The chicane and the lotus.

I am writing from the warmth and comfort of my sister’s home in Oakville where we have just celebrated Easter together.  It’s our first gathering since Dad’s passing and I was anxious to see how Mom was faring.  This would have been her 60^th Easter with him were he still here.  I wasn’t sure what to expect but was absolutely thrilled to see her looking very well and full of beans when I arrived. She met me at the door with white furry bunny ears on.  I think she is going to be just fine.

All my siblings were here (there are five of us), and most of our kids, some with their partners, joined in the festivities.  We were never at a loss for words, food, laughs, games, and music. Oh yes, and the little silver sports car.

All of my nieces and nephews are very talented.  The two oldest boys have a zest for life that is inspiring.  They are excellent musicians, run a very successful corporate video production company, and co-own a lovely little Lotus Elise.  When they asked me if I’d like to go the racetrack and do a few laps with them, I didn’t hesitate.  We took my sister’s Mini as well as GoPro cameras so we could record the shenanigans.

It was a blast.  I confess to being a bit nervous when we went from the proverbial “0- to-well-let’s-say-60” in a nanosecond and then hit the first corner (which was the most difficult one on the course).  I was able to remain calm for four 3-km laps, and then I figured I’d tempted fate long enough.  I was done.  After our cool-down we went back to the sidelines. It wasn’t long before I was hankering to get back on the track, so out we went in the Mini.  Not tricked out for racing, it still gave us a good run for our money. (I would tell you how fast we were going but my sister reads my posts.)

We relived our experience later that evening on the big screen and had fun watching everyone else’s reactions to our adrenalin-junkie pursuits earlier that day.

My favourite part was the chicane.  Normally if I were driving around town and came upon two opposing curves, I would slow down and maneuver through the turns accurately.  Not necessarily so on the track.  You can follow the straightest trajectory through the turns at top speed and it is possible to come out the other side unscathed. That’s what we did of course. I didn’t realize how tense I was throughout the whole experience until today when I woke up so stiff I could hardly move.  That’s how tight I was holding my neck and back in anticipation of crashing or losing traction. It was fabulous.

When my heart rate returned to normal and I had some time to think about my afternoon with the guys, I wondered if this was reflective of my whole life… Do I just barrel on through or do I meet each twist with careful thought and weigh the pros and cons?

Actually, I believe it’s neither.  I enjoy life to the max.  I expect my days to be full of excitement and adventure and they usually are.  They can be high speed and full on, or they can be simply an adventure of spirit where I close my eyes and just sit still.

Racing through the chicane served both… I had the thrill of the ride and it also reminded me how important it is to slow down and meet what life has in store.

Never bored, I remain authentically yours,

Buns

Message in a Bottle

 

 What a week! It felt like being hit with a tsunami of feeling so intense that fighting it was not an option. I had to learn to surf.

In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.” And jump into the watery depths of my emotions I did. While I always advocate going with whatever one is feeling, breathing into what arises and letting go, this time was different. Once I had dropped into myself fully I let my feelings be the priority and made space to completely express. I rode the feelings whenever they came up and dissolved with what I can only imagine the pleasure of surfing might feel like. One glorious wave after another, I rode epic fluctuations sometimes with fear, sometimes in agony, but always open and trusting. I accepted myself completely in the process and so the invitation to feel deepened even more.

The trigger was Buns relationship spring cleaning which included dissolving a business partnership that I thought we were both committed to. For Buns it felt like freedom once she moved past the discomfort of telling me. For me it felt like a loss of a dream. And yet I didn’t spend much time with the trigger. I chose to stay inside myself, riding the present moment and its emotional undulations. I gave up management. I let go.

 A girlfriend appeared at my door who I hadn’t seen in years and in the midst of catching up she said she has been sad since October. I said I am sad right now. It seemed the most nature thing in the world to hold each other in this place of acceptance and just cry.

Why are we so afraid of deep intense feelings? Why do we need to create stories about the feelings as if to justify or explain them? The bliss of this experience for me was the completely non judgmental contact of heart to heart depth with another human being.

