Don't Ask Alice!

"I knew who I was this morning, but I have changed so many times since then..."

Perception as you know is one of my favorite topics. A never ending source of eyebrow raising, head shaking wonderment when I try to wrap my head around how people can see the same thing, feel the same energy, or hear the same words and interpret them so differently it’s like they are speaking two different languages.


Last week getting to know an internet interest by phone I was told “You sound so forceful.” Of course in my world I was simply being passionate about a topic near and dear to my heart and I tend to speak with lots of enthusiasm. Then on Wednesday I was appreciated by a man who I was interviewing for a radio show, he said ‘What a lovely interview, thanks for being so gentle.” I know I spoke to him with the same kind of enthusiasm that I tend to lean toward, yet one person experienced me as forceful and the other as gentle. Give me another nibble of that bread Alice.

Needless to say one sentiment warmed my heart, the other raised my hackles.  I think it’s obvious which is which but because I can no longer assume anyone sees the world as I do I will spell it out.
 In being told I am forceful I hear judgment and a dark shadow looms over the comment as if I am emoting some undesirable aspect of the feminine.  Sad but true. If we woman were Amazonian warriors defending home and hearth I suppose being told you were forceful would be a compliment but in our culture it is synonymous with the masculine. He is rather forceful. Not necessarily a bad thing depending on the situation, but she is forceful …yeah…you get the picture. Hearing that makes me bristle and feel hard inside.

Then to contrast, when I hear a male tell me that I am gentle, the first words out of my mouth were ahhhh, how sweet, I say. Thank you for saying that. I feel all girlish and soft, warm and friendly, appreciative and open hearted. So is this me, my makeup, my past conditioning or is it inherent in the comment itself that is being directed toward me?  Is one comment actually inviting defense and the other connection?  Sure feels that way to me.


I do notice that one is an expression solely about me and the focus is ON me, ‘you are forceful’ doesn’t leave room for much more than either yes its true or no its not, agree or disagree, in a felt sense it’s a closed door. The other comment includes the speaker who is experiencing me and it’s clearly positive. It is a comment that says, you make me feel this way, not you ARE this way and I respond to that difference even if it’s only a linguistic one. It feels like a bud unfurling.


So why is this important?  I think I am at a stage where I am learning to discern in a new way which individuals are right to have in my life and which are not. Being a person who knows that upset and conflict is also a call to action and introspection in order to facilitate growth doesn’t help matters. If anything it has kept me involved with people longer than is helpful simply because my criteria for walking away is not as simple as whether an interaction feels good or not. It is far more complex since I won’t walk away from personal evolution. I know the message is coming for my own good and whether I get it with this person or the next, it will not stop until I DO get it. So I hang in thinking, well might as well do the work now.


 But you know what….I am currently wondering if perhaps it doesn’t have to be so complex. If the universe is giving me messages maybe some of them, MOST of them could be good ones, ones that feel lovely and warm and inclusive. Maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard!  I will still use upset to grow and I stay committed to looking at myself when activated but I am no longer sure it has to be as much work as I have made it in the past, or so much struggle. With the fellow who saw me as forceful, it feels hard. Granted the jury is still out since we haven’t met. He did make references to me being like a puffer fish (you know puffed up to look threatening and yet really soft inside) which doesn’t really bode well, but I did find that kind of funny and certainly at times true.

All in all though, I would rather a man simply looked past my defense and knew he could melt me. That kind of confidence is attractive. Not talking about my defense to me but standing firm and clear in action even if I circle around in feeling.  It is the masculine on purpose, unwilling to wither or shrink in the face of the feminine no matter what face it is wearing in its ever changing arsenal of feeling. 

Ahhhh, the longing to be met, to be seen and understood and in equal measure to understand another.

And yes, human, social, evolutionary skill sets are required for the successful and enjoyable execution of this dance. And the dance is not called, ‘you are this’ or ‘you are that’. A man who tells me who I am without me asking is setting themselves up for a whack!  It lights me up and not in a good way.
The dance is also not called ‘give me direction so I can decide if I should take a risk with you.’  A man who is looking for direction from a woman is also setting themselves up for a whack.

Rather,the steps of patient receiving and perceiving, listening and reflecting, curious questions that lead  in a solid and clear direction when I DO offer myself, even if its tentative at first like a soft shy colt…THAT is where you separate the men from the boys. Hint to guys....this does require action from you, a specific invitation to a woman's essence.

Can you imagine if men knew they were being called to confidently lead a woman into this response, to melt any resistance rather than believe it.

