Sunday, November 28, 2010

A Kiss Is Still A Kiss

Chicago sent an email. It said "I think of you... and of that Clark Gable (Rhett Butler) line in Gone With the Wind "you need to be kissed and kissed often"
And I couldn't stop thinking about it. He evokes something in me that is rather 1940's...Chicago does, not Clark. Well alright, so does Clark.

It's this old world thing where men were confident in their ability to sort out any scatteredness in their woman by their sheer presence, by a teasing yet solid expression of their a "I adore you baby, but I won't put up with any of your bull" the power of persuasion of a damn fine kiss.

Now here is where it gets personal. I have learned to find safety in understanding, in words, in thought. I am working at unlearning that and tapping into my feminine which is the language of feeling, sensation, beauty and times can be quite erratic and in motion, its all a part of feminine flow.

To find a man anchored in himself and not only solid enough to allow that flow without taking it personally but to also direct it, channel it, OPEN it INTO LOVE...well that is just plain irresistible an invite to a 50% off sale at Tiffany's. ( WHAT!...yes and equally as rare)

I have known men who tried to shut down the flow, manage it, change it, judge it, run from it or repressit...all that feels like punishment. We know where that game leads. Fight or flight!

I have yet to surrender to a love that balances these two polarities of divine masculine and divine feminine in a way that supports an evolution of consciousness for both involved.

Oh right Marty, you are not asking for much! Can your bar be any higher????

Well here is the thing... she said, talking to herself...oh and maybe I am talking to Chicago too since he asked me recently what my ex would have said was the reason that our relationship did not work out. I believe he would have said "I couldn't meet the bar, it was too high" is the thing....its not an arbitrary bar OUTSIDE OF ONESELF. It's not a list of attributes or accomplishments or even desires that are like some goal post off in the distant future. Its not a grab the ball and run with it hoping to score and make a touchdown. My ex played alot of football and I think this is how he saw it when he evaluated his ability at reaching this bar as deficient.

What it is, is a commitment inside oneself to living a certain can decide for yourself what that is, what that bar is...truth, consciousness,forgiveness, radical expansion... you get to decide for yourself.

It requires fortitude and perseverance for sure but running is not necessarily a valuable skill set in this undertaking.


And BEING honest about your flaws of character and any other shadow aspects you discover internally as you shine your light inside yourself is essential.

Accountability without guilt. Honest inventory without self recrimination. Forgiveness without being a door mat.

I cannot help having the wounds I have. I cannot help having the past I have experienced.

I CAN decide to not let that define me NOW.

I can be willing to expose myself and get emotionally naked risking the evaluation and scrutiny of my partner.

And while I may yearn for and hope for acceptance in those tender places of mine, places that were met with reactivity in the past, I can no longer choose to NOT reveal them because they might bring discord or reactivity in my partner.

That's the risk you see.

To reveal oneself in a non-negotiable commitment of honesty, trusting that as necessary as this exposure to the light, to the gaze of anothers eyes is, there is no guarantee that you will be met with acceptance.

Yet you will never know if this person you are considering as a lover, this potential beloved will love you or see you UNLESS you risk showing it all.

If you are strategizing around which parts of yourself are going to be acceptable to the other then even if they do say they love you, you will think...ah but if you really knew me.....

Far better to simply commit to showing all of you and work on keeping the focus inside yourself.

TEACH YOURSELF THAT ALL OF YOU IS ACCEPTABLE, even these flawed human shadow parts, forged out of the desire for belonging in the past to a tribe called your family.

Teach yourself that you may have these thoughts and feelings and wounds but that is NOT who you are at your core.

I have just described my bar.

That bar is my bar for ME.

When my ex would say the bar is too high it insinuates the bar is an external marker that calls for evaluation. I am saying it is an internal compass for navigation, for learning, for making mistakes and expressing forgiveness and tolerance.

And you can't do any of these things if your focus is outside yourself. HOME is inside yourself and you have a right to that experience whether anyone else agrees or understands it.

