Ode To Ships At Sea And In Safe Harbor

 “Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” --Basho

I want to dedicate this post to you Buns and to you, The Robert. While my heart sank when I heard you two were parting ways in one form, I hold fast to the thought that your relationship can continue in another. I sense there is yet more to come and while we often see ourselves as the conductors in our live, we are not the only force at work.   Fate….divinity…the co-creative force of the universe…we are not the only ones with influence over outcome.

Who knows if this is good or this is bad?

 That Zen perspective rests in a kind of curiosity that actively invites ALL possibility. Being authentic, standing for one’s values you then let go of judgment of whether something is good or bad and simply stay in the present moment of what is. Without evaluation you can feel it all AND stay open to whatever arises both inside yourself and outside yourself.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Who knows if this is good, or this is bad," the farmer replied.
 The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Who knows if this is good or this is bad," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Who knows if this is good or this is bad," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Who knows if this is good or this is bad,” said the farmer.

So while I hear at this moment in time, safe harbor and a ship relishing sailing unchartered waters may not be on the same page or rather the same sea,  I also know that two spirits once they connect can never really forget the depth, the loveliness of that authentic connection. I have no doubt that what you both shared is real and continues to be. And even pirates on wild adventures had to rest in harbor at some time or another to replenish and re-stock. And ships in safe harbors stop being ships if they never ever lift their sails.
Who knows if this is good or this is bad?  Who knows?
What I do know is…I LOVE YOU BOTH!

And on that note I bow to you Buns and Robert, palms together in the center of my forehead, opening to the part of me that can see inside and truly honor you. I accept who you are and who I am and that we are all part of the same universe.

Namaste
I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells,
I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace.
When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One.

Authentically Yours,
Marty

The S.S. Princess of Pain

A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.  I read this quote by Grace Hopper once and it has always stuck with me.

In the last couple of weeks, I came to realize that I definitely am here to pilot my ship through all kinds of stormy weather, while my dearest Robert prefers the harbour.  While I do not want to share the details, I had to tell him that I was continuing to chart my course and that I could not remain in safe harbour.  I just couldn’t.  My inclination in the past would have been to suppress what I needed so that I could maintain a relationship.  Fix it.  Mend the sails if you will.  In my heart of hearts though, I knew that I had to move on.  It wasn’t pretty.  I wasn’t very graceful.  I am still tossing and turning and reliving that awful moment of realization that I had to say something.  My timing wasn’t perfect (is it ever in a case like this?), and he was hurt.  Hence the moniker “Princess of Pain” which he has let me know since that he calls me that with a tad of amusement. 

I am deeply grateful to The Robert for being who he is and for being so willing to go beyond his comfort zone and have a long distance relationship with me.  Ironically it was he who made me realize it was time for me to move out of the safe harbour I had created around myself after Duncan died.  The Robert helped me relearn the excitement of living and loving and I will never forget that.

If I am to stick with the seafaring metaphor, some might say that right now I am up Shit Creek without a paddle … a job that I love ends in a month, my condo is for sale, some stressful times around Mother’s Day and Dunc’s birthday, and an aching heart.  Yes, some might say that. 

But if I’ve learned anything over the last three years, it is that I have an endless supply of life force energy … no matter what, if I choose, I can always summon up the strength and will to continue my journey.  (And I know it isn’t always going to look like a series of linked beer commercials!) 

And I am committed to being authentic.

Here’s another one of my favourite quotes … And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Authentically yours,

Buns

Post Party Musings

“Cowardice asks the question: is it safe? Expediency asks the question: is it political? Vanity asks the question: is it popular? But conscience asks the question: is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor political nor popular, but one must take it simply because it is right.”
Martin Luther King

I am touched by these words today. They invite me to open, to reflect, and to ponder which lens I most look through when living my life. Buns and I have both written about our commitment to authenticity and in that context I would like to add one more question to the brilliant Mr. King’s words. (Yes I know, how arrogant, but I somehow think he would not really mind being an inspiration, a conduit to conscious thinking.)

