An Apple A Day

My friend sent me a new urban word. The word is netglow, which means when a person or thing looks better on -line than in person. To put it more succinctly, the sensitive, ripped hunk with oodles of self awareness in his profile turns out to be an intolerant elitist who hates his mother. Yes I know there is an old fashioned word that covers the same territory, that word is liar but you see the internet and this whole new style of dating has really given rise to self representation that almost assumes you will be showing yourself in the best possible light. Still, there is a difference between good lighting and total fiction. So how does one sift through this potential morass of deceit?

In a way I find it easier to navigate the net than in person. I believe the best of people so it has always been difficult for me to gaze into someone’s eyes and think they might not be telling me the truth. On –line you have the luxury of questions before the windows to the soul can spin your sensibility into melting abandon.  In fact being fearless in what you ask and what you disclose has become my guiding light. Certainly helps me go through the rolodex of choices much quicker and with far less drama.
I asked a much younger man professing interest in me why he was wired to be attracted to older women. He had been married for years to a woman 17 years his senior. I thought this was a question worth considering and would lead to an interesting dialogue. His response, that contrary to popular belief sometimes an apple is just an apple led me to close that door pretty quickly. It’s just not a match for me.   An apple is just an apple?   Are you kidding me?   There are McIntosh and Pink ladies, glistening red candy covered ones and soft caramel chewy ones with sprinkles. Tart Granny Smiths, juicy Fuji’s, apples worth bobbing for and others best left for applesauce.

It’s the same with a person. The varieties and perspectives of individuals cannot be left to cookie cutter consciousness, they demand exploration and sharing. Finding out who we are, who another is, is not just a conversation; it’s the very process of life, the blood and bones of one’s thoughts and feelings and therefore one’s actions. Understanding another person without agenda is exhilarating and always teaches you about who you are, especially when you notice where you contract or might lean toward judging them.   But a closed door…an answer like ‘sometimes and apple is just an apple leads nowhere.’ No light can enter to illuminate or stimulate or stretch and grow. And you all know how fond of those states I am. It’s part of my essence to go for depth and if questions are perceived as threatening or annoying or not important then it’s not a match. Asking questions is the very tool that opens one up to understanding, whether it’s another person or yourself.

Using internet dating as a means to know yourself deeply is exciting. It pushes you to risk revealing yourself in a way that both defines you and expresses you without the netglow. We all like the surface to appear bright and shiny but it is in the depths of ourselves, sometimes murky, always fruitful, that authenticity lives. And what is the point of it all if we are not being authentically ourselves? Even if someone showed up and said, wow you are the best, I want YOU, you could never accept it since you are not being real. You would know that what they are wanting is your netglow.

My advice for impactful internet dating…define yourself and what is at your core. Stand for it, express it and be bold in asking to be met there. How will you know if you are met or not? You’ll know. We always do if we stay true, risk vulnerability and really taste the experience. Take a big juicy bite and let all the flavors and layers touch you, right down to your core.  You will know.

Opening Presence

It’s my birthday on Wednesday.  I’m not overly excited about the number of earthbound years that I will be celebrating but I am amazed by the synchronicities that are lining up for June 1^st.  It’s a new moon, there is an eclipse in the morning, (good omens apparently) and I am opening my new store – Presence. Very exciting indeed.  And scary.  In fact, last night I dreamed that I was walking very near the edge of a cliff, and I became paralyzed with fear and laid down on the ground so I wouldn’t trip and go plummeting to the depths.  I called out for help and my teacher magically appeared and whispered in my ear “just be centred and grounded and you will be okay”.  She had to repeat it several times before her message made its way through the layers of my terror. Now that I’m awake, my fear is far outweighed by my anticipation for this new adventure. 

What I am really beginning to see in this lifetime, is that when one is centred and grounded, and connected more directly with Self and Source than with anything else, then the synchronicities (that are always abounding) become easy to see and experience. Take my favourite door in the world, for example … there is a store on Granville Island called DragonSpace (http://www.dragonspace.ca/) and for many years I have been captivated by its entrance.  It is a wooden door with a gorgeous trompe l’oeil that I have always wanted to have either in my dream home or my place of work.  I called them and asked who the artist was.  When they told me her name, I realized that I had known her for a long time but didn’t realize she painted.  I knew her as a potter and had actually carried her work. (http://www.user.dccnet.com/poplarstudio/index2.htm) I hadn’t seen her for quite some time and lo and behold, before I could pick up the phone and call her, she walked into Starfire to say hello.  It was so magical… and yes.  She is going to paint a door for me!  I can’t wait!  Many more incidents such as this have happened and I use them as signposts that beckon… Yes! … take this road!  I am happy to report that Marty is right alongside me as I plan and design my new store.  And she is very patient with me as I sit with different ideas until the best ones reveal themselves.  It is an interesting process and I continue to find out more and more about myself as (my) Presence unfolds.

