Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year Grace

I think I said a few posts ago that DESIRE TRUMPS FEAR. As a soul carver committed to chiseling away at my armor in order to live authentically, transparently and joyfully it is essential that my desire leads to inspired action. That old adage, talk is cheap is ringing loud this New Years.
Here is how it works. You set a goal…a goal that fills you with fantastic feelings just thinking about it. You act as if it is already true, that you already have what you say you want and that in return invites more of that same experience (since in effect you do already have the ability to experience the state you desire RIGHT NOW). So as Buns has said we rang in our New Year in sensual luxury, in abundance, in friendship and authenticity at The Sorrento, a lovely European feeling boutique hotel reminiscent of an Italian villa.

……minus Chicago. Did I hear a loud groan from the gallery? You should have heard the sounds in my head when he sent a text saying that he had missed his morning flight to Seattle and was on standby.
Buns, The Robert and I had a glorious sunny day at Pike Market in Seattle shopping for prosciutto, cheeses and crusty bread for our evening feast. We chatted with shoppers connecting over olive choices, “stuffed with anchovy or blue cheese?... hell let’s get both”….beautiful wines and many other delectables that fulfilled the whimsy of having whatever we wanted. A fondue set was purchased for dipping fruits in heavenly chocolate and The Robert and I stood in line for homemade mini donuts exploding with chewy warmth as they hit your tongue. I knew we couldn’t wait…rich dark coffee was ordered immediately so the taste testing could begin! I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation for all of life’s pleasures and the sheer joy of good company and laughter…of being so fully alive. The Robert is a funny guy in a dry zinger kind of way. We tried to talk him into buying a hat; he would have none of it although he did insist on trying one on that made him resemble the Mad Hatter from Alice. Most importantly though The Robert is kind, that quality is foremost and was so appreciated especially as the reality that Chicago was not getting on flight after standby flight.

Finally the text came that Chicago had given up, I had still held out hope having cast him in some Errol Flynn role where no obstacle would have stopped him from his intended arrival….and now it was done.

That was my choice point, the moment of decision, inspired action or let Chicago’s choices impact and derail me? Do I stay true and connected to my own desire and light or believe I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole of confusion. It was the Eve of a New Year…I chose to do a Grace Kelly. I use the words ‘Grace Kelly’ as a verb….to act with grace, authentic soft vulnerability, healthy pride and an eye on the positive, taking the high road whenever presented with obstacles.
I headed for the bath. Water is always my first line of response whenever I feel overwhelmed. I need to get clear and soaking in a huge old world bathroom surrounded by pristine snow white marble, sipping Pellegrino is a Grace Kelly way of doing it. I pulled my energy back into myself and grounded…then I dressed up. See that’s the inspired action part, what you do IS important. You can have all the greatest desires or intentions and if your actions are not in alignment with them nothing will shift or materialize. My actions were in line with my commitment, my values of joy and fun and while I did not understand what all this chaos with Chicago was for I trusted that if I stayed true to myself the information would become clear.

So I donned my tiara (no for real, not metaphoric) wearing a tiara reminds me of celebration. I put on my most sparkly bling, adorned myself with the love and care I so desired.
Then we set decked the room with scented candles, red sheer cloth and bouquets of white tulips. Rocks we had bought earlier from an artist at the market completed the tableau, my favorite read Carpe Noctem (seize the night) AND SO WE DID. The Robert and Buns and I laughed and cried and flowed, as did the music and wine. Ok, disclaimer… the Robert did NOT cry but he did say to me more than a few times when I started to spiral down the rabbit hole ” Snap out of it” His wit was valued. Their generosity of spirit both in receiving me and sharing their love was much appreciated. I felt blessed.
And when midnight rolled around and we had ventured down to the fireside lounge to listen to the 1930’s inspired band Rosie and The Percolators croon Auld Lang Syne I gave thanks for a year gone by of growth and learning and blossoming friendships. I did feel sad for a moment. That song always makes me cry and since we are remembering the past 365 days of the year that actually seems ok to me. Some of the things that transpired were sad.

And this year I invite passion…even more passion. I will continue to take risks, exposing everything that might block my heart from feeling the warmth of the love that is ever present. I will have lots of Grace Kelly moments.

As for dating, and Chicago ...

I have asked for what I needed…the ball is in his court, the challenge is his to step up and demonstrate actions in alignment with his professed values…or not. I only know that waiting is not what I am here to do. I will live this year in passionate connection in each moment, with myself, with my friends, with work and with each human encounter that presents itself. I keep on saying YES. BRING IT!

And to all of you…..From Buns and Marty we wish you a Graceful, Shiny, Bold and Bedazzled 2011.

Newsflash: The Be-dazzler IS making a comeback.

1 comment:

  1. Your post brought me to tears and you are such an inspiration to all of us who have lost ourselves momentarily in our yearning for intimacy.
    You will have that partner who will show up and fight for you, maybe not Errol Flynn because we all know that he was a player. Maybe by calling forth Errol, Mr Chicago morphed into him. What we do know is that Mr Chicago has had two chances to meet all of your beauty and has missed the boat. Not a great footing for the beginning of a relationship. My gut says move on and get Erol Flynn out of your head. You will have a relationship with a fearless man who knows who is and is ready to have the adventure of a life with all of YOU!