Thursday, December 23, 2010

Soul Carving

Someone called me their Petzl the other day. What’s a Petzl? Do you mean a pretzel I asked, as in something twisted and high in carbs that you eat? No… PETZL. It is a light you wear on your head that goes with you wherever you go. It got me thinking or maybe feeling…what a nice thing it would be to be someone’s Petzl. And to have a Petzl of my own…well…how perfect. I would love that. Being someone’s Petzl…going with them wherever they go, speaks of inspiration and loyalty and trust…. all values I really like. And light…it speaks of the intensity of light and illumination. Life really makes no sense to me at all without that quality of deep inner knowing that only illumination can bring. Mmmm, I wonder if there are actions or characteristics that can be called upon to evoke a greater possibility of becoming and having a Petzl? I have certainly found that light in myself with consistency and constancy, it has been a little trickier to sustain in relationship. I am excited to learn more about how to do this!

First a Chicago recap since I know some of you want to know our status. Well I have been taking risks left and right in revealing my desires. I am making being brave and vulnerable more important than protecting myself from being hurt. I am admitting that he is important to me, that somehow he has become important after only a few months of communication and without having met in person. Now this has not been my usual M.O…this is not how I roll. While I have always been honest I also act kind of casual, kind of “I am cool with whatever.”…kind of no pressure, no expectations, flexible and well casual…you know. It feels so scary to drop that and dig under it and risk showing I care before I am sure it’s reciprocated. Big stretching for me and it takes my commitment to being transparent to a whole new level.

So on that note, Chicago and I will meet for the first time on New Year’s Eve in Seattle. I am driving down with Buns and The Robert. We will pick him up at the airport and shop Pike Market for yummy ingredients in order to create a fabulous New Years Eve dinner. We are hoping to rent a house for the night with a great kitchen, water views and a fireplace. If you know of one please comment! I envision sipping wine while we talk and laugh and get to know each other in an even deeper way. Please universe help us find the house. Then Buns and The Robert go back to Vancouver and Chicago and I have a day alone together, with, as he puts it, “just us.”

And now back to Petzls… How does it happen? How do you become so much a part of a person or allow them to be a part of you that you never doubt that they have your back, that they want only the best for you and would never behave in a way that is harmful to you…how does that happen?

Socrates used to be a sculptor and he gave it up saying that instead, he was going to “carve his own soul rather than marble. I believe to become someone’s Petzl you would have to do some intensive soul-carving. You would have to uncover the divine essence that is at the center of your being and be willing to share “the good, the bad and the ugly” that at times stands in the way of seeing that light. I really mean it. When you think about showing everything, EVERYTHING, to another human being, especially one you want to like you, does it make you clench and think “not going there”? Join the club.

Yet courage is not doing something and having NO fear, it’s doing something in the middle of your fear. Think about it logically. If you have been holding back, keeping private thoughts and feelings to yourself then even if someone did say you are my Petzl, the light of my heart, you could not believe them. You haven’t shown them your heart, only the cover over it. You have not shown yourself emotionally naked therefore you will doubt their love for you.

Now feel the alternative if you bravely show all, no matter what. You will know they have seen all of you and when they say yes, I open to you, you are the light that goes with me wherever I go, you may still wrestle with your own worth but you will not doubt the sincerity of what they say. I think it’s worth the risk. Without that transparency who is really in relationship anyway? If you are holding back thoughts and feelings, keeping them private then who is showing up for the relationship? A mask or presentation of what a good partner looks like?

I think the first step is to be willing to devote oneself to such transparency that the light of the soul, that can feel blurred when we are strategizing, pierces through and not only are we visible to others but we illuminate our True nature to ourselves. Then from that place comes loving action, choices that consider self and other equally. And hopefully a whole lotta fun!

Once you know your own essence this way then there is your partner’s essence to consider. I am not sure if there is a map for experiencing your partner and tasting their essence without losing yourself or without projecting your past onto the present moment. (Maybe I will create one once I figure it out).
I do know this kind of depth requires a leap of faith.
It calls on the Hero in all of us to open to ourselves and I know it is impossible to do that without coming across some “not so pretty parts of your psyche”.
When you show those parts to another you are in effect saying I accept myself and all my human frailties AND I am something far bigger than that.
I actually AM the light.
It can only start with transparency and having your inside match your outside.
That congruency, being where you are in the present moment and then having the courage to trust that the person you are sharing yourself with is just as committed to soul carving as you are propels the process.
It really is the task of all sentient beings, to uncover our True nature and unique purpose in this lifetime. I believe we are meant to do that in relationship. We all may have different stories and histories yet we also all have wounds and beliefs about ourselves that are not true.
The only way I know to correct those beliefs is jump off the cliff by exposing them to another and see what happens. This faith is the tool set of a soul carver…faith that what you will discover after you leap is Yourself and a divinely human taste of heaven.

Desire trumps fear, sharing the dark brings light and being real invites connection.

Anyway this is what I am doing with Chicago. I am not doing it FOR Chicago, I am doing it because the kind of depth I am interested in calls for Truth as a foundation.
After that…man I have tons to learn. I am hoping Chicago may be the person who will graciously teach me.
Reciprocity in learning is important and one cannot be a good teacher if one is not a good student. I am willing!

In the meantime I will be dreaming of being sleepless in Seattle. How nice that my sugar plum fairies are dancing again. Hearing fairies squeal is not a pretty thing.

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