And now for something completely different …

This is for the two of you who sat with me last Monday night in gales of laughter as we talked about “rusty pickers”… Two of my friends and I were commiserating about our inability to choose the right men.  And while I believe that there are good reasons why we pick who we pick (or why we say yes to the men who pick us), sometimes those reasons aren’t readily apparent.  Take The Robert for example.  Yes, he is still very much in my life – sort of.  He has decided that for him to be able to remain connected with me as a lifelong friend, he needs to take a time out.  He has asked me not to call or email.  The interesting thing is, he is emailing me and continues to tell me about what is going on at his end.  Part of me wants to email back anyway because as I told him many times “You’re not the boss of me”, and part of me is quite content with the fact that at least he is trying to stay connected in some form.  I’m going to abide by his wishes for the time being but it is really difficult.  I miss being able to talk to him about what’s going on.  Just in case you are reading this TR, I’m really happy about your new Les Paul guitar! What I am most intrigued by is that I am still intrigued.  I’m sure there will be more instalments in the The Robert Saga.

And finally, I think in the midst of opening Presence, I might just start up a new band, McPhoebe and The Rusty Pickers!

Love Buns.  I'm outie.  For now.  I’m off to have a great day!

P.S. Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sweet

"Love waits on welcome, not on time, and the real world is but your welcome of what always was.” ACIM

Well it’s me again. Buns has been captured by sea creatures and is busily plumbing their depths.  No really…she is swamped so I am posting two in a row.

What to share is the question…a new exploration with a musician from Alabama (yes, still taking long distance to the extreme), a new realization of what makes me tick around mutuality and relationship or ideas floating around for the next Blind Date Dinner Party?

 Maybe I will start with where I am in the moment. My laptop is exactly where it belongs… on my lap.
 I am looking at a stunning vista of crisp green foliage bordering the waters and mountains of the Lakehouse, where I am a constant and happy to say, welcome visitor.
 It’s beautiful here and the company couldn’t be better.
 At the Lakehouse we play cards, board games, cook communal meals and most importantly sing. My friend plays guitar and there is constant harmony and enthusiasm whenever he strikes a chord that is recognized.
 The other game I love playing here is the creation of a list of top 5 places to live in the world. The only caveat is that everyone has to agree that they would live there.
 Big dreams…big lives.
At the moment another game is in full swing. Euchre, an Ontario card game synonymous with cottage life is being raucously played tournament style.
 I can steal a few moments to connect here.
 I must say that this feeling of family resonates with such intensity for me. at the cottage. Finding people who are of the same tribe to share and hang with….it doesn’t get any better.  I feel grateful and happy.
Cava, has just been popped, Segura Viudas a sparkling white from Spain inviting celebration of nothing in particular…or perhaps it’s because it’s cocktail hour and the aroma of roasting beef au jus is teasing the air. Regardless I can’t think of many things more merry than that sound of joyful explosion followed by laughter.

And then there is the lake. You step outside and are wrapped in the scent of fresh pine…new growth and promise mixed with the cedar scent of logs burning in the fireplace.
Do you get that I love it here? Here, I get to mull, to clear my mind and fill my heart.

So about the new man I am curious about…let’s call him Alabama. He is a bass player who seems quite awake, grounded and mellow. And while one can’t be sure of anything at this early stage, my sense of him is he is not in the least intimidated by my fierce determination to be real. That’s good!

 And I stay committed to my value of living present time and noticing what is, not what I want there to be. I continue to express me, regardless of reception.
I suppose that kind of brings me to talk about mutuality in relationship.
 I am so clear these days that I have no desire to shape shift or be anything other than what I am.  If I am understood, wonderful…and if not…I am trusting that too.  I am open and content to be living so fully alive, exploring the present as contact occurs. I can’t even imagine how hard I used to work at creating connection, how many excuses I would make for bad behavior that I couldn’t understand or all the striving to creatively invite depth.
 Now I just go deep inside myself,express what I find and either he can meet me or he cannot. C’est ca.

“But why do they all seem to live so far away…I mean really…”says one part of me.
 
