whatever you avoid or try to get rid of returns with a vengeance, I know that the opening for me is in knowing that there is meaning in ALL experiences if you ask the right question…face the right direction.
By right I mean expansive. Asking ‘why’ questions, like ‘Why is this happening to me?’ is victim energy and it narrows your experience into cause and effect…into a little box. Asking ‘What is this for?’

broadens perception and invites you to find meaning even in pain, even in feelings you would rather not be feeling.

What is this feeling for? What is this experience for? Now of course to open to this question you would have to accept the possibility that there are no good feelings or bad feelings, there are simply feelings.
I will forever be indebted to my Buddhist teacher who I studied with many years ago. She responded to me with the same gentle, loving reception whether I brought her my passionate highs or despondent lows. I didn’t understand it, not at all! I actually judged her as unemotional at first since her demeanor did not change with the material I was presenting.
Then it dawned on me I WAS THE ONE JUDGING AND EVALUATING MY EXPERIENCE, not her. I had boxes for what was good and boxes for what was bad. I began to question where I had learned that one feeling is good and another is bad. I looked at my family system and the rules around different feelings. Which were acceptable, which were not….and I changed the lens on the glasses I was looking at my life through. I began to change my relationship to my feelings. I began to say to myself, who knows if this is good or this is bad?

Feelings simply are part of the human experience…all feelings. They offer information in a language that is not necessarily cognitive. Feeling language is like another channel, no less valuable than thought, simply different. Following feelings brings me to depths I cannot experience solely hearing my minds dictates. Following the threads of feelings into myself brings me to my Authentic Core. And yes that is a journey that I still want to control and sped up. And sometimes it just takes it own sweet time.

To hear and understand the language of the unconscious, of feelings, the approach is not complicated. It may be uncomfortable depending on the feeling yet the approach is always the same. YOU ALLOW. You get your interpretations and evaluations out of the way by centering yourself with breath. Breathing past the noise in one’s head and accepting what is in the PRESENT moment. You breathe into your body and own it, feel it without any need to get rid of or change it. That is surrender. That is acceptance. You accept yourself in the present feeling and it will transform.
No feeling will last forever. The avoidance of feeling however can perpetuate a state of depression…where you become hostage to the continual, vigilant and exhaustive act of numbing out or repressing a feeling. THAT takes all your energy and you end up feeling depressed. It is not natural to control feelings. It is an act learned in childhood, based on a fear of being judged unacceptable and it will zap all your energy. It IS natural to learn to contain feelings inside the body, to have freedom around what you express and share, yet open to feeling everything. That is radically different than controlling or eliminating feelings.

When we behave in a way that suggests our feelings are a problem, we are in essence saying we are a problem, there is something wrong with us and we must change. It’s not the feelings that are problematic, its ones relationship to feeling the feeling! It’s your evaluation of what it means about you.

So here I am, loving the choice to enjoy a latte while I write, a simple pleasure that I relish. I open to trusting that the answer to ‘ what is this for?’ will become clear when it becomes clear. I plan to share that with you soon….or sooner rather than later…or WAIT…WHENEVER…big breath…whenever it IS clear….