My sleep after that gentle exchange was deep. My body’s communication was complete. I woke to find the waves had crested and subsided. I had cried myself out. Or perhaps IN.  It felt like I had cried myself into The Gap. I inhaled the stillness…the relief…the space. Joy started to bubble to the surface and I took a rich cleansing breath stretching into what felt like infinity. It was like waking up to sunshine and crisp air after a turbulent storm. And the space, oh the wonderful space both inside and out. A sense of possibility wrapped itself around me like the arms of a mother. My body felt new, my connection with the world powerful and my capacity for creativity increased. The melodramatic woe was gone as if a distant memory. If infants can cry themselves to sleep, I cried myself awake.

I believe bringing my messy unpredictable feelings to The Gap, especially in my daily meditations is what granted me a sabbatical from sadness and doubt and invited synchronicity to my door. I don’t have to aim my arrow at peace. In the stillness I am peace and I feel the beauty of this moment fully. And since that is where the juice of creation is, the universe decides to talk to me directly.

I check my phone messages. “Hi,” says a male voice. “My name is Guillaume and I was out in my boat today at Lasqueti Island and guess what I found… your message in a bottle.”

WHAT!!!!

As we moved into 2013 Buns and I did a New Years Eve ritual writing out individual visions for romance and sealing them into bottles. In the dark we threw our declaration out to the sea, surrendering desire to fate. Just a tad risky, right? I had included my phone number.

 We had a few hysterical moments laughing, picturing the bottles never making it out to sea but rather sweeping right back to shore and being found by a beachcombing local who would know us. We saw the headlines in the local community paper and howled about the potential embarrassment.

And now the universe sends me Guillaume. He says it is my destiny to come and visit his isolated magical island. I had never even heard of it. I find out it’s off the coast of Vancouver Island, not far from Texada. The idea starts to move through me and I feel the rippling of a new adventure.

 I am in no rush. I think the weather needs to warm up and I need to get good hiking boots. I Google Lasqueti Island and see that much of the population are artists and healers, grow their own food and live in cob houses. It will be like going around full circle since I had attempted this way of life in Prince Edward Island in my 20’s. No electricity, no mirrors and a herd of goats were going to be my panacea for the urban jungle of Toronto that had ceased to resonate for me. Perhaps it’s time to reclaim some more of my wildness in the wilderness.

Thanks universe. I am listening and learning once again that figuring it all out is NOT where my safety lies.

 Co-creation, my greatest desire is alive and well and always accessible in The Gap. Allowing, acceptance and trust that the universe always had my back, seems to be the highway to get there.

Branded by spaciousness,

Authentically yours,

Marty

And the day came ...

“... when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anaïs Nin

Last weekend I attended a personal growth course with David Wood.  Well known for his work with T. Harv Eker and the Millionaire Mind seminars, he is now a formidable trainer for Isagenix and his events are not to be missed.

This is the second time I’ve done one of these with David, and I wondered if I would learn anything new the second time around.  I will never question that again.  While a lot of the subject matter was a repeat, I was able to delve deeper into the content, and apply it to not just my business, but to my life.  In spades.

One of the main thrusts of the weekend was to get out of my comfort zone.  Funny, I had just written a post about that a couple of weeks ago (Scared Shiftless).  I must have been getting ready for this next step!

Of course Marty was there with me (another one of our adventures!) and we were able to have honest conversation about our friendship.  We did an exercise where we determined our personality type and what motivated each of us depending on our “colour”.   It was so freeing to be able to have a platform from which we could neutrally talk to each other about those little niggling things that we do through our own motivations (e.g. to feel good or avoid discomfort or rejection) and to find out how the other person experiences them.  In fact, it was clear that not understanding each other’s reasons for doing things got in the way of our growing friendship.  And that if they are named, it actually expands the relationship.

I came away from that weekend with a deeper connection with Marty and an understanding of some of the things I do that drive her nuts (and other people too no doubt)! It has helped me become more conscious in my everyday words and decisions, and I anchored my understanding of “how I do anything, is how I do everything”.

But it didn’t stop there.  Every day since then, I have been reexamining my modus operandi in relationships (both past and present) and found some golden nuggets. And here’s the scary part for me. I know that my relationships need freshening up and I can’t get away with a superficial glossing over of stuff just to keep them intact.  I need to get out of my comfort zone and come clean – whether it’s telling someone that the dynamic needs to change or telling someone that I love them and am grateful that they are in my life, or both!    