The question I ask myself to determine what I say or do in this world, in relationship is: is it real?
And that opens up a whole subjective exploration around reality and one’s criteria to determine what is real.

I reflect back to last week’s Blind Date Dinner Party and the sheer joy of it. What excited me so much was how just the invitation to experience the senses fully, without the stimulus of sight, increased our awareness of the present moment tenfold. Whether it was E and J’s harmonious voices merged in one solid heartbeat that transported us to the dark forests of Slavic Europe or the Tall Drink of Water's didgeridoo of a throat, humming us onto the peaks of the Himalayas…our relationship with sound became achingly more sensitive, more connected with feelings. And taste, smell and touch evoked a similar heightened sense of awareness and acuity.

So this to me is real!

It is present time, not meandering between past and future but smack dab right in the breath, in the body and in the now!

That is the definition of consciousness is it not? Alive, vibrant, open, curious and rich in sensation.
This is the same frequency that I evoke into a relationship. Imagine it… Conscious relationship and all that entails… where every touch speaks as loudly as words and with as much meaning and understanding both in the sender and the receiver.

For me this exchange is a call to bliss, and it would include sharing anything and everything that arises which normally would prevent one from feeling such pure flow, such interdependence.

There is no judgment or evaluation in this model, only an acceptance and movement toward what is… not what you want to maneuver the moment to be… BUT WHAT IS!

That would include sadness, anger, contraction, and resistance... all welcomed equally with the trust that inherent in breathing into all feelings they shift and dissolve and transform into something REAL … into an experience of Self and Other that is free and connected at the same time.

I have said it before and I repeat it often to keep reminding myself of the course I am committed to, the path back home to myself and to living authentically… real is not the self creation of pretty presentations… real is an offering of transparency and revealing of what is, pretty or not, in the present moment.

That’s what we did at the dinner party. Moment by moment, blindfolds in hand, we experienced each other as a group at our core. People’s ability to go deep will vary but when the intention is set for revealing, something magical happens and it is as satisfying as a five-course meal… more so... The sharing of our soul’s imagery is filling…it’s nurturing…it’s darn right sexy.

So for me Mr. King’s question: is it right, is the foundation to stand on, to anchor in as a human having a human experience. I am not interested in sensuality simply for sensuality’s sake. Hedonism, while loads of fun, without a solid connection to ‘what is right’ can easily shift into self-serving chaos.

Checking if something is right, which means in alignment with one’s core values, keeps one’s choices on course with something far bigger and deeper than obedience to the question, does it feel good?
Clear focus of ‘what the experience is for’ is a companion that gives purpose to one’s journey. Without purpose, sensation can get stale and redundant, with it, one invites the depths of one’s soul to resonate in a human exchange, to be legitimately seen and received. Then the focus can shift from what one is getting to what one is giving.

Far beyond hedonistic sensation this level of depth actually requires asking: what is real? The question itself calls for self inquiry and the use of a different skill set than the eyes we use to see outwardly. For the soul to flourish and offer up its secrets, its purpose, its spiritual delights…its LOVE…only inner sight, inner sensation and listening to a deeper more Core part of self is needed. This Core part of you (or as Buns calls it your Essential Self) is spirit, it is love, it is joy. And all the parts of you that may not feel like that are simply stepping stones to your Core.

This way of perceiving, of dancing with Self and others is deep AND it can be fun! The next REAL dinner party is already in the works. You can show up as you are… flawed and human…full of contradictions and keep revealing until you hit the center of yourself. Then give it… without apology… offer it to the world and risk having a deep experience of knowing and being known.