I long to be met in this commitment by a man who will settle for nothing less from himself, from me...from the relationship but the truth of the extraordinary. For in our essence, in our depth we are truly, one and all, the same. And we are all EXTRAORDINARY.

I sometimes call this journey a menage a trois. You, me and God. Including spirit in a relationship, for me IS nothing less than extraordinary.

No one person would be in charge of the relationship,each has sovereign over their autonomy and individual experience AND we would be guided by shared principles, shared purpose.

I think when we were younger having a family, having children, met this desire for a shared purpose yet as we age there are different stages of development that call to us.

This next evolution evokes a calling to be of service, to give back to the world in some way, to be a wise teacher and help those who may have forgotten the truth of their inner radiance. It is hard to do that if we have not shone a light on all the dark corners of our psyche, illuminated them and proclaimed ourselves free of judgement, free to express AS the love that we all are.

And if you have not travelled to these places inside yourself how will you accept or forgive them in another?

Can you think of a better learning ground then relationship?

When we get close to another we get activated, triggered inside ourselves in ways that do not occur when on our own. The ego wants to blame something outside of oneself for the experience.

So while yes, you can work on yourself and heal your past on your own, the ultimate challenge is to FEEL your reactivity, and rather than blame outside yourself, keep the focus inside. Follow those feelings to their source... to YOUR past.

Those feelings will have a belief like Velcro that they are sticking to and that Velcro which will be about you was created long before you met your partner. Your partner activating it could be seen as a problem or it could be seen as divine intervention. The divine purpose in all this is to be co-horts in healing not in avoiding. That means each one must want to undertake the journey to correcting mistaken beliefs we may be holding that prevent us from living as love. Beliefs that generate contraction when activated. I don't want to be in a relationship that is avoiding this. I want to be in one that says...."BRING IT ON"....."I will stay the course because it is MY course too. Because it leads to the Joy of being fully known.

Keeping focus inside yourself when you are reactive requires dedication, requires strength of will, requires prayer. I want to do this WITH someone who understands the value of this process and the rewards!

Revealing one's dark and tender places, illuminating beliefs that one may be holding that are not necessarily flattering....allowing for that level of vulnerability and trust is a true act of courage. And yet without it we are interacting with pictures of ourselves, presentations that look good. We will never be fulfilled until we can show everything to discover that we are far far greater than these beliefs that originated in our past.

I have had clients say " its too much work" "this isn't fun". "it's too scary". I think that is a choice. How you experience the journey will be based on your perception.

Nothing brings more pleasure than making authentic contact. And to be authentic includes revealing our masks, defenses and guards, revealing those thoughts and strategies that are checking things out to make sure we are ok, making sure our partner is liking what they see.

Imagine letting go of all that and just BEING with another with whatever comes up inside.

Imagine firing your inner critic, you ego censor and just opening up with transparency.

It terrifies me too that you may turn away or judge me if I show you everything AND I no longer have a choice in the matter. I have set my course, my goal is clear. I know on the other side of fear is truth and that feels like heaven.

To sail there requires answering the call for transparency. Step one, set the goal, keep readjusting the sails, checking INSIDE and OFFERING it all to another. That very action keeps me on course.

Then when I am in alignment with my goal what I experience is my wholeness and ability to join fully with another without loss of self.

That is what I call heaven.

TRANSPARENCY to me IS pure pleasure. Returning to a state of love is pleasure.

Its the building of the relationship container with its inherent goals and purpose that calls for fortitude and the brave act of sharing ones fears before you even know if the other person is on board with you.

Your criteria is ensuring that your inside matches your outside in the present moment. You risk losing it all to feel yourself authentically in the presence of another.

After that, if two people build a ship and set their destination...the rest becomes a continued navigation of jointly sailing to an experience that both want with their whole heart and soul.

Authentic connection.

And who says you can't be kissing at the same time. Its the only kind of kissing that I want.


  1. >>you will think...ah but if you really knew me...

    Oh, so true. Good one, Marty.