And reciprocally, that the feminine is to inspire this kind of desire to lead in a man. I think I am just learning the nuances of that task. How can I inspire a man to lead with certainty and clarity, yes I am playing with that.
But only the man himself can know where he is going, that is something that he hqs had to have wrestled with individually before I enter the scene. He would have to know his path and also how it includes and supports his beloved other, his woman’s healing as well as all those they encounter.

Yup, nobody said I was going for small potatoes! I want the whole enchilada. Ok, too many food groups, must be time for supper. No more Alice confusion, she is after all 10 feet tall!


Happy Happy Sunday ya all, the day of brunches and gratitude and the New York Times.

Authentically Yours,

Marty

Honoring Love's Intelligence

I have been bitten by the real estate bug. On some days it’s the warm, foreign, cobble stone streets of an ancient city, kind of bug. On other days it’s the sound of surf and smell of night blooming jasmine that lulls me to deepen my inhale and imagine. And always I am writing and sipping on some local concoction, interacting with the sun.

In all the scenarios there is the element of the unknown, the allure of learning something new, a language that teases my tongue with its rolling complexity, cooking with unique ingredients that might be hanging on a tree outside my window and most importantly relating to people who think in a way that invites stretching with curiosity to truly understand. I am talking about foreign investment.

It’s the same way I view relationship really. The excitement and the challenge are directly linked to the sensation of expanding beyond my comfort zone…whether it’s my views intellectually or my heart emotionally or my body physically. The unknown, which to me is an essential element in living large, holds risks.

Without the risk factor we are living in comfortable boxes of habit and familiarity and while I can adore the sensation of sinking into a cozy arm chair that has held me for years as I read by the fire I also LOVE entering new territory where I am unable to exist in a twilight state, everything about it calls me to be vibrantly awake. I am committed to this state no matter what, using every opportunity, event or struggle to live boldly as love would regardless of whether I am in a foreign land or a relationship. And it seems to only increase the variables if you are joined by other collaborators.

When a co-conspirator joins the dance, the possibilities of new experiences double….triple…quadruple….and so do the challenges. That is where the growth really is, in staying centered in Self and connected to Other, always willing to stretch to understand their reality as much as one’s own. Buns and I enter this playing field frequently.

Even with so much similarity in our perception the electricity can fly. The key is to stay connected long enough so that what the reactivity is really about will arise and as long as you are facing inward it will. Reactivity is truly an inside job, an activation of something that happened in your past. Then sharing that revelation takes you another step into yourself since accountability will always do that.

Now if you are still connected and the other person meets you, receives you...wow…it feels like a kerplunk of the puzzle of deeper Self just drops into place. Feelings arise and we are home, whole and connected at the same time, a little preview of heaven. This lack of separation is the truth of our spiritual nature and we are practicing FEELING it in relationship especially when challenged.

So now let’s enter the arena of masculine and feminine polarity and how very differently those energies call to be honored.

I know I have alluded to it before in my Shall We Dance Post when I talked about the elements of the Tango that inspire me to open to relationship and I am sensing it again in myself…this longing, yearning, desire to NOT be the one in charge. It’s a slippery slope because in truth I am the only one who IS in charge, at least of my inner knowing and feelings and perceptions.

But the longing I refer to is from the most feminine core of me, to trust that a man who is living in his own purpose and with solid direction can open me to love more deeply that I can on my own. This is unknown territory for me and just as in foreign real estate I am drawn to imagining it…inviting it.

My life is full, I don’t NEED someone else to direct it, yet to truly surrender to the flow of the feminine inside me it is essential that I trust the masculine and let go of concern about direction. The river does not analyze the direction of its flow; all that matters is that it is in motion, a current of life force true to its own nature, true to itself.

The idea of placing my trust in another human being and saying I honor that your deepest wisdom will prevail, that you will ensure the direction is in alignment with our purpose and values while I surrender to the sacred water that swirls inside me…well that is still a concept that I have yet to live.

It frightens me as deeply as it calls me. At times I doubt my ability to do this; at times I doubt his ability to lead in a way that is clear, accountable and coming from his deepest core. I know lots of men who are leaders yet they have been taught by society that where they lead must conform to a successful social construct. That’s not what intrigues me.

I am interested in being led to unknown lands that I might not have thought of myself…IN MYSELF. I am not waiting for this in order to flow and inspire, I am fully committed to being the river because it is my true nature yet I know that the solid banks that hold the water, sometimes delicate and meandering, sometimes raging and powerful, are like strong loving arms that embrace me in both my gentle nurturing and my wild woman. And in order to offer this kind of holding, a man must know himself in a deep and meaningful way.