Authentically Yours
Marty

P.S. My gift to the group at the dinner party involved scent. I had 3 oils, one a coconut oil infused with the rare Tiare flower from Tahiti ( I love to anoint my skin with it after steamy hot baths). The other 2 were natural scents made by Pure Attar Luxurious Oils: Oil of Damascus with cloves and sweet orange and Tunisian Nights with sandalwood and rose. (Most of the men picked that scent.) Each person inhaled their favorite and as it soaked into their skin, warmed by touch, it evoked an inner journey of the senses. Remember they were blindfolded. Stories unfolded of tender moments with loved ones, brilliant kaleidoscopes of images from exotic locations and still silent depth that offered a pause, a soft place to rest in inhalation. The oils were given to me by Jennifer at Pure Attar, who made them and offered them for my New Year's rendezvous with Chicago. (Still sad at times that he missed that boat.) I saved them until now wanting to honor the pleasure of their delicacies with a real moment in time.

You can order them from http://www.pure-attar.com

Daredevil dining

It’s 5:30 on Saturday.  I have just left Marty’s place to give her some time to get to know Vanisle.  This is the first time they have met and there's a window of opportunity for the two of them to get acquainted before the big event.  I will return shortly to help her with our blind-date dinner party.  We have planned an evening for 8 guests – some of whom have never met each other – to get together, experience the stories, gifts, food, and wine that each bring to the table.  Blindfolded.  At least for part of the evening.  We are each to bring something for the potluck, a gift that can be offered to the rest of the guests while they are blindfolded, a show-and-tell item from their youth, and a blindfold.

I return to find Marty’s date – we decided to call him Zorro – festooned in an apron, corkscrew at the ready, and apparently nicely settled in for the evening.  This is a good sign. Marty, has set-decorated the living and dining rooms brilliantly for the occasion.  Even our friend Bob, the mannequin, is sporting a tiara and a blindfold.  The appetizers are out, music is playing, and a bowl of provocative questions sits amongst the olives and crackers (should conversation lag at any point during the evening).  As the three of us sit there, I give Zorro a quick energy reading (with his permission of course).  I am able to zero in on a couple of truths for him and we quickly establish that this is going to be an evening with the No Bullshit Zone firmly delineated.  We’re callin’ ’em as we sees ’em.  He loves it.

Next the guests arrive.  A quick introduction – J & E – a lovely Polish couple, married for 37 years, and absolutely in for what may happen; Sparky, the electrician – a tall drink of water with a warm smile (he is also going to meet his date for the first time tonight); M, Sparky’s date – the mystery woman whom we all immediately take to for her enthusiasm and willingness to be involved; and Dakota – the pediatrician-turned shaman – need I say more in terms of an interesting mix!

Curtains open.  We all put our blindfolds on and Marty passes around a tray with three dishes – each with scented oils.  We are to pick which one we like, dab a little of the oil on our hands, and then tell the group what memories the fragrance elicits.  Wonderful stories emerge.  It is very sensuous and honest.  Next, while the gang is still blindfolded, I choose a Rune for the evening and it is the blank – The Unknowable.  Of course it is!  It represents the Divine in all human transactions and is the Rune of total trust. I read to them and they listen.  While not necessarily in this order, we experience a poem by Robert Frost –  Nothing Gold Can Stay, we listen to a Polish duet accompanied by guitar (indescribably touching), we unwrap hootchies and bullets to learn about Zorro’s fondness for hunting and fishing, we hear a joke with different characterized voices, and we mold clay into whatever form is evoked while we listen to Tibetan throat singing.  (If you pause reading here, just for minute, you might be able to tap into the plethora of sensations …).

Ah yes.  And the food.  We began blindfolded (again) and had an appetizer of stuffed dates.  (Three each… one with goat’s cheese, one with a spicy almond, and one wrapped in prosciutto – a cheesy date, a nutty date, and a blind date.) Off came the blindfolds and we continued.

The salad (apples, pecans, carrots, and zillions of other ingredients) was so good I think I could eat just that for the rest of my life.  If I can get the recipe, I’ll post it.  (Oh wait!  Marty!  We could do a Buns and Marty cookbook!)  Sorry.  I digress.

