Thursday, November 25, 2010

Eyes on Freedom

Yes Buns..... I would love to meet The Robert one day, he seems a man of substance and you deserve nothing less. I am sparked by imagining you two at this very moment. I am thinking a romantic dinner, glorious Merlot, candles and maybe some after dinner guitar strumming...yes on the acoustic, no this is NOT a metaphor.

The women in your tribe sound like a force to be expereinced. I am glad they are inspiring you to live full out at this moment. I too see the influence of my mother, not so much in terms of healthy loving relationships but in perseverence, loyalty, strength of will and integrity.

I have to say that while my mom's life contains overcoming obstacles of heroic proportion, scenes of brilliant human bravery set in WW II, untold horrors in the concentration camps and an elegance of spirit all wrapped up in Chanel, Givenche, and Revlon Red lips what she was unable to give me was a model for what a loving man/woman relationship looks like.

How can a woman be herself fully AND still stay connected with a masculine force?

How does interdependence work?

My mom modeled independence and encouraged that in me. I also saw and felt lots of co-dependence especially in my 20's...oh what painful learning curves and angst.

Nowhere did I learn how to be interdependent. Perhaps its study is a subject best suited to older years? Wiser years?

Even as I look around now at relationships I find it hard to see couples who are genuinely encouraging each other to be free while at the same time staying connected. Authentic loving is not co-dependence which screams, "I will do,be, say anything to keep you... nor is it independance which whispers with aloof pride "you do your thing and I'll do mine."

This balance of autonomy and connectedness is so vital to being a healthy happy human being and yet it is also very ellusive.

I see lots of carefully structured relationships woven out of the safety of habit but not many models of a true marriage that values and respects the force for freedom and togetherness equaly.

That in itself is part of my commitment to this path of unraveling and reinventing the wheel around relationships.

My dream is BIG and its foreign, without a road map.

My only consistent comfort is when I breath into the inner compass deep at the center of my core, the place in all of us that just KNOWS it is love and does not have to get it from anyone. Perhaps manouvering the labyrinth of love can only be undertaken from this state of being. Perhaps that is the starting point from which all the rest follows.

Does it feel that way to you Buns?

Does it seem like we are both unwilling to settle for a relationship within a box and so are destined to illuminate, uncover, reveal and revel in the nuances of interdependence with another human being that have no rules to follow?

I am a little envious of Chicago in that he says he has tasted that dish. The dish he refers to is LOVE, true love, a deep dish pizza kind of love where cherishing your partner is not a currency to be deposited at the bank and withdrawn in crumbs to ensure it is never empty, nor an attempt to pacify one's partner with a mask of "everything is ok" when really its not... but rather a foundation that supports and instructs BOTH people to be everything they could possibly be.

INTERDEPENDENCE....yes that is what I want. To be challenged, to grow, to evolve, to learn, to have fun, to dance, to howl in the middle of the night like a banshee because the full moon told me so, to know without a moments hesitation that my lover will always have my back as I have his. Allies, friends, cohorts, creative masterminds enthralled with Truth and pure unbounded expression it comes union with another.

Its big for me.

And it describes my life force.! I am not a leaky facet with tiny trickling drops of yearning. I am a gigantic, glorious, gushing flow of desire.

Even when I feel small and contracted.... and I do and I will again....I can tap into this essential force in me and soothe my ache.

How lovely to be able to share that with someone who is able to open their heart to themselves, others and to me in the same way.

Here is the thing with this Blog. I never quite know what I am going to write in my post. I LOVE that feeling! Truly, experiencing the flow of it all as it unfolds, is blissful.

I want to quit my day job, well OK, I don't want to quit ALL of my careers ( I am currently juggling 4 of them) only drop lets say one of them so I can add being a blog writer as a full time focus.

I am so passionate about what I do because none of my careers were the result of a choice about making money. They truly came up from the inside out, I just kept saying yes, when they appeared and then taking steps to make them happen. I think that's one of the keys to living a fulfilled life.

And now..I say YES to this writing co-adventure with you Buns AND I would love to slooowww down and court myself in a more leisurely fashion, sipping espresso while I write......somewhere tropical perhaps or Italy...France....Barcelona? I have a yen for learning a foreign language. The discombobulation of it all teaches me about living in a new way.

I am signing up for the Adventure Of A Lifetime, and I say this confidently in a life already bursting with breathtaking adventures.

I still think it starts with 'over the top expression', saying it and meaning it.

And then one does whatever is needed to make it happen.

LIVING AS LOVE IN EXOTIC AND EXPANSIVE LOCATIONS...writing, creating, being bold and true!

Are you in Buns?

Are you listening universe?

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