Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Cry of the Banshee

Well……so it’s not exactly the picture I was envisioning. If you have been following the dance here you may be thinking “I wonder how Marty’s first meeting with the internet love interest, Chicago went?”
Me too… since it didn’t actually go anywhere.

Flashback….nervous, excited, I was planning our days. He was to arrive last Wednesday. I had cleared my work schedule and was picking him up at the airport. Wardrobe was chosen with care since my plan, after a breathless embrace in semi-slow motion to a fitting imaginary soundtrack was to drop off my car in the west end and walk to Granville Island. Translation…no high heels although that would have been my first pick as I imagined fitting into his 6′3″ frame.

After a brisk walk we would take the ferry across to the island and he would be charmed…by the locale, the ambience…by me….sigh….
We would saunter the aisles smiling shyly as we debated over produce that would be the ingredients for our first co-creative venture, cooking together at my place. And since I was having my yearly Orphan Christmas the day after he left he was going to help me decorate the tree.

Marty stands trimming the Christmas tree. Chicago approaches and slowly inhales the back of her neck. Marty shivers, taking a deep breath as she eases back into his arms…

SCREECH….CRRRUNCH ….CRRASH…. that is the sound of sugar plum fairies grinding to a halt. Their tiny squeaky voices screech as the current soundtrack is replaced by something sad and melancholy, Beethoven perhaps, and certainly not Ode To Joy!
WHAT THE….??????
He called on Saturday to say he couldn’t find his passport. I don’t call him Chicago for no reason. He had an international flight booked and no way to get through customs. At first I figured it would turn up but as his dismay grew so did my disbelief. Really? You really are not coming?

Now get that look off your face. I have seen it countless times as I have told my friends about the aborted rendezvous. Yes that look…stop it please!

You know Buns I don’t mean you. You and The Robert were the only ones still believing in the guy.

Once it sunk in that he really wasn’t coming and I let the dream dissolve I also invited in my feelings. Numb at first, my feelings intensified as Chicago distanced or at least so it seemed to me. I was reminded of countless disappointments, countless broken promises, countless hurts and losses where I had waited and hoped and anticipated joy. I am awake enough to know that although he triggered these feelings he is not responsible for any of my past and I welcomed the opportunity to descend into my grief and old wounds.
The intent is always the same, to reclaim any aspects of self I may have cut off from and return to my divine essence.
I went all the way back to a meeting with a four year old child…a little girl, disheveled and cowering, hiding behind a curtain of matted hair and emotional neglect. That was not an accurate visual of me as a child. My mother dressed me like a princess in matching mother/daughter dresses, but inside I hid a dirty unlovable child from her and all those important to me.
That was then. Now as I met this energy I embraced her, shone light around her and held her close in acceptance. Then I proceeded to introduce this inner discovery that in the past would have been buried as something shameful, to Chicago by telephone. I call her Banshee because she is so wild and abandoned.

Now I can hear some of you groaning, I’m sure I can……hold on….I know you must be thinking that this choice to share is hardly champagne at midnight, dancing in the moonlight, caviar on smoked salmon… hardly a romantic mood maker. Perhaps not.
But the truth of the matter is it’s an aspect of me and in order to heal it I am being called to reveal it.
What lives in the dark will grow and fester. What is brought into the light can flourish.
I am simply more committed to being authentic and transparent than I am to any outcome. So I did my healing in front of Chicago.

I felt a push back at first as he was defending himself perhaps mistaking my feelings as meaning something about him but soon enough he asked me what I needed as I did this descent into my past. Patiently and with a surprising degree of strength he anchored himself and listened. He stopped me when I went to fast or too far out and asked questions. At the end I felt received and accepted even if not completely understood.
It was ok. I understood. I knew how big of a risk I was taking AND I knew I was doing it for myself and my deep deep desire to be truly known in relationship with a man.

That’s all I needed.

You may not find that romantic but for me it was more of an aphrodisiac than white roses in a winter bouquet. While still disappointed that he wasn’t with me, I had gotten a huge gift in this activation. Embracing Banshee, I could now grow her up and care for her inside of me.

Now what little girl doesn’t love Christmas. I cranked the music and filled my longing heart with nostalgic renditions of I’ll Be Home For Christmas while I hung crystals on my moody red-berried metal tree. Yes, I am artsy eclectic.

He did find his passport. Too late for this trip.
I am hoping for New Year’s Eve.

My friends will still shake their heads, no doubt until they meet him in the flesh.
I believe they will. They think I am naive.

“And the beat goes on,” (oh damn songs keep getting stuck inside my head and then I have to sing them.)
“Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain….la dee la dee da…” Sonny and Cher?
How is this relevant?

And you Buns, as busy as you are, I salute your unfaltering endless cheerleading for the potential in this relationship with Chicago. I don’t know if you have an intuitive hit around him that is accurate. I do know that you want the best for me.

Everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you.


  1. I wish you all the best Marty! I, too, believe in Chicago, like my sister Buns. Stay positive and cross both your fingers and toes that New Years will happen.

  2. Thanks for being so positive oh sister of Buns. I have heard such great things about you all.
    I don't know what will happen, I do know there is learning in all of it and for that I am grateful.