Red-wine-soaked scalloped potatoes topped with feta, green beans almandine, and grilled stuff salmon, organic chicken, and steak, took us up to the dessert portion of the meal.  Here we donned our scarves, ties, and masks again to taste an elegant banana caramel cake, a tiny chocolate cup of Frangelica, another one with berries, and ice cream.  Messy?  Yes.  Worth it?  Absolutely.

With freshly roasted and ground coffee and Je t’aime tea as finishers, we were sufficiently suffonsified, as my Dad used to say.

The show-and-tell part was very endearing and the camaraderie amongst all was amazing.  It was as if we had all known each other forever.  Conversation lingered until the wee hours and it was clear that all were exhilarated by having attended. 

Did we learn anything?  I know I did.  I said “yes” to something about which the only thing I knew was its energy and intent.  I didn’t have to see it first.  It was very liberating for me.  I also was able to practice setting the energy for others so they too could have a mindful and meaningful experience.

This is definitely a do-again.  Perhaps on a larger scale.  (Perhaps in a villa in France, Marty!)  Would you come if you were invited?  What would you bring as your gift?  Who would you invite? What questions would you put in the jar? 

Authentically yours,

Buns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZI0zO2TS1Y

Honoring Love's Intelligence

I have been bitten by the real estate bug. On some days it’s the warm, foreign, cobble stone streets of an ancient city, kind of bug. On other days it’s the sound of surf and smell of night blooming jasmine that lulls me to deepen my inhale and imagine. And always I am writing and sipping on some local concoction, interacting with the sun.

In all the scenarios there is the element of the unknown, the allure of learning something new, a language that teases my tongue with its rolling complexity, cooking with unique ingredients that might be hanging on a tree outside my window and most importantly relating to people who think in a way that invites stretching with curiosity to truly understand. I am talking about foreign investment.

It’s the same way I view relationship really. The excitement and the challenge are directly linked to the sensation of expanding beyond my comfort zone…whether it’s my views intellectually or my heart emotionally or my body physically. The unknown, which to me is an essential element in living large, holds risks.

Without the risk factor we are living in comfortable boxes of habit and familiarity and while I can adore the sensation of sinking into a cozy arm chair that has held me for years as I read by the fire I also LOVE entering new territory where I am unable to exist in a twilight state, everything about it calls me to be vibrantly awake. I am committed to this state no matter what, using every opportunity, event or struggle to live boldly as love would regardless of whether I am in a foreign land or a relationship. And it seems to only increase the variables if you are joined by other collaborators.

When a co-conspirator joins the dance, the possibilities of new experiences double….triple…quadruple….and so do the challenges. That is where the growth really is, in staying centered in Self and connected to Other, always willing to stretch to understand their reality as much as one’s own. Buns and I enter this playing field frequently.

Even with so much similarity in our perception the electricity can fly. The key is to stay connected long enough so that what the reactivity is really about will arise and as long as you are facing inward it will. Reactivity is truly an inside job, an activation of something that happened in your past. Then sharing that revelation takes you another step into yourself since accountability will always do that.

Now if you are still connected and the other person meets you, receives you...wow…it feels like a kerplunk of the puzzle of deeper Self just drops into place. Feelings arise and we are home, whole and connected at the same time, a little preview of heaven. This lack of separation is the truth of our spiritual nature and we are practicing FEELING it in relationship especially when challenged.

So now let’s enter the arena of masculine and feminine polarity and how very differently those energies call to be honored.

I know I have alluded to it before in my Shall We Dance Post when I talked about the elements of the Tango that inspire me to open to relationship and I am sensing it again in myself…this longing, yearning, desire to NOT be the one in charge. It’s a slippery slope because in truth I am the only one who IS in charge, at least of my inner knowing and feelings and perceptions.

But the longing I refer to is from the most feminine core of me, to trust that a man who is living in his own purpose and with solid direction can open me to love more deeply that I can on my own. This is unknown territory for me and just as in foreign real estate I am drawn to imagining it…inviting it.