Below is a quote from David Deida, an author and teacher whose focus lands solidly around being true to one’s own nature, as well as letting that core truth guide one’s life and purpose. I love his perspective, and it informs my understanding of men and women. I have yet to surrender to the degree that he encourages a woman to do if she living true to her divine feminine.

I LOVE reading his take on men and how a man of purpose would relate to his woman. Fills me with butterflies of fear and excitement as well as a greater appreciation for true masculine presence. I think every man, young or old needs to read this book…women too since it will help you understand how we contribute to either inspiring or devastating romantic relationship.

From: The Way of the Superior Man

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

“In any given moment, a man’s growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear. He should not be too lazy, happily stagnating in the zone of security and comfort. Nor should he push himself unnecessarily, unable to metabolize his experience. He should lean just slightly beyond the edge of fear and discomfort. Constantly. In everything he does.”

http://www.deida.info/books/way-superior-man

Now this is a man I would trust! This man knows that neither fear nor reactivity is a call to stop, to fight or to flee, but rather a genuine invitation to radical Self inquiry and the challenge of penetrating his woman with Love.

Authentically yours,  Marty

A Kiss Is Still A Kiss

Chicago sent an email. It said "I think of you... and of that Clark Gable (Rhett Butler) line in Gone With the Wind "you need to be kissed and kissed often"

And I couldn't stop thinking about it. He evokes something in me that is rather 1940's...Chicago does, not Clark. Well alright, so does Clark.

It's this old world thing where men were confident in their ability to sort out any scatteredness in their woman by their sheer presence, by a teasing yet solid expression of their will...by a "I adore you baby, but I won't put up with any of your bull"....by the power of persuasion of a damn fine kiss.

Now here is where it gets personal. I have learned to find safety in understanding, in words, in thought. I am working at unlearning that and tapping into my feminine which is the language of feeling, sensation, beauty and yes...at times can be quite erratic and in motion, its all a part of feminine flow.

To find a man anchored in himself and not only solid enough to allow that flow without taking it personally but to also direct it, channel it, OPEN it INTO LOVE...well that is just plain irresistible ...like an invite to a 50% off sale at Tiffany's. ( WHAT!...yes and equally as rare)

I have known men who tried to shut down the flow, manage it, change it, judge it, run from it or repressit...all that feels like punishment. We know where that game leads. Fight or flight!

I have yet to surrender to a love that balances these two polarities of divine masculine and divine feminine in a way that supports an evolution of consciousness for both involved.

Oh right Marty, you are not asking for much! Can your bar be any higher????

Well here is the thing... she said, talking to herself...oh and maybe I am talking to Chicago too since he asked me recently what my ex would have said was the reason that our relationship did not work out. I believe he would have said "I couldn't meet the bar, it was too high"

Well...here is the thing....its not an arbitrary bar OUTSIDE OF ONESELF. It's not a list of attributes or accomplishments or even desires that are like some goal post off in the distant future. Its not a grab the ball and run with it hoping to score and make a touchdown. My ex played alot of football and I think this is how he saw it when he evaluated his ability at reaching this bar as deficient.

What it is, is a commitment inside oneself to living a certain way...you can decide for yourself what that is, what that bar is...truth, consciousness,forgiveness, radical expansion... you get to decide for yourself.

It requires fortitude and perseverance for sure but running is not necessarily a valuable skill set in this undertaking.

BEING is.

And BEING honest about your flaws of character and any other shadow aspects you discover internally as you shine your light inside yourself is essential.

Accountability without guilt. Honest inventory without self recrimination. Forgiveness without being a door mat.

I cannot help having the wounds I have. I cannot help having the past I have experienced.

I CAN decide to not let that define me NOW.

I can be willing to expose myself and get emotionally naked risking the evaluation and scrutiny of my partner.

And while I may yearn for and hope for acceptance in those tender places of mine, places that were met with reactivity in the past, I can no longer choose to NOT reveal them because they might bring discord or reactivity in my partner.

That's the risk you see.

To reveal oneself in a non-negotiable commitment of honesty, trusting that as necessary as this exposure to the light, to the gaze of anothers eyes is, there is no guarantee that you will be met with acceptance.

Yet you will never know if this person you are considering as a lover, this potential beloved will love you or see you UNLESS you risk showing it all.

If you are strategizing around which parts of yourself are going to be acceptable to the other then even if they do say they love you, you will think...ah but if you really knew me.....

Far better to simply commit to showing all of you and work on keeping the focus inside yourself.