“Because love knows no boundaries, no time, or space or distance. “answers another part. “He could be anywhere on the face of this earth, I can’t let that stop me”

 I am the eternal optimist, a romantic who trusts that the next adventure may be the beginning of a co-creation worth committing to…or not. I refuse to let it define who I am.
.
 In the meantime, as I said on Valentine’s Day, love is a verb not a noun.
Something I can give in every moment.

And in this moment…oh my God…the cake that was in the oven for this evenings dessert is out.
Caramelized brown sugar that will no doubt result in a chorus from our Stone’s repertoire.  How sweet it is!

Authentically Yours
Marty

Ode To Ships At Sea And In Safe Harbor

 “Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” --Basho

I want to dedicate this post to you Buns and to you, The Robert. While my heart sank when I heard you two were parting ways in one form, I hold fast to the thought that your relationship can continue in another. I sense there is yet more to come and while we often see ourselves as the conductors in our live, we are not the only force at work.   Fate….divinity…the co-creative force of the universe…we are not the only ones with influence over outcome.

Who knows if this is good or this is bad?

 That Zen perspective rests in a kind of curiosity that actively invites ALL possibility. Being authentic, standing for one’s values you then let go of judgment of whether something is good or bad and simply stay in the present moment of what is. Without evaluation you can feel it all AND stay open to whatever arises both inside yourself and outside yourself.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Who knows if this is good, or this is bad," the farmer replied.
 The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Who knows if this is good or this is bad," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Who knows if this is good or this is bad," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Who knows if this is good or this is bad,” said the farmer.

So while I hear at this moment in time, safe harbor and a ship relishing sailing unchartered waters may not be on the same page or rather the same sea,  I also know that two spirits once they connect can never really forget the depth, the loveliness of that authentic connection. I have no doubt that what you both shared is real and continues to be. And even pirates on wild adventures had to rest in harbor at some time or another to replenish and re-stock. And ships in safe harbors stop being ships if they never ever lift their sails.
Who knows if this is good or this is bad?  Who knows?
What I do know is…I LOVE YOU BOTH!

And on that note I bow to you Buns and Robert, palms together in the center of my forehead, opening to the part of me that can see inside and truly honor you. I accept who you are and who I am and that we are all part of the same universe.

Namaste
I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells,
I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace.
When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One.

Authentically Yours,
Marty

The S.S. Princess of Pain

A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.  I read this quote by Grace Hopper once and it has always stuck with me.

In the last couple of weeks, I came to realize that I definitely am here to pilot my ship through all kinds of stormy weather, while my dearest Robert prefers the harbour.  While I do not want to share the details, I had to tell him that I was continuing to chart my course and that I could not remain in safe harbour.  I just couldn’t.  My inclination in the past would have been to suppress what I needed so that I could maintain a relationship.  Fix it.  Mend the sails if you will.  In my heart of hearts though, I knew that I had to move on.  It wasn’t pretty.  I wasn’t very graceful.  I am still tossing and turning and reliving that awful moment of realization that I had to say something.  My timing wasn’t perfect (is it ever in a case like this?), and he was hurt.  Hence the moniker “Princess of Pain” which he has let me know since that he calls me that with a tad of amusement. 

I am deeply grateful to The Robert for being who he is and for being so willing to go beyond his comfort zone and have a long distance relationship with me.  Ironically it was he who made me realize it was time for me to move out of the safe harbour I had created around myself after Duncan died.  The Robert helped me relearn the excitement of living and loving and I will never forget that.

If I am to stick with the seafaring metaphor, some might say that right now I am up Shit Creek without a paddle … a job that I love ends in a month, my condo is for sale, some stressful times around Mother’s Day and Dunc’s birthday, and an aching heart.  Yes, some might say that. 

But if I’ve learned anything over the last three years, it is that I have an endless supply of life force energy … no matter what, if I choose, I can always summon up the strength and will to continue my journey.  (And I know it isn’t always going to look like a series of linked beer commercials!) 

And I am committed to being authentic.

Here’s another one of my favourite quotes … And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Authentically yours,

Buns

Post Party Musings

“Cowardice asks the question: is it safe? Expediency asks the question: is it political? Vanity asks the question: is it popular? But conscience asks the question: is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor political nor popular, but one must take it simply because it is right.”
Martin Luther King

I am touched by these words today. They invite me to open, to reflect, and to ponder which lens I most look through when living my life. Buns and I have both written about our commitment to authenticity and in that context I would like to add one more question to the brilliant Mr. King’s words. (Yes I know, how arrogant, but I somehow think he would not really mind being an inspiration, a conduit to conscious thinking.)