So I have personally declared March as “Relationship Spring Cleaning Month”.  Wherever I feel there is unfinished business or something that needs airing, I am getting out my cleaning supplies and starting to scrub.  I’m not leaving myself out of the equation.  I think a good deep cleansing for me would just add to the exhilaration I feel when I think of the relief of not having to sustain something that isn’t authentic.

What I have come to value the most in my relationships is a willingness to evolve, through thick and thin, through discomfort, and not just feeling good all the time at the expense of capital “T” truth.  I am now willing to lose relationships if I can’t be authentic within them.

Branded by a rose in my teeth (and a lampshade crown),

Authentically yours,

Buns xo

P.S.  If you want to find out more about David Wood here are the details... 

http://www.facebook.com/TheKickassLife

http://www.thekickasslife.com

For your listening pleasure, here is another of my favourite songs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLoKSS1P2No

The Perfection of Imperfection

I was super excited when Andrew said that we could share our blog Authentically Yours here on the Conscious Living site. Buns and I have been writing it anonymously for over a year and it has been a labor of love. Birthed out of gratitude and a desire to live full out, we committed to sharing our adventures transparently both in touch with spiritual principles and our fabulously flawed human nature.

This journey of self exploration has challenged and stretched me. Do I reveal everything that is bubbling in the dark corners of my mind, including problems and struggles or do I only present as positive? Can I show you my fears and insecurities? Which is riskier, more of a stretch?  

How come it seems the more spiritual people claim to be, the less revealing they are of their own challenges?

Do you really believe that being awake is an absence of issues?

To me, being awake means my relationship to what is an issue or flaw becomes softer, infused with acceptance and even humor. If I can show it, I am in effect saying I am not it.

My goal is to lighten up and accept all aspects of my human experience. No more hiding or holding back. I commit to real. Can you imagine if we all just stopped trying to look good? If we stopped listening to the voice in our heads that says, “don’t show that, it’s weak or unevolved or way too messy’. What if demonstrating self acceptance by revealing is the essential first step in healing?

I see the sharing of flaws as declaration that we are all the same, that there is nothing to hide. And when the mask that separates us is dropped and authenticity becomes your go to…that is when energy floods in and life gets really juicy.

I am committing to loving my imperfections. I can be a brat, feel sorry for myself, judge, compare, be a baby AND in the moment of my own acceptance I can shift and be free of defining myself as that experience. I have my thoughts, I am NOT my thoughts. I have my feelings, I am not my feelings.  

I don’t want to hang out with people who pretend to be evolved. I want my tribe to be diverse, full of contradictions, messy feelings, vulnerabilities and loyal to being real! Managing, controlling the spectrum of the human dilemma is not spiritually evolved. It is boring. I like being around people whose inside matches their outside. People who take risks.

Having gone through years of trying to become some better version of myself through workshops and spiritual practice I have discovered the simplicity of wholeness comes when I accept my entire human experience and yours too. Then I am acting as my spirit self would.  

I won’t leave my flaws behind. I can’t. I like chocolate too much, and a perfect martini with double extra large olives and being impulsive, like last night’s encounter where we fell in love with strangers over dinner at Nook http://nookrestaurant.ca/nookrestaurant.ca/Home.html

 and are now planning to rent a European villa with them somewhere in Italy or France.

So Buns and I invite you to catch up on our adventures on the Blog and share your comments and stories.

We are all one and we will feel that most fully when we drop our defenses and simply get real. Human real! That’s what spirit would do if it had a body. Oh wait. It does!

Branded by imperfection,

Authentically Yours

Marty

 

 

Scared shiftless.

Just got off the phone with Marty.  I am at once excited and petrified.  She tells me we are about to have a much wider audience for our blog.  When she told me the numbers, a sudden torrent of self doubt, fear of visibility, and lack of confidence overwhelmed me.  I was at a loss for words and was worried that that would be a permanent condition.  Immediately I could hear those niggling little thoughts …

“What could you possibly say that would interest people? Am I exciting enough? Will people want to read about me and my life? Why?” My impulse to never write again was so strong I was quite taken aback. What’s so different from when we first began other than a few zeroes at the end of our readership numbers? 

