Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Liberation

OK. To be authentic in all this I cannot believe I'm writing a blog....... even using the word blog.... really a ridiculous word... blog..... blog.... bllllllooooggggggg...... sounds like I'm throwing up... and blog and I in the same sentence.... well!

OK.....I am over it...... I am no longer a bleeping blogging virgin....

So Buns.... love the excitement your day generated! Love all the signs.

And while you were enjoying the validation from the Universe I was deep in the void with couples all wanting the same thing.......undefended love and intimacy...... and yet all unable to drop their guards and stop defending! Working with couples as a therapist has taught me so much about myself and how to be in healthy relationship.

We are all so afraid of feeling pain it restricts our flow like a boa constrictor. We respond as guards defending against the very thing our hearts yearn for the most...... closeness, contact, depth, and the freedom to be ourselves at the same time. And, we defend in unique and clever ways.

My favourite defense is becoming intellectual and dissecting a topic or issue until I have wrung out of it every last possible opportunity for feeling anything bad...... Sounds reasonable and rational but inside I am defending against a tidal wave of insecurity and inaccurate beliefs all based on my past. Then I project that past onto the present moment and rip myself off from authentic feeling and being available for the contact that I yearn for.

The bottom line..... sending out a defense is like inviting attack.

And I defend against feeling vulnerable by presenting as super high functioning and capable.

Know what I mean?

Takes a lot of energy to make sure you look good. Now that I am consciously stopping that game, NO MATTER WHAT.... now that I am committing to being transparent, NO MATTER WHAT.... I feel a kind of excitement and joy that bubbles up in the weirdest moments.

Today I ordered tea at Starbucks. I asked her what kind they had. When she said Joy, I just about leapt out of my skin.

JOY!, that's what I'll have.... an extra hot, vente cup of JOY... one bag..... oh hell, make it two.....and all the way to the top, I don't add anything to JOY. I drink it straight. Just like my essence!

And that's when the question hit me..... will I be defined by what people see or by the essence of my soul?

No brainer.

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