The question I ask myself to determine what I say or do in this world, in relationship is: is it real?
And that opens up a whole subjective exploration around reality and one’s criteria to determine what is real.

I reflect back to last week’s Blind Date Dinner Party and the sheer joy of it. What excited me so much was how just the invitation to experience the senses fully, without the stimulus of sight, increased our awareness of the present moment tenfold. Whether it was E and J’s harmonious voices merged in one solid heartbeat that transported us to the dark forests of Slavic Europe or the Tall Drink of Water's didgeridoo of a throat, humming us onto the peaks of the Himalayas…our relationship with sound became achingly more sensitive, more connected with feelings. And taste, smell and touch evoked a similar heightened sense of awareness and acuity.

So this to me is real!

It is present time, not meandering between past and future but smack dab right in the breath, in the body and in the now!

That is the definition of consciousness is it not? Alive, vibrant, open, curious and rich in sensation.
This is the same frequency that I evoke into a relationship. Imagine it… Conscious relationship and all that entails… where every touch speaks as loudly as words and with as much meaning and understanding both in the sender and the receiver.

For me this exchange is a call to bliss, and it would include sharing anything and everything that arises which normally would prevent one from feeling such pure flow, such interdependence.

There is no judgment or evaluation in this model, only an acceptance and movement toward what is… not what you want to maneuver the moment to be… BUT WHAT IS!

That would include sadness, anger, contraction, and resistance... all welcomed equally with the trust that inherent in breathing into all feelings they shift and dissolve and transform into something REAL … into an experience of Self and Other that is free and connected at the same time.

I have said it before and I repeat it often to keep reminding myself of the course I am committed to, the path back home to myself and to living authentically… real is not the self creation of pretty presentations… real is an offering of transparency and revealing of what is, pretty or not, in the present moment.

That’s what we did at the dinner party. Moment by moment, blindfolds in hand, we experienced each other as a group at our core. People’s ability to go deep will vary but when the intention is set for revealing, something magical happens and it is as satisfying as a five-course meal… more so... The sharing of our soul’s imagery is filling…it’s nurturing…it’s darn right sexy.

So for me Mr. King’s question: is it right, is the foundation to stand on, to anchor in as a human having a human experience. I am not interested in sensuality simply for sensuality’s sake. Hedonism, while loads of fun, without a solid connection to ‘what is right’ can easily shift into self-serving chaos.

Checking if something is right, which means in alignment with one’s core values, keeps one’s choices on course with something far bigger and deeper than obedience to the question, does it feel good?
Clear focus of ‘what the experience is for’ is a companion that gives purpose to one’s journey. Without purpose, sensation can get stale and redundant, with it, one invites the depths of one’s soul to resonate in a human exchange, to be legitimately seen and received. Then the focus can shift from what one is getting to what one is giving.

Far beyond hedonistic sensation this level of depth actually requires asking: what is real? The question itself calls for self inquiry and the use of a different skill set than the eyes we use to see outwardly. For the soul to flourish and offer up its secrets, its purpose, its spiritual delights…its LOVE…only inner sight, inner sensation and listening to a deeper more Core part of self is needed. This Core part of you (or as Buns calls it your Essential Self) is spirit, it is love, it is joy. And all the parts of you that may not feel like that are simply stepping stones to your Core.

This way of perceiving, of dancing with Self and others is deep AND it can be fun! The next REAL dinner party is already in the works. You can show up as you are… flawed and human…full of contradictions and keep revealing until you hit the center of yourself. Then give it… without apology… offer it to the world and risk having a deep experience of knowing and being known.

Authentically Yours
Marty

P.S. My gift to the group at the dinner party involved scent. I had 3 oils, one a coconut oil infused with the rare Tiare flower from Tahiti ( I love to anoint my skin with it after steamy hot baths). The other 2 were natural scents made by Pure Attar Luxurious Oils: Oil of Damascus with cloves and sweet orange and Tunisian Nights with sandalwood and rose. (Most of the men picked that scent.) Each person inhaled their favorite and as it soaked into their skin, warmed by touch, it evoked an inner journey of the senses. Remember they were blindfolded. Stories unfolded of tender moments with loved ones, brilliant kaleidoscopes of images from exotic locations and still silent depth that offered a pause, a soft place to rest in inhalation. The oils were given to me by Jennifer at Pure Attar, who made them and offered them for my New Year's rendezvous with Chicago. (Still sad at times that he missed that boat.) I saved them until now wanting to honor the pleasure of their delicacies with a real moment in time.