So here I am, doing something that I absolutely love to do and now that it is gaining some momentum and notoriety, I am balking.  What’s up with that?

It’s funny it’s coming up now.  (Or is it?) Lately I’ve been asking myself a lot of hard questions about what I want to be when I grow up, (or ripen, rather). When I look back at all my choices for livelihood, there are only maybe one or two of them that didn’t have me being the support person (and quite formidable I might add), for someone else’s dream.  Whether it was a big corporation or a small entrepreneurial endeavour, I was only too happy to hop in the passenger seat and help with the navigating.

What it boils down to is this.  I’m not that comfortable being out of my comfort zone. I know. I know.  Doesn’t look that way to a lot of my friends.  I am comfortable singing on stage – actually more than just comfortable – I love it! I don’t have a problem with roller coasters or zip lines.  I’ll try anything once (especially if it has to do with food!).  I’m adventurous (just ask Marty).  I’m not the shy and retiring type. I embrace “living out loud”! But I’m beginning to see that I do it conditionally.  Yes.  That’s it.  I will live out loud as long as it’s comfortable.  If it starts feeling scary, I don’t go any further.  Mmmm.  That’s going to take me places isn’t it?

I still have a long way to go.  And what’s being dropped in my lap is fantastic.  Not just with the blog but with my new business as well.  All it takes to do incredibly well is to be authentic. To be me.  From the inside out.  Through and through.  Not just what I want others to perceive.

So I’m shifting gears.  I’m not going to settle for constant comfort any more.  Just like 60 is the new 40, discomfort is the new impulse to evolve.

Gotta go now.  Time for another adventure with Marty.  Oh wait.  This is one!

Branded by owies.

Authentically yours,

Buns

P.S. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done that ended up taking you to richer pastures?  We’d love to hear your stories!

The Paradox of Healing

I have been wondering about health of late and it occurred to me that even following the right diet, eating healthy, a positive mindset, emotional and spiritual awareness, is no guarantee of healing a physical issue. I have been working with my health for a few years, clearing energy, getting to the root of possible beliefs that may be the source of dis-ease and still there is no change on the physical plane. So I wonder…how come?  What if trying to get rid of the discord is my contribution to maintaining the state.

What I mean is when a person gets ill they will fight, engage in a battle to rid themselves of the condition. Seems like a human enough response. And yet if one believes as I do, that inherent in every event, encounter or circumstance, is a beneficial intent, a special delivery if you will, sometimes wrapped up in a not so pretty package… well then the natural thing to do would be to open it up and wonder what its positive intention really is.

Perhaps we are still needing to learn something from the illness. If rest and self care is a need that is not being met the function of the dis-ease could be to ensure that rest occurs.

 If our lives are not fulfilled the illness could promote a “no time like the present attitude” to invite living life to the fullest.

Perhaps we are actually more comfortable dealing with pain that we would be with the unfamiliar joy of complete health. The absence of pain either physically or emotionally could seem entirely foreign if one has lived with many years of coping or struggling. The intent of the illness could be to illuminate this mindset and correct it.

Life is not meant to be a struggle. Challenges occur sure, but what if our task is to navigate them with grace and ease no matter how difficult the stormy seas. I like surrounding myself with people who know this and align with the task, not just give it lip service. It helps me remember.

So on that note when Buns suggested an Energy Reading that is part of her spiritual practice I said yes without missing a beat. Perfect timing with all my current meanderings.

I arrived early, was led to a row of 5 chairs with one empty. I naturally slid into the empty one, totally missing that there was a lone chair facing all the others. Unless I was going to read myself I was in the wrong spot. Weird… when I switched to the solo spot and felt the intense scrutiny of the four novice readers looking at me I still felt like I was meant to be reading them. And then the chair across from me was filled by Kelly and I settled in for receiving information.

It was fascinating, illuminating, interesting and finally after about an hour... transforming. As I asked my question about the root of my health challenge opening to its positive intention, I heard that I was still creating a paradigm that was looking at it as something separate. I was looking outside of myself. As the penny dropped, it was not a mental awareness but rather a shift of energy as I literally slid back inside and centered as Self.

