Saturday, November 20, 2010

Feel the fear

Just read your post. I had already written mine and it seems we are on the same page yet again. I woke up seeing the snow and thinking about Duncan too. I pictured him flying down his mountain. I am glad you cried Buns! It’s so ok to feel and honor him with your heart that way.

And here is what I wrote before I read your post ...

No matter how much I know or understand or want to love fully, authentically and undefended … feelings WILL come up that contradict that desire.

Today I feel the fear deep inside my body -- a spark signaling attention … feel me … get to know me … listen to me … or else ... and there are many of those.

I know enough to tell myself, if my “or else” is in the future, “feel me and get rid of me or he will see your fear and leave you”… or my fear is in the past “it’s going to happen again, you will think everything is ok and then whack, it’s not as it seems” … I know enough to say to myself, I don’t know what this fear MEANS and I don’t have to. I just have to be willing to breathe, one breath at a time and move gently toward it as a sensation in my body.

I am not alone here; the wisdom that is in me and beyond me, supports me. I ask the question, “What is this for?”

I have a houseguest this weekend. I haven’t seen her in over 15 years. She is my ex-husband’s sister but to me she, along with his other sibs, is my soul sister … connected by something richer than blood, larger than circumstance -- love flows like an electrical current between us.

Even without contact that love did not change. She just walked in as I was typing, back from her morning jog and after a hug and a kiss she says, “I was thinking about you, I just want to say that while we both know all the shrink talk of “there are lessons in everything that happens to you”, and “you picked that person for a reason” … I just want to say … I am sorry. I am sorry for what my brother did to you.

I was stunned. As the tears came I realized I had never heard these words and did not know quite what to do with them. When I had discovered my husband of 13 years was living a double life I was already into the consciousness movement and I was determined to use this crashing of the world as I knew it to expand and teach myself grace.
I made many mistakes but mostly I am proud of my actions, proud that I did not talk badly to my son about his dad even though my ex was convinced I was trying deliberately to poison my son’s mind. He really did not know me. And while he would lie often for self preservation to keep his lives compartmentalized he would also lie for no reason. That was the crazy-making one.

So here is his sister, heart full of love offering me a gift I had never received -- I didn’t expect to. Can’t even tell you why it was such a gift. I took a deep breath and simply said thank you.

It’s ok that I have fear I tell myself. And it’s ok to feel it and let it transform, let it move and flow like a wave that crests and peaks and ebbs. Life is risky business. Loving is riskier yet!

I have met a new man ... We met on the internet and he is flying into town soon for our first face to face. There is nothing about this man that is familiar to me in terms of the kind of people I have chosen to be involved with in the past. He has values, he honours women, he cherishes the hearts of those around him, and he is a man of integrity. I don’t have alot of experience with that.

Some of the men I have dated after my marriage wanted to live in integrity but kept telling me it was too much work and they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t commit, they couldn’t handle my feelings, they were not good enough for me, I deserved better.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT ONE? For my part I would try to convince them that they could do whatever they wanted to do ... they were good enough, they were strong, they were wonderful … they were … blah blah ginger ginger … I was therapizing my men, picking men with wounded souls to heal. Leaping around in a spiritual mindset designed unconsciously to keep me from seeing and feeling my own pain! Pain from the past, all feeding my unconscious distrust of the masculine.

So here is this man who, without having read all the new-age self-help books, is confident in himself and who he is and is offering pure connection freely and with joy.

WOW. My head can still fill with nonsense from the past, all kinds of warnings … and yet this time my body is responding. Often excited and other times … yes … afraid … I call it skittish. My body does not have a file for this. Ah that’s it … I don’t have a file for all the wonderful, loving and exciting energy flowing my way. It feels without strings, without expectation and only asking me to TRUST.

I want to, with my whole heart I want to AND I am afraid. Can that be ok? Can they exist together? Can the masculine as a healthy force actually allow for my changeability, my inconsistencies and support me to flow into the feminine without taking every one of my feelings or fear personally.

Can I let go of the need to control and orchestrate? Can I trust?

Big breath and another leap off the cliff … fear or no fear I am standing in being transparent and allowing what is meant to be to unfold.

I am not in charge of all the details!

I set my intention SIGH and jump … again.


  1. Yes it's OK. You are going to have quite the journey, I can see. Hang on for the ride.

  2. Hi Marty,

    You are not alone.....standing at the edge of the cliff .....ready to SIGH and jump. I am there as well. I have met a woman....on the internet. We will meet for the first time in Santa Clara, California next month. I like the word you used....SKITTISH....I am feeling that we will meet and the REALITY will seek in...That the care, the respect, the friendship we have exhibited via phone/email/text will be transferred to true physical chemistry. But my nerves became jittery. You know, scared and nervous. You want it to work out. I mean, no one goes into a relationship HOPING for failure right? She is gorgeous, smart, intelligent, articulate, honest and forthright. I keep saying..."relax, at best she will be the love of my life and at worse, I have a wonderful woman to call my friend for life". WIN-WIN n'est pas? I have had quite the journey getting to the cliff. My wife beloved wife passed away unexpectedly 6 years ago. The love of my best friend. I do believe one can have more than one Soulmate in their life time. You have to believe right?