My life is full, I don’t NEED someone else to direct it, yet to truly surrender to the flow of the feminine inside me it is essential that I trust the masculine and let go of concern about direction. The river does not analyze the direction of its flow; all that matters is that it is in motion, a current of life force true to its own nature, true to itself.

The idea of placing my trust in another human being and saying I honor that your deepest wisdom will prevail, that you will ensure the direction is in alignment with our purpose and values while I surrender to the sacred water that swirls inside me…well that is still a concept that I have yet to live.

It frightens me as deeply as it calls me. At times I doubt my ability to do this; at times I doubt his ability to lead in a way that is clear, accountable and coming from his deepest core. I know lots of men who are leaders yet they have been taught by society that where they lead must conform to a successful social construct. That’s not what intrigues me.

I am interested in being led to unknown lands that I might not have thought of myself…IN MYSELF. I am not waiting for this in order to flow and inspire, I am fully committed to being the river because it is my true nature yet I know that the solid banks that hold the water, sometimes delicate and meandering, sometimes raging and powerful, are like strong loving arms that embrace me in both my gentle nurturing and my wild woman. And in order to offer this kind of holding, a man must know himself in a deep and meaningful way.

Below is a quote from David Deida, an author and teacher whose focus lands solidly around being true to one’s own nature, as well as letting that core truth guide one’s life and purpose. I love his perspective, and it informs my understanding of men and women. I have yet to surrender to the degree that he encourages a woman to do if she living true to her divine feminine.

I LOVE reading his take on men and how a man of purpose would relate to his woman. Fills me with butterflies of fear and excitement as well as a greater appreciation for true masculine presence. I think every man, young or old needs to read this book…women too since it will help you understand how we contribute to either inspiring or devastating romantic relationship.

From: The Way of the Superior Man

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

“In any given moment, a man’s growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear. He should not be too lazy, happily stagnating in the zone of security and comfort. Nor should he push himself unnecessarily, unable to metabolize his experience. He should lean just slightly beyond the edge of fear and discomfort. Constantly. In everything he does.”

http://www.deida.info/books/way-superior-man

Now this is a man I would trust! This man knows that neither fear nor reactivity is a call to stop, to fight or to flee, but rather a genuine invitation to radical Self inquiry and the challenge of penetrating his woman with Love.

Authentically yours,  Marty

Pilcrows and Philtra

Marty and I have decided to spend two days dastardly scheming about our future plans. We’ve gone from buying beachfront property in Merida, Mexico to buying an old, beat-up building in East Vancouver and turning it into a fabulous loft from which all manner of creations can emerge, to designing a women’s workshop to be offered in a villa in Provence.  Then it’s on to focusing on which of our scathingly brilliant ideas we should flesh out first.  Whew.  What a job.  What about our Buns & Marty business cards?  We’ve got pieces of paper strewn all over the kitchen table, numerous windows open on side-by-side laptops – next we’ll be tape recording our conversation so we don’t miss anything!  Oh and The Robert joins us via the Bluetooth/iPhone umbilical cord to be a part of it all as our technical director.  (I simply don’t know what I would do without that man!).

We are having fun.  And in the midst of it all, a plethora of learnings makes its way to the top of the heap.  We squirrel back and forth between the items on our “to do” list and find that there are all kinds of acorns (and hence, given time, trees). 

Part of what has prompted this weekend is a decision on my part to take a radical departure from what I have been doing for a living for the past eight years.  Yes.  It is time.  I must create anew.  But this does not come without challenges.  My fervent wish is to stay on track and not get seduced into a job that “feels” good and will serve to pay my mortgage and keep my banker happy.  No.  I want to be consciously engaged in something that allows me the opportunity to continue to evolve spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically on a day-to-day basis – not just when I’m at my Wednesday-night meditation classes.  So I’m working to reveal my next step.  Or should I say leap, with unfettered abandon and joy… into the abyss of the unknown.

For the record, there has been no wine involved.  We are cleansing, drinking lots of water, exercising, and it feels good.