Ah…be IN relationship with it. I had thought that was what I was doing and yet in this moment, as I relaxed and sank into sensation I actually felt the difference between mentally thinking about the relationship and BEING in relationship. Wow..what a gold nugget.

I have created a belief that tells me that my safety rests in understanding. That is limiting if my only way to understand is through the mental body. So a clunk, a drop and ahhhh… the words “I am intact” landed with a sigh of shifting sensation.

Tears are the only response for the depth of gratitude when one returns home to oneself, especially when you hadn’t realized you had left.

Thanks to the brave souls who offered their gift to me in the form of an energy reading.  I felt welcomed and nourished.

We all have the power to heal and yet it is only in our connection to the quantum field that softness is generated, acceptance of our wholeness and the knowing that anything but this state is actually illusion.

First within. Then without.

Branded by faith,

Authentically Yours

Marty

Roses in the Snow

I just returned from a trip to my hometown where my mom, three sisters, brother, their partners, and all ten of our kids gathered to mourn and celebrate my Dad.

What a week it was.  From cancelled flights, to sub-zero weather, tons of snow, lots of tears, and many tasks to complete, it was destined to be a stressfest.  Nothing could be further from the truth. From beneath the blanket of sadness, grew something beautiful.  Like a flower, peeking up through the snow.

We all hunkered down at my Mom’s place and went to work.  We had three days to pull together our ideas for two visitations and a service.  We all wanted to be involved, to dive into the process of letting Dad go. We wanted to create a send off that befitted him – elegant, graceful, musical, and light- and warm-hearted.  

Dad was known for many things but what we wanted to highlight was his passion for Korea (where he was born), teaching (his life-long profession), music (he was instrumental in having a Casavant Frères pipe organ installed in the church), flying, (he was a pilot), Found’s Island (our family summer place since 1952), and an unshakeable devotion to his family.

We gathered bits of memorabilia and were able to put together a beautiful visual of all his loves.  Stones and branches from the island (and the old “Found’s Island” sign) were put together in one corner; yearbooks, school uniforms, and certificates signified his teaching years; tiny organ pipes and his favourite music was skillfully woven into the flower arrangements; and hundreds of family photographs were on display all around the room.  Dad’s ashes were placed in a beautiful “chong” – a tiny Korean chest. It was a perfect setting for his long-time friends, relatives, colleagues, and students, to spend time remembering him.  It was a joyous occasion… many commented on how uplifting it was to be there, to talk about Dad, and reminisce with laughter about the many good times we shared with him.

His memorial service was equally fitting.  The choir sang to the accompaniment of the organ, played by our original organist.  We all had a say in what music we wanted to hear and she played it beautifully.  We each wrote a memory about Dad (or Poppa, as he is known by his grandkids) and the stories were read aloud during the service.  Everyone sang “Jesus Loves Me” in Korean.  The meditation was very apropos… urging all who knew him to “go out and do likewise”.  Dad was a very kind and inspiring man. 

It was probably one of the best times I’ve ever spent with my family (excluding the escapades together when we were younger, before we all went our separate ways).  Even though Dad wasn’t there to pitch in physically, he was absolutely there in spirit.  The last night before I left, there were 27 people at the house for dinner.  We gathered in the living room, and before we joined hands to sing Johnny Appleseed (at the top of our lungs as Dad would have done), we placed the chong right in the centre and all sang to him.  We raised the roof in his honour.

I will never forget this past week.  We learned a lot about each other and about Dad – things that we didn’t know before.  (I found out that he never liked long hair, so in his honour and as a gesture of letting go, I cut about 10 inches off my mane yesterday – it was time!) We all learned a lot about having joy and laughter in the midst of sadness.  We immersed ourselves in all that Dad stood for.  It was beautiful.

Dad… Thank you for everything you taught me.  You were an amazing man.  (And I hope you like my haircut!)

Branded by Bruce,

Authentically yours,

Buns xo

P.S.  For your listening pleasure… one of my favourite Emmylou Harris songs. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs-wOyMjJMw