You can order them from http://www.pure-attar.com

Daredevil dining

It’s 5:30 on Saturday.  I have just left Marty’s place to give her some time to get to know Vanisle.  This is the first time they have met and there's a window of opportunity for the two of them to get acquainted before the big event.  I will return shortly to help her with our blind-date dinner party.  We have planned an evening for 8 guests – some of whom have never met each other – to get together, experience the stories, gifts, food, and wine that each bring to the table.  Blindfolded.  At least for part of the evening.  We are each to bring something for the potluck, a gift that can be offered to the rest of the guests while they are blindfolded, a show-and-tell item from their youth, and a blindfold.

I return to find Marty’s date – we decided to call him Zorro – festooned in an apron, corkscrew at the ready, and apparently nicely settled in for the evening.  This is a good sign. Marty, has set-decorated the living and dining rooms brilliantly for the occasion.  Even our friend Bob, the mannequin, is sporting a tiara and a blindfold.  The appetizers are out, music is playing, and a bowl of provocative questions sits amongst the olives and crackers (should conversation lag at any point during the evening).  As the three of us sit there, I give Zorro a quick energy reading (with his permission of course).  I am able to zero in on a couple of truths for him and we quickly establish that this is going to be an evening with the No Bullshit Zone firmly delineated.  We’re callin’ ’em as we sees ’em.  He loves it.

Next the guests arrive.  A quick introduction – J & E – a lovely Polish couple, married for 37 years, and absolutely in for what may happen; Sparky, the electrician – a tall drink of water with a warm smile (he is also going to meet his date for the first time tonight); M, Sparky’s date – the mystery woman whom we all immediately take to for her enthusiasm and willingness to be involved; and Dakota – the pediatrician-turned shaman – need I say more in terms of an interesting mix!

Curtains open.  We all put our blindfolds on and Marty passes around a tray with three dishes – each with scented oils.  We are to pick which one we like, dab a little of the oil on our hands, and then tell the group what memories the fragrance elicits.  Wonderful stories emerge.  It is very sensuous and honest.  Next, while the gang is still blindfolded, I choose a Rune for the evening and it is the blank – The Unknowable.  Of course it is!  It represents the Divine in all human transactions and is the Rune of total trust. I read to them and they listen.  While not necessarily in this order, we experience a poem by Robert Frost –  Nothing Gold Can Stay, we listen to a Polish duet accompanied by guitar (indescribably touching), we unwrap hootchies and bullets to learn about Zorro’s fondness for hunting and fishing, we hear a joke with different characterized voices, and we mold clay into whatever form is evoked while we listen to Tibetan throat singing.  (If you pause reading here, just for minute, you might be able to tap into the plethora of sensations …).

Ah yes.  And the food.  We began blindfolded (again) and had an appetizer of stuffed dates.  (Three each… one with goat’s cheese, one with a spicy almond, and one wrapped in prosciutto – a cheesy date, a nutty date, and a blind date.) Off came the blindfolds and we continued.

The salad (apples, pecans, carrots, and zillions of other ingredients) was so good I think I could eat just that for the rest of my life.  If I can get the recipe, I’ll post it.  (Oh wait!  Marty!  We could do a Buns and Marty cookbook!)  Sorry.  I digress.

Red-wine-soaked scalloped potatoes topped with feta, green beans almandine, and grilled stuff salmon, organic chicken, and steak, took us up to the dessert portion of the meal.  Here we donned our scarves, ties, and masks again to taste an elegant banana caramel cake, a tiny chocolate cup of Frangelica, another one with berries, and ice cream.  Messy?  Yes.  Worth it?  Absolutely.

With freshly roasted and ground coffee and Je t’aime tea as finishers, we were sufficiently suffonsified, as my Dad used to say.

The show-and-tell part was very endearing and the camaraderie amongst all was amazing.  It was as if we had all known each other forever.  Conversation lingered until the wee hours and it was clear that all were exhilarated by having attended. 

Did we learn anything?  I know I did.  I said “yes” to something about which the only thing I knew was its energy and intent.  I didn’t have to see it first.  It was very liberating for me.  I also was able to practice setting the energy for others so they too could have a mindful and meaningful experience.

This is definitely a do-again.  Perhaps on a larger scale.  (Perhaps in a villa in France, Marty!)  Would you come if you were invited?  What would you bring as your gift?  Who would you invite? What questions would you put in the jar? 

Authentically yours,

Buns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZI0zO2TS1Y