TEACH YOURSELF THAT ALL OF YOU IS ACCEPTABLE, even these flawed human shadow parts, forged out of the desire for belonging in the past to a tribe called your family.

Teach yourself that you may have these thoughts and feelings and wounds but that is NOT who you are at your core.

I have just described my bar.

That bar is my bar for ME.

When my ex would say the bar is too high it insinuates the bar is an external marker that calls for evaluation. I am saying it is an internal compass for navigation, for learning, for making mistakes and expressing forgiveness and tolerance.

And you can't do any of these things if your focus is outside yourself. HOME is inside yourself and you have a right to that experience whether anyone else agrees or understands it.

I long to be met in this commitment by a man who will settle for nothing less from himself, from me...from the relationship but the truth of the extraordinary. For in our essence, in our depth we are truly, one and all, the same. And we are all EXTRAORDINARY.

I sometimes call this journey a menage a trois. You, me and God. Including spirit in a relationship, for me IS nothing less than extraordinary.

No one person would be in charge of the relationship,each has sovereign over their autonomy and individual experience AND we would be guided by shared principles, shared purpose.

I think when we were younger having a family, having children, met this desire for a shared purpose yet as we age there are different stages of development that call to us.

This next evolution evokes a calling to be of service, to give back to the world in some way, to be a wise teacher and help those who may have forgotten the truth of their inner radiance. It is hard to do that if we have not shone a light on all the dark corners of our psyche, illuminated them and proclaimed ourselves free of judgement, free to express AS the love that we all are.

And if you have not travelled to these places inside yourself how will you accept or forgive them in another?

Can you think of a better learning ground then relationship?

When we get close to another we get activated, triggered inside ourselves in ways that do not occur when on our own. The ego wants to blame something outside of oneself for the experience.

So while yes, you can work on yourself and heal your past on your own, the ultimate challenge is to FEEL your reactivity, and rather than blame outside yourself, keep the focus inside. Follow those feelings to their source... to YOUR past.

Those feelings will have a belief like Velcro that they are sticking to and that Velcro which will be about you was created long before you met your partner. Your partner activating it could be seen as a problem or it could be seen as divine intervention. The divine purpose in all this is to be co-horts in healing not in avoiding. That means each one must want to undertake the journey to correcting mistaken beliefs we may be holding that prevent us from living as love. Beliefs that generate contraction when activated. I don't want to be in a relationship that is avoiding this. I want to be in one that says...."BRING IT ON"....."I will stay the course because it is MY course too. Because it leads to the Joy of being fully known.

Keeping focus inside yourself when you are reactive requires dedication, requires strength of will, requires prayer. I want to do this WITH someone who understands the value of this process and the rewards!

Revealing one's dark and tender places, illuminating beliefs that one may be holding that are not necessarily flattering....allowing for that level of vulnerability and trust is a true act of courage. And yet without it we are interacting with pictures of ourselves, presentations that look good. We will never be fulfilled until we can show everything to discover that we are far far greater than these beliefs that originated in our past.

I have had clients say " its too much work" "this isn't fun". "it's too scary". I think that is a choice. How you experience the journey will be based on your perception.

Nothing brings more pleasure than making authentic contact. And to be authentic includes revealing our masks, defenses and guards, revealing those thoughts and strategies that are checking things out to make sure we are ok, making sure our partner is liking what they see.

Imagine letting go of all that and just BEING with another with whatever comes up inside.

Imagine firing your inner critic, you ego censor and just opening up with transparency.

It terrifies me too that you may turn away or judge me if I show you everything AND I no longer have a choice in the matter. I have set my course, my goal is clear. I know on the other side of fear is truth and that feels like heaven.

To sail there requires answering the call for transparency. Step one, set the goal, keep readjusting the sails, checking INSIDE and OFFERING it all to another. That very action keeps me on course.

Then when I am in alignment with my goal what I experience is my wholeness and ability to join fully with another without loss of self.

That is what I call heaven.

TRANSPARENCY to me IS pure pleasure. Returning to a state of love is pleasure.

Its the building of the relationship container with its inherent goals and purpose that calls for fortitude and the brave act of sharing ones fears before you even know if the other person is on board with you.

Your criteria is ensuring that your inside matches your outside in the present moment. You risk losing it all to feel yourself authentically in the presence of another.

After that, if two people build a ship and set their destination...the rest becomes a continued navigation of jointly sailing to an experience that both want with their whole heart and soul.

Authentic connection.

And who says you can't be kissing at the same time. Its the only kind of kissing that I want.