BTW… one of my passions is reading – as in energy/aura reading.  While I love to do it in person, it is possible to do it over the phone. I am offering a 45-minute reading to the person with the most creative use of the words “pilcrow” and “philtra” in one sentence.  

Authentically yours,

Buns

P.S.  I need help.... what am I going to do for Marty's dinner party that takes me to my edge?  Anyone?

Red Light Means GO!

WHAT! Are you hearing horns honking as you plow through intersections…ok, thats not what I meant. In a dangerous situation where the wise criteria clearly calls for stopping it’s a no brainer, but what about those areas of your life where you stop simply because you feel afraid or contracted, out of your comfort zone or simply unsure of how to navigate. If screeching to a halt when you are intimidated or uncomfortable is your habitual response, avoiding the situation or person by coming up with reasons not to step forward then you may want to join me in deciphering the difference between a healthy risk that stretches you to be more of who you really are and playing it safe.
To me playing it safe would be akin to a highway, if not to hell, then to a state of boredom. When people say they are bored I wonder how much of a risk they are taking with themselves. Boredom has very little to do with the situation or the person you are interacting with, if you are bored I will lay money you are playing it safe in terms of your personal risk level. We do that, don’t we? Have an experience and then try to explain it by what is in front of us.

I am saying the explanation AND the solution lies inside of self, no matter what the external circumstances.

So following the direction that red light means go is a way of challenging oneself to go further than well worn habits of defense and protectiveness. Really why would one stop at the opportunity to have a new exciting experience? How can you tell the difference between exciting and scary? It feels the same in the body. What makes the difference is what you tell yourself about the situation or person you are experiencing.
As you know I am on- line dating. That calls for a certain level of discernment yet taken too far a person could get stuck never leaving the computer. Red flags are red flags. Lying, aggression, temper tantrums, irresponsible behavior those are obvious warning signs but what about the more subtle clues. How do you know when a flag means stop, walk away from the date or go… stretch and challenge your perception.
I am communicating with someone now who is intriguing in an intellectual way. I respect the faith and certainty he has in himself and I’m curious about how he thinks, yet this is a person who has not done any personal development in the formal sense. He has never read a book on metaphysics or practiced the art of self inquiry...he says. And I of course am devoted to shining a light and illuminating every dark corner in my psyche. Is this a flag that we would never match or an opportunity to stretch and learn about a way of being that is just different than my own?
Jury is still out. But when he talks about getting together and says let’s NOT do the typical coffee date, let’s do something different…whoo who…I am listening. Different is my middle name. So we are percolating about what that could look like.
For a first meeting, here is my thought so far. He flies in by sea plane and comes to a dinner party at my place. The kicker is we would not be the only two meeting for the first time. Fun? I am setting up two girlfriends, as well as thinking of adding another couple who will meet for the first time over dinner.
The common factor here besides the sharing of great wine and creative sensual food is the invitation for all present to take a risk outside of their comfort zone. And me being me, I am thinking of ways to stir that pot, maybe by having a dish of questions that we each pick from and answer during the meal. Light and breezy ice breakers with a glass of Merlot…ha, not likely. Now here is where Van Isle, yes that is what we will call him, gets extra points. He says lets all wear masks. Masks? Do you see why I am intrigued by this guy’s head? However…I think people often do wear masks and my goal is always to transparency and the encouragement to take them off. Still I am giving him points for thinking outside of the box.
And Buns now we come to you. What would be a risky thing for Buns that night? We are mulling it. I had a hit that she could invite a stranger off the street, that could be risky. Yeah for me since it’s at my place….mmmm…ok, maybe not so much.
We need help on this one.
So if anyone has a thought about what Buns could do that might be pushing her envelope at this Blind Date Dinner Party, let us know. In the meantime I am saying yes even as some red lights flash. Maybe they are just amber and maybe they are green. At the moment red means go….if I don’t take the risk I will never know. Plus any opportunity for momentary madness spells adventure and that’s something I am not walking away from.